Goofed: A Short Story Collection

In The Arms of An Angel

"Aye! Get off me you cursed mutt!", the rugged man screamed as he kicked at me. How could I have known that he didn't want to play! Surely what I had in mind was better than what he had going on, looking at that mysterious bright box all day. My stomach growled, I hadn't eaten since yesterday morning. I knew what to do.

I scurried to the room where I knew the food was, I remembered seeing the man toss some food into that metal bin, surely he wouldn't mind if I took it. But I was wrong. He came rushing in the second he heard the clang of metal hitting the tile floor. "That's it. That is...this is it, you're straight outta luck." He ran to me and grabbed me before I could get away. "You wanna dig in my garbage? Well guess what, now you get to be my garbage."

Yeah, you read that right. He had the nerve to abandon me in a box in some abandoned parking lot. You might be thinking, how did it come to this? Where did the life of this exceptional Jack Russell Terrier begin? Funny that you ask, there's really not much to it. I remember her, nursing us. I remember roughing around with my siblings. I remember watching complete strangers come in and take them, one by one, until I was the last one left. I was taken myself eventually, by that aforementioned rugged man. And, well, we both know how that went.

"Oh woah! Sarah get over here!", Tommy ran over to the box, my box, of course. Wait, no my bad, it was actually a box full of contraband. "Holy crap, Sarah! It's a whole whoppin' load of firearms, straight from Russia!"
Sarah leapt from the truck and sprinted towards him, she stared at the guns intently, "Do you know what this means?!" Tommy looked at her with a grin, "We're about to become kingpins." Sarah's eyes filled with tears, "I mean, dang, we just came here to make out and stuff, but Tommy, the world just hand delivered us our futures!"
"Radical.", Tommy crooned.

Meanwhile, in my box, I had the pleasure of witnessing all of this first hand. If there's anything I learned from living with that rugged old geezer, it's that crime is bad. Now you might be wondering, how does a dumb dog know anything about crime? Please, the old fart was always watching those shows. I'll have you know that I'd seen all 13 seasons of NCIS. Twice.

"Tommy, would you do the honor of loading our sweet destiny into the truck?" Sarah said with a certain tone, I can't explain it, but whatever it was encouraged a very strange response. "I'll get to that, but in case you forgot why we came here in the first place..." That's when he started eating her face. These people were more vile than I had originally assumed. "Dear lord, this must be stopped.", I thought, from the comfort of my box. I rose from my cardboard home, and stepped out onto the pavement. I stepped slowly towards them, it was time for me to prove myself.

"Mm, God Tommy.", Sarah moaned. "Yeah?" Tommy sang. "I'm like, so glad I didn't dump your face, I was totally gonna do it. I need a man, Tommy."
"Heh heh, yeah that's right, I'm your man", Tommy frothed, "...wait, you were gonna dump m-"
"BarkBarkBarkBarkBarkBarkBarkBarkBarkBarkBark!!!"
"KILL ALL WITNESSES!", Sarah cried as she pulled an assault rifle out of the box and started spraying bullets in my direction. But she was no match for me. "Oh god, oh god." Tommy cried as he watched me tear out her throat.

Psych.

"Oh god, oh god.", Tommy cried as I relentlessly licked Sarah in the earholes. "GET IT OFF ME YOU WORTHLESS WHORE."
"Not so fast you kids", commanded Sheriff Nolan as he and a squad of cop cars surrounded the premises. "Yeah, we heard the gunfire." Sarah and Tommy looked at each other in fear. They'd have to wait a bit longer till they found their destiny. I, on the other hand, had just found mine. "Good work, pup", Sheriff Nolan said as he scratched behind my ears. "I hope you don't mind, but I wanna take you in. You did great work here today, we could use your skills in the never ending fight to crush all evil. And youth. God, curse them youths." I wagged my tail in agreement.

That's right, Fùggonton's top detective is none other than I, busting the balls of crime to this very gay.

"Wait, wait, sorry. Day?", asked the translator. "Woof." I barked in annoyance.
"Yes, yes. Sorry sir. Well, your speech is all ready for the Fùggonton Fair tomorrow."
"Woof."
"I love you too, Sammy."
"WOOF."
"Ah right, get out, of course sir."