Part Seventeen: The Adventures Of Single Susan:
The next morning, Dean, Brandey, Lindsay, Castiel, and Chad all sit down at the kitchen table. "Where's Sam?" Brandey asks. "Oh. He told me he was going to try and seduce Brendan." Chad explains.
"Sam? SEDUCE someone?" Dean smiles, before cackling. "He's practically asexual." "Didn't you tell me that one time you saw him search Topanga on pornhub?" Brandey asks. "Oh. Yeah. That was scarring." Dean remarks. "He's a Topanga-sexual" Chad jokes, before they all laugh together.
Susan comes downstairs, sighing dramatically. Her hairs a mess, bags under her eyes and crinkles on her face.
"AAAHHH! IT'S A DEMON!" Dean shouts, throwing a napkin at her.
"I'm not a DEMON, YOU LITTLE SHIT!" Susan shouts back, making everyone else flinch in fear. "Geez, Mom. You on your period?" Lindsay asks. "Oh, I stopped getting my period years ago." Susan comments, before beginning to fix herself a toaster strudel.
Castiel throws up.
"Morning sickness AGAIN?" Lindsay complains. "No...Just...Oh my God I can't handle it" Cas gags, looking away from Susan. She begins to cry, her tears flying into the toaster where her toaster strudel bakes. The toaster makes electrical sounds, before shutting down entirely.
Susan wails. "Aw, Susan, don't take Cas's comment too personally. He's just really judgmental when he's pregnant." Lindsay tries to comfort her.
"Shut yo bitch ass up."
"See?"
Susan sighs, wiping her tears. "I'm just so...Lonely. Gerald left me for New Mexico." "Actually, he left you for a WOMAN in New Mexico." Brandey corrects, holding up her finger. That just makes Susan cry harder. "What'd I say?" Brandey asks, after noticing everyone else sitting at the table is glaring at her.
"Here's a joke to cheer you up, Susan! Last night, Sam left to try to go and SEDUCE BRENDAN!" Dean smiles.
Susan chuckles quietly. "Ah, that did make me feel a little better." She recalls.
Sam walks through the door, with messy hair, hickies on his neck, and a shit ass grin on his face. The hypothetical live audience gasps, cheers, claps and whoops.
"Holy moly!" Chad yells. Sam shuts the door. "Get some action last night, Sammy?" Dean asks suggestively, as Sam walks across the floor with bare feet.
"Somethin' like that." Is all he reveals with a smirk.
"Ohhh, why can't I get some action?!" Susan whines, before bursting into tears.
"Is she okay...?" Sam whispers to everyone else. "She's lonely." Lindsay whispers back.
"Period?"
"We wish."
"Is that Brendan's shirt?" Brandey asks, pointing to the top Sam's wearing.
"What? No..." Sam lies, scratching the top of his head. "It has a giant duck on the front." Dean states. "In fact, it looks JUST like Quackles."
"Brendan likes to have photoshoots for him, okay?!" Sam screams to them, becoming fed up.
Dean cringes, awkwardly looking away. "What?" Sam asks. "Nothing. It's just...Hard to deal with the fact that HE'S the guy you lost your virginity to." Dean continues to lack eye contact.
Sam gawks, his mouth dropping open in shock. "Technically, he didn't even 'lose' his virginity. Haven't you heard the phrase: butthole is loophole?" Brandey asks.
"What?" Sam asks, turning pale.
"You're still a virgin, kid."
"Aw, crap!" Sam yells, running out of the house.
He runs all the way backs to Brendan's house, banging on the door almost as hard as he banged Brendan last night.
Michael opens the door, wiping his tears of humiliation. Sam freezes. "Oh no. Did something happen to Quackles?" He asks him.
"What? No!" Michael yells in anger. Sam jumps. "Oh.."
Michael stares at him with a bland look, and sighs. "What?" Sam asks, not seeing the problem. Michael rolls his eyes. "Just-get in" he grumbles, pulling Sam inside and closing the door. "Is that Quackles on the front of your shirt?" He asks.
"Uh...Yes. But it's-it's not Brendan's if that's what you're thinking-"
"Sam, it's fine. I KNOW what's going on."
"You do...?"
"Yes! If you and Brendan want to trade clothes to experiment with your style, that's fine. I have no problem with that. I went through a bandana phase in high school."
"Okay..."
Michael sighs again, and walks over to his laptop, sitting on the ottoman in front of the couch.
"What's wrong, mister?" Sam asks him.
"I signed up for farmersonly.com in the middle of the night last night. Still haven't gotten any emails from any women, OR men."
"You're interested in both?"
"Oh, no. It'd just be nice to be appreciated."
"Aw, don't worry Michael. It's only been, what, ten hours? Not much is gonna happen right away." Sam comforts.
"Do you think it's because I put 'not really a farmer' in my bio?"
Sam blinks. "Uh...Where's Brendan?"
"Upstairs with Quackles. He wouldn't stop smilin' this morning, for some odd reason."
"Really? Interesting...I'll be right back."
