The sound of birds chirping outside the window, sun beams shooting through the drapery. The morning dew recessing on the grass, having travelled so far; from the ocean to a rain cloud to summer humidity. Or so Jackson had been taught in his advanced Ecology course. It was an especially posh morning when Jackson awoke with a simper. "What a beautiful day today is, and as such, I am beautiful, for nature has blessed me so."
Jackson threw off his bed linens and leapt to his feet. "I, Jackson Crawford, son of Mayor Crawford, hereby declare that today will be a glorious day, brimming with an abundance of wonder, beauty, and..", with a twinkle in his precious little iris, "...romance."
After a refreshing cleanse in his indoor spring, Jackson slipped into his finest turtle neck, pulled on his most dashing pair of khakis, stepped into his most glamorous pair of shoes, and did his hair up real nice.
Ready to start his day, Jackson began brewing his favorite cup of java. "Barry, play Fùggonton's Finest classical station." Jackson starkly commanded of his favorite A.I. Assistant. "No results for foogin tinsels fine-ish gas hole station." Jackson, deeply offended by such an uncouth response, hurled his cup of joe across the room, "How dare you give me that tone, Barry!" There was no response.
"Barry?!"
"Sorry, I didn't get that." What happened next is hard to describe in fine literature.
After summoning his personal factotum to eradicate the debris, Jackson decided to go outdoors and soak in the beautiful weather.
"My god, this weather is absolutely beau-...hm", Jackson stopped to pull out his phone, "Barry, what's a more fancy word for beautiful?"
"Ravishing."
"MY GOD, this weather is absolutely ravishing!"
"Why are you talking to your phone?", asked a suspecting citizen.
"Dear god, the curse of the middle-class!", Jackson yelped in horror as he whipped out his trusty pepper spray, "stay the flip away from me, you heathen..."
"Alright man, yeesh. Your privilege is setting off my allergies", the poor man said monotonously, truly exasperated.
Disgusted, Jackson decided to continue his relaxing trek in the opposite direction.
"Barry, where is the nearest taco truck? Why continue living if I can't even stay fully nourished during my entire 16 hour cycle of consciousness?"
"Tony's Taco is located 3.1 miles south, take a left in 0.6 miles."
"Heh, thanks Barry. You know, I apologize for blowing up at you earlier. You know how I get when I have to, you know, repeat myself."
"Sorry, I didn't-"
"@#%&!!", Jackson exclaimed as he murdered Barry, stomping his glamorous shoes into Barry's screen until he was nothing but a pile of technicalities.
"Holy crap, dude.", the exasperated man commented.
"EAT THIS YOU PART-TIME WORKING SWINE!" Jackson cried as he pepper-sprayed without remorse.
YOU ARE READING
Goofed: A Short Story Collection
Short StoryA multitude of goofs, all in one elegant collection.
