spiral | ᴵᴶᴮ × ᵂᴶˢ

009

Time flew by too fast. After a few weeks nothing really changed. Neither for the better nor for the worse. Mark refused to tell Jinyoung that he loved him, Jinyoung on the other hand was still in love with their leader. Jackson couldn't sleep almost every night, what caused him a load of fights. Jaebum still tried to get everything right, making the right decisions and stuff, but everything seemed to get worse at some point.

It took them almost a year to get back to their original friendships. After all this time everyone was tired from their own feelings, they cut them down in order to have a normal life with the members, as a group of friends, a family. Jackson was able to laugh with Jaebum again and they were often doing shit together. Mark got more quiet than ever before, but that was okay. After all he could stay in the same room with Jinyoung now. All in one: their lives were good now, peaceful.

But that should change soon enough. Destiny just wanted them to feel pain deep inside their hearts and souls.

It all begun when Mark had collapsed on the bathroom floor. They had just gotten back from a very hard day. Mark had wanted to go to take a shower first when it happened. Jackson who had wanted to go to bed and really needed to shower before that, had found him on the floor. They had called the ambulance and the paramedics had taken Mark to the hospital. Mark hadn't woken up. After what had happened, nobody was the same. Being without Mark felt wrong to every member, especially to Jackson, who was Mark's best friend after all. After a really ugly fight with Jackson, Jinyoung locked himself in his room every free minute they had. Jackson kind of blamed Jinyoung during their fight for Mark's condition. Jackson maybe didn't even notice, but he basically told Jinyoung that Mark loved him. Jinyoung felt so bad, he couldn't look at the others in the eyes, he was afraid the other members would blame him just like Jackson had.

Jackson changed completely. He got from the always happy, good-mood-making joker to a cold guy, who didn't really care about anything anymore. In their free time he was always working out. While practice he was able to concentrate on nothing else but exhausting his body, so he would be able to sleep. Yes, as you may guess, Jackson wasn't able to sleep at all anymore, unless he tired himself out until he reached his limits. or just swallowed some sleeping pills. Maybe a few too much each time.

Jaebum eventually got even colder. He was watching the members, but that was it basically. He didn't even talk to them anymore, because every time he tried it would just end up in a fight. Especially with Jackson. To people around them it must have looked like they hated each other. Deep down they may were still in love, but all they could show each other was hate.

It was one rainy day after two months. JYP told the boys that they were going on hiatus since Mark's body refused to wake up.

As Jinyoung listened to their boss, he started breathing very heavily. 'It's my fault. I'm the one to blame. What did I do to everyone?' He thought to himself. He ran out of the office building, straight to the dorm. He was all wet but he didn't care, he didn't feel anything anymore. He locked himself in his room like he always did. He laid down on his bed, staring at the wall, thinking about Mark. It didn't take him long to start crying. 'It's my fault. It's my fault.' He started to think over and over again.

The other members were one their way to the dorm a little later. As Jackson tried to go in another direction Jaebum pushed him back, gripping his shoulders.
"Watch where you're going, dumbass." Jaebum told Jackson, who was already shaking off Jaebum's hands.
"Keep your fucking hands off of me! I know where I'm going!"
"Then why did you head in that direction?"
"Because I wanted to see Mark! Not that you care about him!" Jackson almost shouted the words at Jaebum. Jaebum didn't answer and just went back to the dorm with the others. Jackson watched them as they slowly disappeared. 'What the-? Why you gotta be like this? Stupid Jaebum.' Jackson thought. He wanted to cry, but he wouldn't let the tears fall. He decided to not cry because of Jaebum a long time ago and he won't start again now. He felt pain flashing through his heart, but then he remembered. What heart? His heart shattered into tiny little pieces a long, long time ago.