Walking down the hallway over to Brendan's room, he hears faded electronic dance music, coming from inside. He knocks, before entering.
Inside, he sees Brendan snapping picture of Quackles, who wears a fedora on his head, and a candy necklace draped around his neck. "Yeah, come on Quackles, WORK IT!" Brendan smiles over the music, taking more pictures. "QUACK!" He protests, irritated by the bright flash. "Quack ME? Quack YOU!" Brendan yells to him in anger. "Ahem..." Sam gets their attention. Once Brendan sees that he's there, he shuts off the music. "Oh h-hey Sam...! What's up?" He drops the camera. Quackles leaves, closing the door behind him.
"Um..." Sam starts.
"About last night." They say together, before chuckling at the same time.
"Do you...Regret, what we did?" Brendan wonders nervously. "What? No. Of course not. Um, are you sure that we really lost our virginities to each other? I mean, I know you technically lost yours to Lindsay, but-"
"The horror!" Brendan interrupts.
"Yeah. But are you sure I really...Lost MINE?"
Brendan frowns. "I mean, I would think so. It was still...Intercourse."
"Yeah, but it was through the..." Sam trails off, before nervously looking around. "Butthole." He whispers.
"I still don't get what you're trying to say."
"Brandey told me that...Doing anal...Isn't ACTUALLY losing your virginity."
"Well what other hole were you supposed to put it in?!" Brendan cries.
"I don't know...! I mean, you don't have a vagina."
"I know! I'll get penis removal surgery, replace it with a vagina, you can stick your peepee inside it, then you'll technically lose your virginity!" Brendan smiles.
"That's going a little too far. Plus, I'm pretty sure that's offensive to transgenders..." Sam shuts the idea down. "Crap" Brendan whispers.
"But you know what? It doesn't even matter. I'm just glad it happened..." Sam admits.
"I'm glad it happened too."
They smile at each other. "So, was it awkward when my Dad answered the door...?" Brendan asks.
"Not for the reasons you'd think. He's been crying about his farmersonly.com situation." Sam tells him.
Brendan uncomfortably hisses like a snake. "Ooh. Yeah. I really think he should just sign up for christianmingle.com."
So, they convince Michael to do just that. "Ooohhh yayyyyy!!!" He smiles, after the boys help him make his account.
"I can't wait to meet all the lovely people!"
"That's great Dad, uh, we're gonna go back to Sammy's place." Brendan takes Sam's hand. He gives him a desperate look. "Right?"
"Uhhhh...Yeah...!"
They run out of the house together. Once they return to the Weavers, they're greeted by everyone, including Susan who's still crying. "Oh Susan, what's wrong?" Brendan asks in concern.
"DON'T LOOK AT ME!!!"
Everyone else in the kitchen jumps. "Mom, why don't you...Head to the living room? We can watch a movie on my laptop." Lindsay suggests. "I can show you the ins and outs of porn" Dean tells her.
"No!!" Everyone else screams.
"I know! We can get you on omegle!" Lindsay smiles. "CHATROULETTE!!" Brandey shouts.
"Why, are those dating sites?" Susan wonders.
"Sure...!"
Lindsay, Brandey and Susan all head into the living room.
"So guys," Dean looks at Sam and Brendan.
"What did you guys DO last night? Get it? DO? Because 'do' is like-"
"We GET it, Dean. Shut up." Sam snaps. Brendan chortles. "Dean, why you must stop teasing. I think it's beautiful that Sam and Brendan made passionate love." Castiel comments.
"Yeah, sure..." Sam mutters, with his eyebrows raised.
They hear a shriek come from the living room. "Susan! Do you need psychiatric care?!" Dean demands.
"I saw a ding dong on omegle!!!" She yells to them. "HOLLA!" Chad smiles, thrusting his fist in the air.
"Dammit!!!" Yells John, who's hiding out in their attic again. He pulls up his pants, and slams the laptop he had stolen from Target, shut.
"What was that?" Sam asks, looking at the ceiling.
"Nothing...!" They hear John yell. "Dad! Leave!" Dean demands to the ceiling. "You can't make me!!!!" John yells to them, before he falls through the ceiling of the living room.
Lindsay and Brandey shriek, when John falls into Susan's arms. "Dang it John! Again?!" Susan demands.
"I should leave, shouldn't I..."
"YES!!"
John stomps through the kitchen, where his sons, and Brendan and Chad all glare at him. "Can't you fix the ceiling Castiel?" Chad asks him. "Nope. Angel powers don't work when I'm pregnant." Cas answers.
John leaves the house.
Lindsay and Brandey decide to sign Susan up for eharmony.com.
She gets a match almost instantly. "Boys!!" She smiles, bursting into the kitchen. "I got a match! His name is Dan Swoozey! We're going out tonight! Here's his picture!" She pulls out Lindsay's laptop, showing them a picture of a tall man with blonde hair and blue eyes.
Sam whistles in amusement. Brendan looks at him, and Sam lies "uh sometimes I just whistle out of nowhere..."
"Mm hm. Ya know, that kinda looks like my uncle Jeff." Brendan looks back at the picture.
