Safe

The Less The Better

{possible trigger}

Measure
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Set Goal
Cry
Throw Up
Weigh
Record 

It's easier to look nice when your thighs don't touch. It's easier to be effortlessly happy when you can see your collarbones. It's easier to smile when you have defined cheekbones. It's easier to buy clothes when everything fits you. It's easier to have a significant other when you can be literally swept off your feet. 

I'm not like that, though. I'm fat and ugly. My arms shake and my knees are fat. I'm too short and my hands look fat. People say how skinny I am, I think they say it because they feel bad about how much weight I actually have. I wish I was skinnier, prettier, happier. It would make life so much easier. 

I look at other girls who are skinnier than me and ask them how they get there. I don't eat and when I do, I throw it up. I do everything I'm supposed to, and yet I'm still over 100 pounds. 103 to be exact. I try so hard. My mom was so beautiful, I wish she could tell me how to look like her.

Ruby found out. She never made comments on my weight after that. She used to tell me I was so beautifully skinny and how I should maybe eat some more. She never complemented my weight after she found my notebook. 

I wish I could find release. I know this isn't how you should think about yourself.I have days where I swear it off. I always come back. I always go back to it. It makes the most sense. 

I think the less my family and friends know, the better. I will be beautiful and happy one day. If they know, they'll just try to stop me. I need space and time. I will make it work one day. It will happen. I will wake up one morning next to the love of my life, I will be beautiful and skinny, and most off all, I will be happy.