Faded (A Harry Styles Fanfiction)

Chapter Eleven

"Please Finley," Harry practically begged. "Just talk to me."

I cleared my throat then looked at him. "I used to be 'friends' with her, and by 'friends' I mean we had mutual friends so I kinda saw her a lot. I can assume they all talked bad about me when I wasn't there. It wasn't like I begged to be their friend like she made it out to be, it was more like I didn't have any friends until I met them so it was nice to be able to talk to my first friend Gracie in my freshman year Biology class. She invited me to her birthday party that year and that's how I met the rest of her friends and after that she invited me out with them quite a bit I guess," I tried to talk as nonchalant as I could so I would seem like I didn't care. But I sure fucking cared.

"When did it get bad?" He asked still paying attention to me.

"End of senior year. You'd think they would act more mature for being seniors but yeah," I said letting out a long sigh. I was still shaking from my earlier confrontation but I knew I needed to just get over it.

"What did they do?"

"Well basically they just really love drama and one of them tried to pick a fight with me at school and let's just say, I got suspended," I said, reminiscing about how she slapped me and I just decked her in the face until two teachers pulled us apart.

They loved to use my secrets against me, whether it be to embarrass me or tell me how worthless I was. Luckily, Grace was on my side, if you could even say there was one considering it was all pointless. I had thought they were great friends, that's why I wasn't reluctant to share my feelings and secrets with them. I didn't even realize they apparently half of them didn't like me once senior year started. There were only about ten of us in the group, but two of them had started a fight with me and another two of them just started rumors about me and told everyone my secrets.

"Have you really never had a boyfriend?" He asked with a confused look.

"Not really, I've had one person close to that when I was in a bad place but other than that, just hookups," I said ashamed. Never having a boyfriend kind of made me feel shitty. I was almost 20 years old and I couldn't get a boy to stick around for longer than one night. That was, until I met Harry.

"What was your bad place?" He asked quietly. I had already told him so much about myself today and it made me feel insecure. He already knew enough about me to ruin my life here, but I didn't really care. I just felt, safe around him? It's confusing and comforting. I wanted to snuggle him up and kiss him and tell him everything but at the same time, I wanted to punch him and make him leave me alone. I liked the idea of the first one better.

"Are you sure you really want to hear about this?" I asked, looking deep into his green eyes. He gave me a faint smile and nodded.

I told him about in 7th grade the boys at the party got me drunk and one of them I really liked a lot so I agreed. I told him how they continued to every weekend until 8th grade almost started, and the one I had a crush on, told me he liked me during the summer. I told him how I believed him and the weekend before school started, he got me drunk again and convinced me to blow him. 8th grade me who was so desperate for a boy's attention was already soiled. I told him that he told the whole school we had sex and I blew him. I didn't tell him how I began to intentionally burn myself and I used to continue to go to the parties just to feel something other than hatred towards my self. I did tell him that I began to throw up after every meal, at first it was because I just couldn't keep the food down because I was just so sick from the stress and anxiety, but then I started doing it routinely. I did tell him that after the rumors started spreading, that's when I began to start doing drugs and smoking. I told him that I began to become something that whenever I looked in the mirror, I didn't know who it was. I told him I began to act out in school and my grades slipped. I told him that I didn't start getting better until I met Grace. She must not have believed the rumors because she was really nice to me, always has been. She found out one day that I threw up my food and we cried together. I told him that Grace made me a better person, I took a kickboxing class and stopped going to the parties. I promised her I wouldn't throw up again. By Junior Year, I had A's and B's again. I wasn't in all the honors classes like Grace, but she took me to volunteer with her a lot so that helped with college applications.