lost in paradise

Stream of Consciousness

This was it. The last day as a free woman. I wasn't really free since I did have a fiancé and before that a boyfriend and I wasn't becoming unfree. He's becoming my husband, not my chains. I can still have friends, have a life. I paced in my wedding dress, breathing heavily. In through the nose, out through the mouth. Repeat. What if he wasn't the one? What if I'm making a mistake? What if he's making a mistake? What if my parents were right? What if my parents were wrong? I said yes without hesitation. But what if that was because I did want to embarrass him? God. I sat on the floor and started to cry. This decision is one that will affect the rest of my life and I can't make it! I slammed my fists against the wall and sunk farther to the ground. My body collapsed. I because to weep, tears caused my make up to drip down my face and onto my dress. Another thing I’ve ruined. I couldn’t believe it. I thought this was supposed to be the happiest day of my life and I’m crying. Crying in my wedding dress. I can’t do it! I love him, I do, but I can’t. I can’t make this commitment knowing that I’m going to do something to jeopardize our marriage and cause a divorce. I am not getting a divorce so I am not getting married. It is that easy. No marriage. No future. Just here and now. I got up off the floor, wiped my eyes and walked out of the church. Today is my day and only my day.