Thoughts

Suicide Pills

I sat in the pew, front and centre
Hearing the sobs from around the room
As the priest says another thing about my little brother
God why can't this be over soon?
I remember the day I came home from school
Went up to my room and went on my phone
Heard mum call "Ryan come and get your tea"
Me walking into his room
My ten year old brother face down on his bed
Cold to the touch, I cried as mum said
"What's wrong with Ryan?"
"Mum something's wrong!"
"What is it Jae?"
"He.. He's gone"
I sobbed for weeks, my heart ached everyday
But never did the words I was about to say
Leave from my mouth, escape from me
Until it was time, for me to wish my thirteen year old brother good night
Except this time instead of turning out the light
I stood front and centre
A stack of cards in my hand
As the poor, pale child
Laid down beside the stand
His face calm, rid of sadness for all
My eyes tearing up as I go to address them all
"He was my little brother, only a child, he broke my promise and I wish I had tried harder.
I remember the day he was crying to mum, some kid on a game not only called him dumb,
They told him to take these suicide pills, that no one loved him anymore
Oh how I wish he could hear that it wasn't true at all.
He was only a child then, only ten years old, a cheerful child, loud and bold.
I may have argued with him, but I loved him so much, and now all I have left of him
Is a teddy bear, his favourite one, and a handwritten note
He gave me his uni fund, as well as money he'd saved, to help me make a difference in future days.
Bless his heart, it wasn't loads, but it's the thought that counts and now he's gone
I stayed up for nights, dreading this day
Not really knowing quite what to say
People shook me off, laughed at it too
But this situation kills me, and it killed him too.
I remember when I was like him, sad, scared, suicidal
But I tried to shield him off
So I wouldn't have to stare
At his coffin, his grave or his headstone
Which we spent his money on
Because he was only thirteen years old
And now he's gone.
I cried for nights and nights when I was his age
I didn't dream he'd do the same.
But now he's gone, I don't think I'll ever be sane."
I walked down from the stand, the cards still in my hand
As I mourned over my brother
A child no less
For killing himself after being so depressed
He was only a child, destined for great things, but now he's in heaven with my sister and he can now spread his wings

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This is based on a dream I had last night, after I consoled my brother (who's 10) after he was told to take suicide pills by some kid online he'll never meet. None of my friends (all bar 2 called Sarah and Callie who I love with all my heart) cared about the situation but if the tables were turned I'd have cared a hell of a lot. What annoys me the most is a girl who was my best friend (if she ever reads this I really don't care) didn't even ask if my brother or I were alright, instead she said nothing, and that really annoys me but anyway, if you reading this do feel triggered I'm really sorry but if you feel this way please do get help because you deserve to be alive xx ❤️ Jae