Dear No One

Nineteen.

Dear No One,

Put the blame on me. I take fault for breaking everything and letting it fall apart. Hell, if it weren't for me, maybe things would be alright. I just don't understand, why let me stay? Tell me you no longer love me, if you even did love me. Yes, I loved our time together. But after all this, I'm starting to doubt everything. Was it all a lie? Everything you felt? I sure as hell know that everything I've felt is real. Too real even. All the smiles and warm feelings and hearty laughs, and all the frowns and dark thoughts and falling tears, they were so real I don't think I can forget them. Now, for every smiling moment we had, there's a crying moment I've had alone. The scale balances out. It was so real. I know you've had it tough, but I don't think you'll ever understand this, how I feel. There's more than you know, than you see, than you hear. Words will NEVER describe what I've felt. Words can only scratch the surface. I want you to know, but then I don't want you to. I want you to see how much it affects me, and how much it hurts to love someone who doesn't love you back. Then I don't want you to see how much it affects me, and how weak I am to allow such feelings to control my life. I really, really loved you. It's insanely difficult to move on. I miss you. Every time I try to move on, I find myself looking for parts of you in them. There's no turning back, from here. We can't take back the damage, and we certainly can't go back. I've already caused you enough pain and sorrow. But, being honest, it is so difficult to not think about you and letting you go. I let go. Because I was afraid of hurting you. I saw the fear in your eyes the day I came crying. I'm a disaster waiting. No one can handle me, and I know that. You knew that I was too much. I saw that you were wavering. You were wondering if I really am what you wanted in a lover. I let go, because you deserved better. Maybe that's why when I came back stable, you didn't want to try again. Because you were finally free from the tornado of drama and trouble, and you didn't want it back in your life. Do you really think I would just stop making contact with you because we broke up? No. I stopped because I was being a burden and I was just wasting your time. Why risk being with a disaster if you don't need to. I thought you were different, but I guess you weren't. You're just like everyone else who's left me. Nothing new. You barely acknowledge me anymore. It's like we're strangers. So might as well forget, right? Let's become the strangers you've made us. It's not like you'd care. So let's try this. Let's forget I ever loved you. Let's forget I cried night after night knowing I've lost someone I cared about more than life. Let's forget you ever made me happy.

- Wanderer,
our final goodbyes. any dying feelings will be written here. however, they are feelings i will not remember who they are for. they are just feelings with no name tag. goodbye, my love. ❖