Social Suicide

No One Really Cares...

After April broke up with me, I realised how much I really meant to the world. It wasn't because of her that i did it, by that point in time, i was feeling so low i would've done it anyway.

The fact that no one cared enough was why I did it. My mum couldn't look at me when i got home, Derek only used me to get to April and even the councilor told me to get over my problems. No one cared at all. 

I just needed someone to say "Hey Rob, you matter!" but instead i got people whispering about me and calling me names.

I tried making friends after April. When i asked her if we could still be friends and she told me she never wanted to see  me again so i avoided her like the plague.

The messages from my father continued, he wanted to know everything about my life but eventually, i just stopped replying. His only intentions were to hurt me.

The teachers looked at me like i was a monster, the kids hated me-- I'm not being dramatic, they'd pass me in the halls everyday and say things like 'ew' or 'loser'-- and at home, i wasn't even wanted.

Eventually, I dyed my hair blue, got an eyebrow piercing and stopped eating. I cut myself off completely from the rest of the world and just floated around, hiding in the shadows. I wish someone had told me they liked my new hair, or they were worried i was losing too much weight-- but no one did. 

It was almost as if they didn't even realise.

When April saw me in the hall, she looked at my blue hair and laughed. I scowled as her and Derek walked away holding hands.

It didn't take April long at all after we broke up to get with Derek. The thought made me sick.

My mum told me to stop being so self absorbed, and when i tried to talk to her she'd just get this really annoyed look in her eyes.

One day before bed, I swallowed a bunch of pills. When i closed my eyes, i thought of April and what could have been if she didn't choose Derek over me. Hopefully, i wouldn't wake up in the morning.

When Rob dyed his hair blue and got that eyebrow piercing, i could tell something was up. He suddenly lost all this weight and sat in class-- no longer raising his hand to asnwer questions the way he normally did.

I admit, i was really worried... but April wanted me to stay away and for her sake I did.

It wasn't until I saw Rob alone. He looked calm, sort of happy. When he saw me he waved, and i thoguht it was the slightest bit off.

I had first period English, and i decided that i would talk to Rob no matter what. It suddenly dawned on me that in my peer communications class that week, the topic was sucide.

We were handed a list of all the things to be wary of if we were ever worried about someone thinking of sucide. There were hepas of signs, but none of them really bothered me except for the first one: "sudden change in appearance".

Maybe Rob wasn't thinking about sucide, but if he was maybe I could help him not think about it. Maybe he just changed his looks because he and April just broke up and people did tend to change their hair after a break up. But it had been two months since they broke up, which was what bothered me most.

Walking into class, I was late as per usual. The teacher scowled at me and I gave her my most gracious smile.

"Take your seat please Derek," she said.

I did.

My heart sank when the seat in front of me was empty.

Rob never missed out on school. Using my phone under the table, i texted April.

                       Have you seen Rob lately?

Within seconds there was a little tick next to the message, telling me she had read it.

                      Actually yeah... He stopped by my house early last night and gave me his phone. He heard my screen cracked and told me he wouldn't be needing his anymore. It was completely restored and everything. Why do you ask?

April's reply came about two minutes later. I hadn't realised i was impatiently tapping my foot until one of the girls closest to me shot me an annoyed glance.

When my phone buzzed, i read it instantly. 

Sign two: giving away personal possessions. 

It didn't take much for me to pack up my things and run out of class. I ran straight to Rob's house and knocked on the door.

No answer.

"Rob, i know you're in there! Let me in you bastard," i shouted. I was scared. I was on the verge of tears and i knew that something wasn't right.

I picked the lock and let myself in. Opening the door to Rob's room, i saw him laying peacfully in his bed.

"NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!" I shouted. I dialled the ambulance straight away and told them the situation.

I tried shaking Rob awake but it was no use, he wouldn't wake up.

Next to his pillow was a scrunched up piece of paper and an empty bottle of pills. I calmed myself down before opening it with shaky hands.

In scraggy writing, it read:

                 November 25th 2013, 2109 hours.

No one really cares...

I did Rob, I did. But i was just too late, and I'm sorry.

When the ambulance came, i rode in the car with him afraid to say goodbye.

I sat in the hospital waiting room when they declared him dead. They left his body in ICU for a couple of people to visit before they took him away for real. 

When i finally moved to his bedside, the room was freezing. I felt numb-- not because of the cold but because i was too late. If he had waited just one more day this wouldn't have happened.

The only person that came to visit him was his father. His mum had packed up her things and left and April... I broke up with her before the second she told me that "these things happen".

He didn't have a funeral, they took his body away and everyone carried on with their lives the way they normally did.

But me, I played a part in Rob's death and I'll never be the same again. I'm sorry Rob, I'll be forever in debt to you.