Constantly

Chapter 6: The Aftermath

By the time we get home, Rex has fallen asleep on my shoulder. I tuck him into bed and then get into my own bed. I lay with my eyes open staring at the dark ceiling over me. My thoughts begin to run wild.

What just happened? At this point, I'm numb to the pain of losing Mom. I felt it when I broke down in front of Rex. Now, I feel like I've felt everything and cried it all out. Rex is never going to have a normal life. Even if we did stop moving. He has no parents or any other family. He'll never have the joy of going to take your child to work day. His parents won't be there for career day. His parents aren't going to be at his wedding. He's never going to get the luxuries of having parents. I know what I need to do. Just like the promise I made him on the day he came home with Mom.

"Since both of your parents are gone, I'll take care of you like they would have if they were here," I whisper to Rex in hopes that he hears me. I listen closely for a response but he's still dead asleep. He seems to have cried out all of his energy. I'll let him continue sleeping, he needs it.

The next day I decide to take Rex to school. No, not because I'm forcing him to, he chose to go. He asked to go and he was excited to go. Since Rex is going to school, I may as well. I don't want people finding out that my mother committed suicide. I just have to paint on a smile and show no emotion.

When I get to school I keep my head down more than usual. I didn't realize that, Jason did.

"Hey, Megan." I can tell he's trying to keep it low-key because he doesn't want to flat out ask me what's wrong. We're not that good of friends yet. I will admit, we have been talking more at work and a little bit at school. He reminds me of Gabe.

"Hey."

"So since two days ago was your birthday, I picked something up for you." He reaches into his locker and pulls out the vinyl record that I was looking for yesterday. There it was, sitting in Jason's hands. The red curtains, the flooding behind the curtains with the words, "From Under The Cork Tree," printed on it. I would be happy that I finally have this record but instead it makes me want to break down. A thought comes to mind that I hadn't even thought of at all last night. What if I chose not to look for the record yesterday at the shop? Would I still have been too late to save Mom? If we were home right after school instead of an hour later, would it have been enough? If I didn't make that choice to go to the mall, things would probably be so different. This is all my fault. I take the record that Jason hands to me.

"Oh my gosh, thank you so much. But, you didn't have to get me anything." I try my hardest to stay happy. It's the hardest thing to do however, because this record sitting in my hand is the reason I wasn't home with Mom to help her. This record should be a harmless disc full of music. Instead, this record is a symbol of what I couldn't save. It's it symbol of why I didn't save her. It taunts me. It makes the pain in my chest ache even more and it is a reminder of what I should have done. I'm a horrible daughter. Even my own mother didn't want anything to do with me. I couldn't even be there for my Mom when she needed me the most. She probably felt like she couldn't talk to me about anything. What if she felt trapped and she just wanted to get out. Did she want to get away from me or herself?

"No problem. It was nothing. I just saw you looking at it the other day and decided to grab it for you." Jason smiles and then shuts his locker. He gives me a slight wave and then goes off to class. I don't know if I can take much more of this. Everything I see reminds me of her. Holding this record in my hand is like holding the rope that killed my mother.

After school I bring Rex home and give him a snack. I ask him about his day and he responds with the usual. Shoot, I have work today. I'm going to have to bring Rex whenever I have work now. He likes coming to work with me anyways. I get there about 15 minutes early. Mr. Davis comes out and politely asks why Rex is with me.

"I'm sorry but my mom isn't home and I think I might need to bring him everyday. I really need this job, Mr. Davis. He can stay quiet and help or anything." As I beg Mr. Davis for me to keep this job, Jason walks out from the back room, holding a bunch of new records.

"Okay, he can stay. Just please don't let this take away from your job." I thank Mr. Davis and then continue to work behind the desk. Rex sits right at my feet playing with his Hot Wheels car. He rolls it all around himself and on my shoe. He makes car engine noises and crashing sounds with his mouth while he does that. I'm just glad he's not bored.

When people start to come in and shop I begin to actually start working. I don't have time to pay attention to Rex anymore. When Mr. Davis sees how many people I have to check out he comes from the back room and begins to talk to Rex. I silently whisper "Thank you," to him and then continue working.

At the end of my shift I go up to Mr. Davis. He sits in his office chair playing with Rex and his Hot Wheels car. I smile at the sight of Rex having fun and enjoying himself. I clear my throat loudly and then Rex looks up at me. He stands up, runs over to me and gives me a tight hug.

"Hey, bud. Did you have fun?" I ask him. He nods his head vigorously. I look up at Mr. Davis and thank him one more time. "Thank you for playing with him. You don't have to do that every time though."

"Oh, no problem he's a really fun kid."

"I was also wondering if I could start working full time or a few more days than I have been." I don't tell him how I need it because Mom is gone. He would have probably asked questions and the last thing I want is to be bombarded with more of those.

"Uh, sure. I've been needing a bit more help around here anyways. What days were you thinking?" He looks confused but accepting.

"Any days you need me really." We set up a schedule for when I'll be working. I have two days off and those days are Mondays and Tuesdays. Rex and I leave the store and head home.

It feels weird. Not having Mom around doesn't feel right. Now that she's gone, I have to take her job and take care of Rex and myself. It's some big shoes to fill, but hopefully I can handle it. I just miss her so much.