"No one cares" Dean says, as Susan closes the laptop. Brendan flips him off.
That night, everyone but Susan sits in the living room, watching Justin Bieber: Never Say Never on the TV.
Susan walks in with pieces of wood and a hammer, announcing, "Everyone, my date is coming here for dinner. So stay in here and don't be too loud."
Barely paying attention to her, everyone else mutters gibberish.
"And to make sure you stay out..." She hammers the pieces of wood onto the other side of the door.
"Mom, what the fuck?!" Lindsay yells. "Don't worry! It'll only be for a few hours!" They hear her yell to them.
"But what if we have to go to the bathroom...?!" Dean asks sacredly.
"Go out the window!" She answers, before beginning to light romantic candles at the dinner table.
"I WOULD snap us out of here, but I'm pregnant!" Cas cries. "Thanks a lot Lindsay." Chad snaps. "Shut up!"
"At least we got the biebs" Brandey smiles, leaning on Dean's shoulder. "I like his old hair better!!!!!" He yells to the TV. They all shush him.
Sam and Brendan snuggle on the couch together.
The doorbell rings. "Ooh, he's here!" They hear Susan squeal, before opening the door. "Hiya Susan!" They hear a familiar sounding southern accent greet her.
"You look nothing like Dan!!"
"Oh yeah. I MAY have used my brother Jeff's picture instead my own."
Brendan jumps off the couch, and kicks the door down. "Dad?!" He yells, seeing Michael holding a bouquet of daisies, standing next to Susan.
"Damn, if he's this feisty in real life he must be great in bed" Brandey mutters. "What?" Sam asks, frowning.
"I said nothing..."
"Oh...! Hey Brendan...!" Michael greets awkwardly.
"YOU'RE her date?! How?!"
"Things weren't working out on christianmingle, so I switched to eharmony. I lied about my name, and used uncle Jeff's picture because, let's face it-he's a hunk."
"You got that right!!" Sam yells.
Brendan glares at him.
"Well Michael, I'm glad you like me, but you also lied."
"But I did it for love!"
"LEAVE!" Susan pushes him out of the house, and slams the door in his face.
"Hey! That is NO way to treat my papa!" Brendan scolds Susan.
"Shut up, you little twit!" She screams back. Sam walks over to him, grabbing his wrist.
"You alright?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. My Dad's gonna be crying for the rest of the night, though."
"Nice going, Mom!!" Lindsay yells to her. "Hey! Do not BLAME me. You know what? I don't even know why I'm doing any of this. I don't NEED a man." Susan declares.
"Why doesn't anyone love me" she sobs five minutes later, crying over Lindsay's laptop.
"Can I have my laptop back...?" Lindsay asks her awkwardly.
John roams the night town. He hears a random "psss." Coming from nearby.
"Henry?" He asks, seeing another nearby homeless man.
"Hey Johnny."
"Don't call me that."
"I need a huge favor."
"What now?"
"You know Courtney?"
"The crack dealer?" John asks, remembering who she is. "Yeah. We're going out tomorrow night, but she wants it to be a double date or some shit. She's scared of gettin' date raped again."
"Oh shit."
"Yeah. So, get yourself a woman and join us. It'll make Courtney real comfortable."
"What's in it for me?"
"I'll buy you a drink."
John bangs on the door of the Weaver house. "What do you want John?" Susan asks, after seeing that it's him.
"Just the special lady I was looking for."
She squints her eyes and crosses her arms.
"Excuse me?"
Upstairs, Sam and Brendan make out on Sam's bed, alone in the room he and Brandey share. Brandey and Dean sit in the living room, watching Twilight New Moon.
"Is your Dad here?" She mutters to him.
"Oh geez." They pause the movie, and walk out to where John and Susan are.
Chad, Castiel and Lindsay hide out in the attic, playing parcheesi.
Meanwhile, Sam reaches for Brendan's zipper. Brendan pushes his hand away and smiles at him. "No." He grins.
"Why not?" He smiles back with a smirk.
"Lindsay Chad and Castiel are in the attic!"
"So what? They're focused on parcheesi." Sam continues to smirk, kissing Brendan's neck.
He laughs, pushing his head away.
"On our first date you were so scared I was gonna try to bang you, and now you're horny as hell" he smiles to him.
"That's because I didn't know what I was missing" Sam flirts, kissing his boyfriends lips roughly.
Both their shirts come off, when Lindsay, Chad and Castiel all fall through the ceiling and on top of them, along with their parcheesi board and dice.
"So do I win...?" Lindsay asks Cas and Chad.
"No, Lindsay! I told you I win!" Cas demands.
She notices Sam and Brendan's lack of shirts.
"Were you guys about to do it?" She asks them.
"HOLLA!!!" Chad screams again, busting everyone's ear drums.
"SAAAAAM!!! GET DOWN HERE!!! NOOOOOOW!" Dean shouts downstairs in fury.
"We're COMING!!" Sam shouts down to him, making Brendan flinch.
"You sure about that?" Chad mutters.
