I'm a prisoner in my own mind
it keeps telling me I'm shit, a waste of space, fucking up my life.
i sit here feeling sorry for myself, knowing full well that as each day goes by,
the less opportunities i have.
it's a daily reminder that I'm running out of time.
These are the thoughts that burden my mind, keep me up at night,
make me realise that no matter how hard i try i am not fine.
I'm tired.
tired of pretending and living this lie.
I'm not alright and I haven't been for a while.
I'm sick to death of feeling sad, walking around with a heavy heart,
putting all of my energy into just being okay... when I'm not.
I'm weak, emotional, fragile.
i put up a strong game face,
but all you need to do is ask me the right questions and it'll all come pouring out.
the dark thoughts, anxiety, self doubts,
how sometimes i just need to sit in a room by myself, to calm the thoughts in my head down.
cos you see on the outside everything is still, everything feels calm, but up here, in my mind, it is so fucking loud.
i feel everything at once, it's killing me, I'm losing my mind.
tell me, how do i escape? when my worst demons are on the inside.
I'm buried alive.
it's an endless battle between my life and my mind,
and it's time for me to admit that I'm losing this fight.
I'm watching my personality slowly die.
I'm giving into it, I'm going to anxiety's side.
i just want it to stop.
but it won't stop, it never stops.
it controls you, eats you up,
makes you believe, that it's all your fault.
You know you start to create this self image that is so perfect, flawless and happy cos you think that's right. Wrong.
see you can't fill a void with lies, you can't solve pain with short highs so you resort to late night cries and you wonder why?
for the longest time i would blame my environment, the media, my peers.
and it took me years, to see that it's not you, it's me.
if i want to change how i feel i have to start from within.
look into my soul, what's beneath the skin.
i raise a trembling hand in class
no soud comes out but i attempt to ask
dear random teacher can i please go to the nurse?
no I'm not done with my reading
no I'm not bleeding
but my hands have energy bullets that shoot through the tips
and I can't stop my worries talk with too fast moving lips
and I've clenched my hand 63-64 times now it's starting to hurt
so please random teacher can i please go to the nurse?
no she will not help at all
how could she help someone when their problem is a brain with crumbling walls
a heavy sigh and a heavier groan
her sour lips will ask if I'd like to go home
and i will say no but make a personal note to remind myself that that it's my fault I'm like this and i must tough through this day on my own
and then, one morning i wake up by thinking hey this could be a good day, but then my shadow comes around and puts on a filter of gray shades, invisible tears dropping on my jeans while i sit in school and stare on screens, in a class of 24 teens am the only one not having the strength to study molecular motion, I barely remember my own devotion, and i walk home and go to sleep, just to repeat and repeat and repeat...
I've learned that the world doesn't pause so you can get better
you just have to chill out and get it together
another day i raise a trembling hand in class
no sound comes out but i attempt to ask
dear random teacher if everyone in the world had anxiety
how long do you think we'd last
because I'm sure having a hard time.
and I'll probably spend awhile worrying if this makes a proper last line.
(C)
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Hey guys!!!!
Sorry for not uploading imagines... I'm just going through a lot right now but expect some in the near future lol... Anyways ilysm and thanks for everything... Vote and Comment. Mkay bye
~Ella:'D
