Unlocking and leaving your window wide open just before you go to sleep hoping that someone will break in and end it all. The pain. The suffering. That empty feeling. The darkness. How alone you always feel even surrounded by people. The crying yourself to sleep every night. The praying you won't wake up cause it hurts too much to face another day. The hunger from never eating trying to be 'perfect' even though you'll never be. The making scars into your skin trying to feel release. The guilt the scars carry. The depression that follows you around. Never being able to have a happy moment because in the back of your mind all that you can think about is your problems. Wanting it to end. Not just end but have it taken away. Wanting to have your heart stop beating and breathing slow to nothing. The questions. When will it end? How much more do I have to go through? Wanting to have your feelings shut down. Thinking how much rather you'd live like a zombie then live like this. This never ending pain but that's the thing there's a reason they say 'Never ending'. 'It' never stops or goes away it sure as hell doesn't fade. So, what does 'it' do you may ask? 'It' grows. Stronger and stronger never once letting up. 'It' goes on till it weakens you and makes you so Miserable that you forget everything else. Nothing matters but 'It'. Feeding off you till you decide you can't live with 'It' anymore. Not matter what I will have 'It' in my mind no matter what I do or where I'm at 'It' never leaves 'It' is slowly consuming me till I become like it's last victim. Bleeding out throat and wrist silt open to many pain killer to count my lifeless eyes. And at my last moment wondering if any one will care. 'It' comes up and says NO No ones gonna care or miss me. I've already tried. After I thought 'It' was leaving I was so very wrong it hit harder so hard I can't contain the pain And the anger I feel. And it wants my life. I can feel with every ounce of my being that 'It' wants me dead. I know 'It' won't stop it never does so why? Why not give in? I don't know.... I guess I trick myself into believing that when I'm gone someone out there will hurt for me. I wish all my emotions would shut off. Why couldn't they all turn off when 'Happy' and 'Love' left. It was so long ago I can't remember the last time I've been truly happy or even had a real smile.... Worst of all I can't Remember the last time or if there was a time when I was truly loved. I guess that's where not believing in love comes in. But it's alright I know I won't make it through eventually I'll give in. 'It' is just waiting. Waiting for that weak and vulnerable moment where I get to tired to fight for my life. I can feel that moment coming it happened once it'll happen again and again till 'It' gets what it wants. Sure there's medication for it but why take something that only suppresses 'It' eventually even meds won't be enough to hold it back.... And now it's my turn to wait. Waiting on that moment for it all to end.
