letters to hide

to the crush

dear,
the guy with snapbacks.

you're such an idiot, you know that? you are such an ignorant little twat and i completely despise your entire existence. i loathe every single minute i spend with you and i'm not sure if its because i like you or because you like someone else. you see, when i look at you, i don't just see puppy brown eyes and a body covered in black clothing. i see that one little freckle on your nose and i see the scar on the bottom of your right cheek. i see the northern stars that are hidden behind your eyelids and the greatest constellation of stars that constantly shine inside your mind. you look like art to me but you look at me and you see nothing but a repulsive set of organs and a bunch of offensive words.

i remember when i first saw you and i genuinely thought you were a jerk. i still think the same but you know, you're like an attractive jerk so its okay. i wanted to just come forward and punch you in that little nose of yours so badly but i held back when i listened to the songs you love. it was then when i thought that i could maybe tolerate you. and i guess i did.

you do realize that you have the kind of power that can stop the universe to just listen to what you have to say, right? or maybe you just stop mine. i don't know. but one thing i do know is that even though we don't talk anymore, i'm glad i met you because i never really thought that a girl like me was capable of feeling all these foreign emotions all at once. and god knows the things i feel when i think of you.

do you think of me? maybe not romantically but do i even cross your mind? do some petty things remind you of me or have you forgotten about me already? i highly doubt that you remember me. people like me are rarely even remembered. and that stings a little. the fact that i was nothing but a mere star that you saw once and never thought of it again when in my world, you were the north star that guided me home. but every star has to fall, i guess.

crushes are weird, huh? its like you just go and choose someone and let them wreck your life in the most beautiful way ever. its like you planted flowers on my feet and now i'm tangled in the great mess and i'm tripping on every step i take. my knees are bleeding and my palms are covered in thorns but i keep going on because the fragrance from the flowers mixed with the smoke you blow, give me more strength than any elixir. and i hope that i give you that feeling too. you must feel amazing knowing that you have such a capacity or maybe you're crumbling beneath it. in that case, i guess you feel the same way as me.

god, i'm so pathetic and its all your fault. you tore my walls and created this great artifact with the broken pieces and although its beautiful, its quite not the same and it makes me feel vulnerable. the worst things in life are the ones that make us feel alive, i guess. but i know that to me, you are the best thing that has ever happened yet you make me feel more alive than ever.

love,
the girl with the painted converse.