Playing With Fire (EDITING)

Pain. And More Pain.

Xavier's stream of consciousness spread like the tentacles of an octopus and tore through my memories. My only hope was that Loki's pride would cloud his judgement. If he meant me harm, if he was afraid of me, if he was at all thinking solely on strategy, he would kill me and be done with it. If he meant to make me suffer, if he meant to gloat, he would let me live. He would risk the time if he was satisfied I was in pain. It wasn't difficult to pretend, and it quickly became unnecessary to fake being in pain. Controlled by Loki, Xavier explored my mind and began to punch holes in the mortar holding my memories together. The first memory to break loose was the most recent.

I had acted so impulsively. What was I thinking? I had put myself and Kurt in danger by displaying such emotion. Kurt. Kurt's startled expression, his stumble as he began to run for help, his voice threatening what might happen if I died before he came back. Hadn't he needed the motivation? Something to reenergize? Something to fight for? 

Something to fight for. What was I fighting for? Xavier wanted to know. He was peeling apart my motives, my passions, my drives, my fears, my loves- anything that might show Loki how to defeat me. No, not just me. He wanted so much more than to just defeat me. He wanted submission. He wanted worship. Respect. A throne. He wanted earth and everyone on it. And how best to win the obeisance of seven billion people? By destroying their mightiest heroes.

As one of the tentacles threatened to tear through my memories of the circus in Vermont, I lunged toward it. The contact was like being shocked by an electric fence except blue and cold. And hostile. I realized that even though this was Xavier's consciousness, it was still Loki in control. Blue, cold, hostile, shocking- these were Loki's basest sensations. And they were overwhelming.

While I was distracted, he dredged up an old, haunting memory. 

I was sitting on a cliff, waves crashing below me, each impact of wave on rock soaking my sneakers with salty spray. The sky was pewter grey with clouds of lead snaking toward the horizon. The ocean was as dark and menacing as the clouds, but much more terrifying because it was alive. Each wave licked higher up the cliffs than the wave before. Soon, the ocean would overcome the land. The storm would reach my sneakers and I would be swallowed into the primeval depths. Why was I there? Why wasn't I getting up? Running away? 

This wasn't right. I should have been leaving. Loki was altering my memories as he forced me to watch. He was psyching me out of my own head. How could I just watch this? I'm not his pawn. 

Gritting my teeth, I forced away the image of the ocean. I lashed at the stream of his thought until it splintered and disintegrated. Just as soon as I felt relieved, he swamped me in another memory. 

Hissing. Darkness. Something to my left glinting in the dim light. A sound like bales of dry pinecones being dragged across slate made me shiver. A flame to my right sprang to life and cast a sanguinary hue over the scene. I was in a circus tent. I knew when and where this had occurred. But Loki was altering this memory too. Instead of being in a tent with two snakes, there were hundreds. Hundreds of snakes writhed along the floor, their scales scraping along the stones. Many were hanging from the tent poles. That shouldn't be possible. Snakes couldn't climb the sides of the tent. Poison dripped from their fangs and their eyes fixed on me. But these were Northern water snakes, a nonpoisonous species. Loki couldn't scare me that easily. 

When I banished the image, I felt Loki's frustration increase. He hadn't planned on the fight being this difficult, I realized. He thought he could just invade my mind, take over, and do whatever he wanted? Then he was going to be very surprised. 

I focused on defending what he hadn't yet broken into. Barriers, distractions, detours- anything to keep him away from what was important to me. Anything to stop him from hurting my family and friends. He could humiliate me all he wanted, but if he dared-