letters to hide

to the father

dear,
someone.

everyday has been the same for us for the past 16 years. you return home from work at 9, sit in front of the tv with a beer in your hand and don't talk to anyone who dares to disturb your leisure time. cant blame you, you have to work for hours. i bet sitting on a comfy chair throughout the whole day is tiring. i mean, ask your wife, she does that everyday.

i remember once when i asked you to teach me some math equation and you shushed me out. your favourite team was winning or something. anyways, the next day, i failed the test. and you got so mad.

you were furious. that was the first time you called me a disgrace. you said i was a nobody and poor 11 year old me believed you. you didn't realize it was your fault too, but i guess i didn't either.

i spent the next 5 or so years hating myself; doubting every step i ever took and didn't dare to look at people in their eyes. i withered under their questions and you just watched me suffer while sipping on your beer.

god, i'm suffocating under this cloud of pain and anxiety and all you seem to care about is how low my grades are or how well i'm doing compared to my cousins. did you notice me suffering or were you too busy with your own selfish needs? do you even care?

you were my father. you are my father, dad. you are supposed to be this protective figure in my life that gives me advices about the real world and helps me get through it. you're supposed to protect me and make sure that i can take care of myself when i'm alone. instead you let the waves of despair hit me and wash me away with the things you forgot about.

sometimes i think to myself and convince myself that you have your reasons too. you see, i'm a diplomat that way. i see things from others perspective mainly because, well, i don't trust mine. and i've spent so much time blaming myself for the things that you did.

i blamed myself for granddad's death. i blamed myself for us having financial problems. i blamed myself for the way we are. i blamed myself because no one takes the blame. i blamed myself because i was tired of us going around in circles.

cant you see? we're not a family, dad. we're a bunch of people living together in hopes that one day, we'll be able to support each other. but we're all unstable, dad. everyone needs crutches and no one is willing to take the first step.

i am, dad. i am.

but you're all holding me back. you're holding me back with your own wants because you're scared that i'll leave you there. i wont. i just need you to trust me, okay? i really do.

i promise you that i will make this work. i will do the things you thought i couldn't do. i may not be able to move mountains, but i am able to conquer them.

i just wish you were willing to climb them with me.

with hope,
the child who still sees the good in you.