The Man I Love (Cashby)

"Shhh shhh calm down My sweet Ally cat."

Chapter 11

Alan's POV
As I opened my eyes, I sighed. I didn't want to move. Somehow during the night Austin and I had moved to where I was laying back on the couch and his head was laying on my stomach and his arm was draped over my hip. I ran my fingers through his hair a few times before feeling extremely guilty. I shouldn't should I? I mean James has done far worse to me besides just cuddling with another person. So it really shouldn't matter. Maybe I was just the problem though. James's words have to have some meaning behind them. I wasn't worth all the trouble anyways. I was useless. I sighed and rested my head back against the arm of the couch. Austin wiggled around and pressed his face further into my stomach causing me to giggle. Austin pulled me tighter against him and resumed his snoring, which was pretty loud I might add. I became fully aware of Austin laying on my stomach in that moment. My shirt was raised slightly and he seemed comfortable, but that was probably only because of how much fat that I had stored there. He would  probably be repulsed by the sight when he woke up. I tried to calm down my anxiety but nothing was working. Despite how comfortable I was and how comfortable Austin looked I couldn't get my mind to take that into consideration. As I tried to pull my shirt down so Neither of us would have to see the blob underneath Austin stirred.

"How long have you been up?" Austin said in a husky voice that sent shivers down my spine.
"I'm not sure." I admitted.
"If you wanted you could have moved." He said sitting up slightly and stretching.
"It's fine. I-I was comfortable." I said and smiled shyly. He smiled back up at me and got up from the couch taking my hand and pulling me with him.
"So bacon and eggs?" He said with his head in the refrigerator.
I shrugged as he put a carton of eggs and a pack of bacon on the nearby counter.

I watched as Austin cooked breakfast. He was mouthing the words to an unknown song and occasionally danced along with the imaginary tune. Austin turned towards me and smirked.
"Like what ya see?" He said with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
"Shut up." I said with a groan.

Once Austin finished cooking we sat in the living room eating the delicious looking food.
"You didn't leave any for me?" A voice said from the kitchen.
I turned my head towards Austin.
"Ya snooze ya lose Tino." Austin said with a laugh. Ohh Tino, his roommate. I had forgotten he even had one he was rarely seen.
"I'll just eat a Poptart." Tino came into the room with us and sat down on the recliner in the corner.

"That was good." I said as I sat my more than half full plate on the coffee table in front of me. Austin smiled at me. "Is that all your gonna eat? That was barely a mouthful." I nodded and he took both of our plates to the kitchen. As soon as he sat back down there was a loud knock at the door. Followed by a "Open the fuck up Austin!" From Kellin's all to familiar voice.
I looked at Austin worriedly. I shot up from my seat and went to the door. I was met with an worried yet angry Kellin.
"Thank whatever God that sits in the clouds that your here. Now you need to get the fuck to your house as much as I hate to say it." Kellin said.
"What's going on?" Austin said from behind me.
"James."
"What about him?" I asked.
"He's like pissed off bad. He showed up at the house and started yelling at me saying you wasn't answering your phone and I must be hiding you. He stormed in the house and Vic had to drag him out, then he said I better find you and send you home or it would be worse." Kellin looked at me sadly. "I don't want you there Alan I don't know whether I should hide you or take you there." He looked conflicted.
"Just give me a ride there." I said picking up my shoes and slipping them on.

"Alan." Austin said and grabbed my hand gently. "Stay, we won't let him near you." He pleaded.
"He's my boyfriend Austin. He loves me I'll be fine." What gave me the notion to say that I'll never know. I gave his hand a gentle squeeze and walked out the door with Kellin.

When we got in the car Kellin didn't start it he just looked at me seriously. "He doesn't love you Alan."
"I know." I said softly and the tears started. I didn't want to go back to the place I once called my home to James, but what choice didn't have. Kellin leaned over the seat and latched onto me. "He never loved me Kells." I sobbed into his shirt. "I was just a toy. Just something he could fuck with, physically and emotionally. I'll never be good enough for him Kellin. I always manage to screw up. It's my fault. Why did he choose me? I'm repulsive." Kellin squeezed me tighter and I sobbed into his shirt.
"Shhh shhh calm down My sweet Ally cat." The tears just came quicker and I couldn't stop them. Austin was a good distraction but now sitting in the car with the one person I couldn't lie to it all came crashing down.

"You want to stay at my place?" Kellin asked and I shook my head.
"No. It'll just make it worse."
"You have to get out of there." Kellin said.
"I will. Will you just take me there." He sighed but started the car anyway.
We pulled up to the house a few minutes later. He walked me to the front door and I knocked softly. The door opened and I was pulled into a pair of arms tightly. I didn't know how to react.
"Alan baby, where did you go? I was worried sick. I'm sorry I didn't mean to get mad. I meant nothing I said last night. I love you." James pulled me away from him and kissed me. I stayed still. "Alan yes I never had liked a guy before you, you were the only one. And I did tell you I was gay, that was a lie I just didn't know how you would react to me being straight and you were the only guy I had ever found attractive." He rushed out and pushed a loose piece of hair behind my ear. "I love you Alan." I wanted to believe it I really did, but at the moment I couldn't.
I cupped his cheek and ran my finger across the surface. I pulled my self away from him and waved bye to a dumbfounded Kellin. I pulled us both into the house and James picked me up and carried me to the couch. Where he sat down and held me in his arms tightly, the embrace I was okay with but he was holding on way too tight.