Dear No One

Twenty-One.

Dear No One,

Sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I had never ran away.
Would I get to see your amazing smile again, the one you had just for me? Would I be able to hold your warm hand that perfectly enveloped mine? Would I get to finally feel your lips on mine?
Again and again, night after night, I ask myself the same question: Would I be happier if I never let you go? The questions race in my head. What would it be like if we were still together? Would we be the same people we were a year ago? What new side of you would I have seen if I stayed? The questions never stop flowing in my head; they never did.
Even if ten years pass, I don't think I'll ever forget how happy you made me. And honestly, I don't think I ever will. Nothing made me happier than the time spent with you. Anytime we spent together was the best time.
I'm sorry I was such a terrible girlfriend. I should have been more caring, more attentive, more energetic. I couldn't give you the girlfriend you wanted. I could never be good enough. No amount of my effort could build me to be the perfect girlfriend you deserved. I regret being scared, and I regret running away when you needed me most. I regret giving up, when I shouldn't have. I don't think I can apologize enough for the hurt I've caused you.
I'm not bitter, nor am I sad. I am only reminiscing. The memories of you no longer bring happiness or depression. The surviving feelings I had for you died a long time ago. They died when I accepted, this is how things are meant to be. That you didn't deserve a terrible girlfriend. That things were better this way. That you could be happier and free this way. These feelings are just numb memories. The flash of hope you'd come back slowly faded away.
I miss you.
Opportunities are hard to come by. Don't throw away the first one. I had to learn that the hard way.
I regret running, and at the same time I regret staying.
The ghost of you is haunting me.
I hardly think you'd remember me. To you, I'm nothing more than some teenage first love you'll laugh about. I'm just a girl who imagined marrying you and you imagined dating just once. I'm just a memory. I really doubt ten years from now you'd remember the girl who broke herself because she was afraid of breaking you.
I woke up into reality. I understand that this is how it will always be. This is the best for you.
I will never cry another tear for you again. That would make me a fool.
A fool that I once was and used to be.

- Wanderer ❖