Broken porcelain a Josh Ramsay fan fiction (plus a little bit of Tyler Joseph)

Breakdown

A/n I'm only updating because @bandluver182 wanted me too✌🏻️✌🏻✌🏻go follow her, she's amazing.

Amanda's pov

I woke up, and tried to get up but I couldn't. That's when I remembered that Josh was next to me, asleep. I decided to just lie back down so I didn't wake him because it was rare for him to sleep. I slowly grabbed my iPod and went on iMessages and texted Katie. I also checked the time and it was 10:37.

Hey are u awake?-A

Ya-K

Why didn't you just get up and talk to me?-K

Cause last night I fell asleep with Josh and he's asleep now so I don't want to wake him cause of his insomnia-A

Oh-K

"Hi" Josh's voice startled me.

"Hi" I said, smiling at him.

He stretched and I got out of the bunk and grabbed some clothes and my makeup from my suitcase and went to the bathroom. I stripped off all my clothes except from my underwear and bra.

You're so ugly

Oh god. Not again, I thought. I haven't had the voice inside my head for a couple weeks now but it looks like it was back.

You're really fat too. You should cut your arms and not eat anything at all today.

Grr... I looked at myself. I was fat. I was ugly. I shouldn't eat.

I quickly put in my outfit which was black leggings and a whit tank top with a fringe on each side and a Mickey Mouse head silhouette that says "never stop dreaming". I added some short black boots and then brushed my hair and left it down. I put on some gold eyeliner on my eyelids and some brown on the bottom. I added a coat of mascara to my eyelashes and then put on some concealer and powder. I dabbed some red on my lips really lightly and then quickly did a couple cuts in my wrist and rapped it in a bandage. I pulled on a black cardigan and then grabbed all my stuff and left.

I put my dirty clothes in my laundry hamper and put my makeup away. "Amanda! C'mon, Katie made us all breakfast!" I heard Tyler (Joseph) call.

Oh shit. How am I gonna get out of this?

I walked to the front room to see everyone eating bacon and pancakes.

"Um I'm not really hungry right now." I said, looking down.

Josh (Ramsay) and Katie both sighed and at the exact same time said "Amanda you have to eat." They glared at each other and said "don't copy me" again, at the same time. Katie flipped off Josh and then grabbed my arm and pulled my towards the back room of the bus.

"Amanda why won't you eat?" She asked me.

"I just don't like to eat in the morning is it really that big of deal?" I asked.

She sighed and then left the room with me following behind her.

I sat down in the front room and Josh sat next to me with his plate of food. "Please just have a little bit?" He asked with puppy dog eyes.

I sighed and ate a couple pieces of bacon, dipped in maple syrup (I know, the most Canadian thing ever) and then said "there you go" and got up and went to the washroom.

You are so fat. Just throw it up. No one will know. The voice in my head said.

I turned the shower on to drown out the sound and then knelt down on the floor and threw it up. I expected it to make me feel worse but it somehow made me feel better.

I hopped in the shower and got wet, then got out so that it didn't seem weird that I wasn't wet at all. I grabbed a towel to dry off and then remembered that I left my towel in my bunk. I sighed and sat down on the edge of the tub. Tears started streaming down my face and I don't know why not having a towel pushed me over the edge but it did.

I grabbed my razor and in my head started to count.

One cut for Jacob
One cut for being bulimic.
One cut for getting addicted to heroin.
One cut for cutting.
One cut for rehab not fixing me.
One cut for being fat
One cut for being ugly.
One cut for breaking Joshs promise.
One cut for being a fuck up.

I looked down at my arm and saw 9 cuts. I wrapped them up in a bandage and then stood up. I opened the bathroom door a crack and looked to see if anyone was there.

"Guys?" I yelled.

I waited for half a minute before Tyler walked back saying "what?"

"Can you please grab me my towel from my suitcase on my bunk?" I asked.

He looked at my face which was the only thing you could see and said "have you been crying?"

"No I got something on my eye" I lied, flashing him a fake smile.

He seemed sceptical but got me my towel. I reached my arm out to grab it and as I did he gasped. I looked down and saw that the guaze bandage around my cuts had come up a little and was revealing a couple of them. I quickly grabbed the towel and slammed the door shut. I wrapped the towel around my body and slid down the floor, sobbing and shaking.

I heard a knock on the door. "Amanda? Are you alright?" I heard Josh (Ramsay) ask. I didn't answer, I just scooched over and hid behind a counter. Josh knocked and called from me for another minute before warning me that he was coming in. I quickly put on my bra and underwear, along with a sweater and just as I finished zipping it up he opened the door.

"Amanda? Why are you back there?"

I looked up at him, my eyes puffy and my face red from crying. "What's wrong?" He asked

" I don't feel good" I lied.

"C'mere." He said reaching his arms out to me. I took his arm and he pulled me up. I quickly slid on some shorts and Josh pulled me in for a hug.

I guess Tyler didn't tell anyone I thought.

Josh let go and we both walked out to the front room. I tried to avoid tylers concerned look and sat down. I braided and unbraided a little section of my hair and no one said anything.

"I-I'm gonna go d-draw." I stuttered.

I quickly got up and went to my bunk. I sat there drawing for what had to be a good half hour before I heard someone lightly tap on the wall, like knocking on a door.

"Amanda?" I looked up and wished I could hide from who I saw standing there.