You know I don't believe in Love but I've felt something that people like to call love I've felt about three times in my life and i regretted each one. I hate it that feeling you all so stupidly rely on the thing you call 'Love' it's quite dumb of you to put your faith and trust in someone like that..
Although I don't know how much better I am for falling for it as many times as I did I thought if learn the first time, but in the end I didn't learn how to stop it just how to be the only one to 'break' my own heart.
The first time was the WORST experience I'd ever had with someone I still felt strongly towards this person even though they cheated on me over 10times each time with different girls... Not only that but if I said or did something wrong they'd threaten my life, and they mentally abused me, and break up with me and then days later they would come back saying how sorry they were how bad they felt and that they 'Loved' me and this and that about being sorry of course I ALWAYS forgave them and then it would happen again like clock work and it was terrible how it was part of my daily routine to wake up go to school come home and them to message me about either how much I should go kill myself or how much they were sorry..
So eventually I did some stuff to get myself isolated from any online or messaging contact and I felt lighter but the second I got back the same thing started again and knowing that I hated how it had felt I just completely shut myself down from my feelings and after a while they stopped because they realized i was less emotional towards them and I was to 'heartless' as they said for them
After that I thought I was never gonna feel the same for anyone I also figured if I kept shut down then everyone would assume that I was just being cruel and they'd hate me or be scared of who I was inside and they'd leave me alone.... I was wrong the sweetest kindest person you can imagine that's who he was and he made me feel not so numb... And I was so happy but then I got to thinking while I was alone in the quite that when we weren't talking I felt empty and I just got it in my mind that he was going to leave me and hurt me so bad it would be worse than last time because he actually made me feel cared about so I did the only thing that I could think of to make sure he didn't.... I told him terrible things about how much I never wanted to see or talk to him again and that I hated him and he needed to leave me alone....
I was back to the same numbness and I had sat there and broke my heart because I didn't want anyone else to do it. I thought maybe it would hurt less it didn't if anything it was worse because this time there was the guilt knowing I hurt someone who had never shown any sign that he was ever gonna hurt me but I still did what I did and I regret losing him unlike with the first one where I regretted ever being with him I regretted losing him and knowing that I would never again be the same.
I promised myself I wouldn't get close to anyone and if they some how did then I would do everything not to replay what happened with the second one but then comes along the third and it's a replay I will spare you those details of misery and just continue on with the point of this story which is.... God I don't even know but maybe it's something along the lines of 'it's easy to screw stuff up but it really hurts the same' I really couldn't say all I know is that after three times I've learned that even though 'I won't let you break my heart, but I'll do it' used to be something I lived by in relationships
It's not that anymore it is now:
Don't come any closer I'll hurt you and myself.... </3
Lesson here is I don't know I think the lesson could be a lot of things but I think the most accurate is just because you get hurt a few times don't end up with my mind set that is forever imprinted in my mind so that I can't stop the stupid actions I do to break others hearts other wise you'll also get the mind set of this world would be better with me dead and it is true that I have nothing to provide in the world besides another teen suicide and/or depressed cutter and I'm sorry for that I'm sorry for everything but I won't ever admit to the people I am sorry to that I'm sorry....
I know this is kinda a random rant but I've thinking a lot about the past and why everyone wants to know mine I want nothing more than to never deal with it again but obviously that's not happening.
So this is goodbye I don't know if I will write again we'll see.
