Gilbert the Messiah : The Goldfish Testament

Chapter 1: The Birth of the Messiah

     It was February 13, 1969. Jesus was chilling in heaven watching Netflix on his flat-screen TV. He was binge watching his favorite series "Orange is the New Black" for the twelfth time. He was waiting for the new season which was dropping soon, and he thought it was a good idea to re-watch is. God then burst into his room. He was screaming and claimed Jesus was not visiting Earth often enough, and if he wanted the religion to spread, he needed to visit and spread the word of God. Jesus, however, did not feel in the mood to spread the word of God right now, he was almost done with the series. God did not care what Jesus did and did not want to do. Jesus was annoyed and decided that since he did have all eternity to watch Netflix, that he might as well gain some follower. So Jesus did the only thing he could do. Impregnate a virgin and tell them it's the Messiah. He walked to the edge of his cloud and inserted a child in a random virgin, Mike Meyers. To Jesus' defense, from the cloud he was sitting on, Mike looked like a female. He also did not put his contacts in today. When you add the two together, you get a pregnant Mike Meyers. Jesus realized that he now needed to inform this virgin that they had the Messiah inside of them Jesus then sent a holographic projection of himself to Mike Meyers.

"Mike Meyers, " Jesus said in his deep, booming, and masculine voice. "You have been chosen. I have impregnated you, and now you will give birth to the new Messiah. He will spread the word of Christ and start a new religion. Many will believe you to be a hoax. Many will abuse you. You will endure this. The Messiah must be born. Do whatever you can to protect him. I will be there for you to help."

Mike's words in response were truly inspiring.

"Could uh, you repeat that?"

"Mike Meyers, " Jesus said in his deep, booming, and masculine voice. "You have been chosen. I have impregnated you, and now you will give birth to the new Messiah. He will spread the word of Christ and start a new religion. Many will believe you to be a hoax. Many will abuse you. You will endure this. The Messiah must be born. Do whatever you can to protect him. I will be there for you to help."

Mike Meyers stood in awe. He had no idea how this could have happened. After all of his crappy films, and bad ethics, he was the one who was chosen to give birth to the new Messiah. What was he supposed to do and or say? Did he need to tell everyone, or keep it secret? How was he supposed to tell his family? What about his acting career he could not go on if he was pregnant. He thought to himself for a good thirty minutes. After this time, Mike Meyers thought it would be best if he kept it a secret from everyone.

After nine months, Mike was ready to birth the Messiah. The date was October 13, 1969. Mike Meyers realized that this meant he needed to go to a hospital, however, he did not want to go through the conversation where he explains to a doctor he is giving birth to a child. Not just any child, the next Messiah. This thought made him decide to just go to an abandoned barn. he called up Jesus and asked him to drive him to an abandoned barn. Jesus arrived as fast as he could and took the wheel. Jesus drove around until he found an abandoned barn. Before Jesus picked up Mike, he called some priests, angels, some wise men, God, and a doctor that specialized in pregnant men without going through the paperwork.

The birthing process was somewhat different than a regular birth. This is due to Mike's anatomy. For he had no ovary system. Instead of coming out of his genitals, the Messiah was going to come out of Mike Meyer's rectum, like a 9-pound dump. It was a long and grueling process, but eventually, the Messiah was born. After the birthing, an angel fell down from the sky and booped the newborn child on his nose. This meant the child was baptized. Mike Meyers and Jesus cradled the boy. After about five minutes of cradling, the five wise men moved over to the child and bestowed their gifts. The first gift was the new iPhone model, the second was a pink cow, the third was a pile of gold, the fourth was a giant banana made of more bananas, and the 5th was the gift of air. After the gift-giving, there was a long party celebrating the birth of the Messiah. Jesus and Mike Meyers stood by the baby carriage and looked at each other. This was their son. Mike Meyers said that since this was a religious icon, Jesus should give the name to the Messiah. Jesus moved closer to the child and looked at him.