Jaebum left the dorm about 10 minutes after they arrived again. He needed to get outside, away from the other members, who were looking at him so judging. He knew he was something like the worst leader ever. Instead of thinking about them and taking them back in line, he just kind of run away. He did the same right now. He didn't know how to help anyone anymore, it was horrible. He wanted to be there for them, so why did he run?

ㅡ

Jaebum had been at the little Park for many hours. It was already pretty dark when he decided to go to the hospital. When he arrived there, he was lucky that the nurses would still let him see Mark. After all the time for visitors was almost over.

When he opened the door, he thought nobody was there, but as soon as he was inside he could hear somebody talking. That somebody was Jackson. Jaebum was amazed that he would stay with Mark until he would be forced to go home. Jaebum went to the bed, where their oldest member lay on. He noticed Jackson watching him with angry eyes, but he didn't care. He was here for Mark, not for Jackson. He had lost Jackson a long time ago, he started to live with the knowledge of Jackson hating him. He sat down in a chair at the other side of the bed.
"Why the hell are you here? What do you want?" Jackson asked Jaebum with an angry voice. Jaebum didn't answer, like he always did since Mark was here. "Fucking'answer me Jaebum!" Still no answer from Jaebum. Jackson got angry at his leader again. "You fuckin' bastard. Go care about yourself like you always do and leave us alone." Jackson stated behind gritted teeth. Jaebum finally looked at Jackson. Jackson wasn't able to breath for a moment. It had been so long that Jaebum had really looked at him. He remembered Jaebum's dark eyes, which were full of power and respect, caring ones that he loved looking into. He noticed that they were full of pain now. Jaebum suffered like everyone else. Maybe even more. There was no power left. You could see the mess of his mind trough his eyes.
"It's not about you. It's about Mark. I want him to come back." Jaebum finally said. Jackson stared at his leader, his voice sounded so different. Jackson regretted saying mean things to Jaebum, but at the same time it made Jackson just even more angry.

Jackson went over to Jaebum, he grabbed his shirt by the neck and pulled him up. Jackson was surprised by his own strength, but now wasn't the time to think about that. He pressed Jaebum against the wall and looked at him angrily. Jaebum on the other hand just did nothing, he said nothing, he didn't even change his expression. It made Jackson furious.
"You little fuck." Jackson started. "Why you gotta be like this? You're our fucking leader. You should be the one taking care of everyone. It's your fault Mark's there." He pointed at Mark. "How could I've been so stupid to blame Jinyoung? After all he was the one taking care of everyone. Why didn't you talk to him at least? Isn't he your best friend after all? How could you let all of this happen?" Jackson shouted at Jaebum, he wasn't far away from his face.
"I'm sorry. I know it's my fault." Jaebum suddenly answered, taking Jackson off of his complain-ride. Jackson looked at him worried for a few seconds, then his face turned angry again.
"Then why don't you change things?"
"Because I can't."
"There's a fuking reason that you're our fucking leader! Just do your job."
"I know. I just can't."
"What kind of an excuse it that?" Jaebum didn't answer anymore. Instead he cupped Jackson's right cheek with his right hand.
"I'm sorry, Jackson. For everything I caused to you. For everything I caused to the members, but I just can't do anything anymore. All I can do is run and hope it will get better when I'm not there." Jaebum said, his voice merely able to be heard. Jackson looked at Jaebum in disbelief. His leader was broken inside, he got that now. But he was broken too.
"But it won't get better without you." Jackson said, fighting with his tears again. 'Stupid Jaebum!'
Jaebum wasn't sure if Jackson was talking about everything or just the about the story between the both of them. When a tear run down Jackson's right cheek, Jaebum wiped it away with his thumb. Jackson stared at Jaebum again. They still loved each other, the realization hurt Jackson even more than the emptiness inside his heart. He laid his head on Jaebum's chest, crying. Jaebum couldn't hold back his own tears, he slung his arms around Jackson, pressing him against his chest. He needed Jackson and Jackson needed him.

"Guys, why the hell are you so loud?"