RASTRORIES

Maybe This Time (3)

RHIAN's POV

It's been a month since I landed here in Virginia. And I have been crying ever since. I badly wanted to be with her. To see her smile again. To hear her laugh once more. To feel her body one more time. But I know that this is not the time for us. Not yet.

I can't bear to be with her without owning her. And I know that I am not strong enough to own her either. I am not ready for people's judgment. I know that loving her makes me a lesbian too and I can't face the discrimination that comes with it. I can't be anything but normal. I have always wanted to have a happy family. Something that I never had. And I will never have that with Glaiza.

I am lying in bed, torturing myself by looking at our pictures on my phone, nang nag facetime video call ang bestfriend kong si Bianca.

"hi bes." my voice husky from nights of crying.

"bes! my God! si Glaiza nagwawala nanaman!" Napaupo ako bigla.

"ha? anong nangyari?"

"eh di katulad lang din nung mga nakaraang araw. iyak ng iyak. eh anong magagawa ko? talagang wala kong Rhian na mailalabas dito sa bulsa ko kahit gustohin ko. awang awa ako sa kanya. naloloka na nga pati mga kapit-bahay namin sa kanya eh. gusto na syang ipadampot sa village security."

"bes please. huwag mong payagang mangyari yun."

"syempre hindi noh. ganon pa rin, hinintay ko syang kumalma tsaka ko sya kino comfort. pero sana Rhi nagpaalam ka na lang ng maayos. kawawa talaga sya eh."

"alam mo namang hindi ko kayang gawin yun."

"I know. pero sana lang din inisip mo yung mararamdaman nya at sana tama yung naging desisyon mo."

"for now, bes, alam kong ito yung tama."

"if you say so."

Lumipas pa ng ilang buwan ang pananatili ko dito sa US. I got busy working for one of fortune 500's financial institution. But I still get regular updates from Bianca about Glaiza. Naging friends na din sila along with her boyfriend. She has started working too. Galing nga eh. After only about a year, she already got promoted as an Operations Manager in one of the BPOs there in the Philippines.

I'm really happy for her. Unti-unti na rin nyang natutupad yung mga pangarap nya. This is what I've been holding on to tuwing nakakaramdam ako ng pangungulila sa kanya. I know that it's unfair because Glaiza would still have achieved her dreams kahit nasa tabi man nya ako or wala dahil sa magaling naman talaga sya. Pero kailangan ko lang siguro ng dahilan para ma justify yung pananakit ko sa kanya. In reality, ako naman talaga ang hindi ready. I was and still am weak.

Lumipas pa ang mga buwan at naging malimit na rin ang communication namin ni Bianca. Naging busy rin sya sa pagpapatakbo ng family business nila. Noong birthday nya, tinawagan ko ulit sya through facetime.

"hi bes. happy birthday!" bati ko dito.

"hi bes. thank you."

"hi Rhi." bati din ni champ, boyfriend ni Bianca sa background.

"Pards, si Rhian nasa facetime oh!" nagulat ako sa sinabi nito. bumilis bigla ang kabog ng dibdib ko.

"eh ano naman." I could not go wrong. I would recognize that voice in a sea of people.