Dragged to my knees

Chapter 22

If I wasn't here tomorrow

Would anybody care

If my time was up I wanna know

You were happy I was there

If I wasn't here tomorrow

Would anyone lose sleep

If I wasn't hard and hollow

Then maybe you would miss me

- Would it matter by Skillet

~~~~

It's Friday after school and mum and I are at a funeral home making plans for aunt's burial.

It won't be a big affair, she says; just a few close relatives and friends. Aunt would have wanted just that.

I still can't believe it's been a week since she died. With each day that passes, it's getting harder and harder to remember what she was like. It makes me feel guilty, you know, like the least I can do is hold on all the beautiful memories she left behind but I can't even do that.

After our little adventure at the pub, Alex and I have gotten closer. During the course of the week, he made school easier for me to bear. We had ditched again on Wednesday, this time to go see a movie but after that, we'd both decided it would be too risky. Talking with him about everything is also getting a little bit easier. He seems to know all the right things to say to me.

Then there's Kenny. He's been over a few times and I can stand him now but I'm still not ready to let him in completely. I don't want him going all Lucifer on me again.

"Earth to Ricky." Mum says, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"What?"

"It's time to go home."

"Coming mum." I reply.

Home. It sure doesn't feel like much without aunt veronica there to play pranks and complain all day.

"Got any plans?" she asks, making the bend onto our street.

"I don't."

"Oh, okay." She says. "How you holding up today?"

"I'm okay." I reply. Mum's been asking every now and then. I've never seen someone bear loss as good as she does.

The first few days were terrible but she picked herself up and now, she's doing a great job of moving on. There are moments when she seems like she can't take it anymore but she's so strong. It irks me that she's like that. I mean, I'm the male but I can't seem to have it all together. Almost everything reminds me of my loss and I slip back into despair.

"Ricky." Mum says again. "You sure you're alright?"

"Yeah, I'm good." I reply. Better try not to space out again

"I miss her too, you know," she says after a little while. "But we have got be strong. We still have each other," she squeezes my hand.

"Thanks mum." I reply squeezing back.

"Now, get out of my car." She laughs, getting out herself. I didn't even notice we'd stopped moving.

When mum announces that she's going to take a nap, I decide to do the same but as I head upstairs; my legs seem to be moving of their own accord.

I walk into the empty room, leaving the lights off and wander around aimlessly for a bit. I run my hands over the soft velvety curtains and over her beautiful dark wood desk. I know how this room feels. It's empty, just like me; Empty, dark and helpless.