Do you ever get that feeling that your all alone in the world? The more people that are around you only makes you feel more lonley? I get that all the time. Do you know how it feel knowing that you will never be content with yourself or with anything? I do. Do you get that feeling when no ones there that no one cares? I do. If you know this feeling, do you ever think is it real or just all in your head? I do All the time. Has anyone purposely done something you don't like knowing you don't like it just to shove it in your face? Everyday. Is it someone who's not important or someone who's supposed to care and love you no matter what such as family or friends? All of the above.
I know they don't care. No one does. Why? Because if I can't even love myself I doubt anyone else would even care about me. Why would anyone want that one person who doesn't believe in love? They don't. And if by a chance they do you push them as far away as possible. I know you want to protect them and yourself from the pain, you want to make sure that if you were to disappear forever they wouldn't care. That they'd be able to go on not even shedding a tear at the words 'suicide'. They wouldn't scream or go into a fit of anger or depression. No you want the world to remember you and feel your pain but you don't want that one person who tried to help you to feel that pain. So sitting there in crowd of people, feeling all this pain and loneliness 100x what it is sitting alone in your room. You may be asking why it hurts more around others, the answer is, it's because your so close to people physically but your millions and millions of miles away at heart.
Have you ever heard that song- So Alone by Anna blue
Well if not here are a couple lyrics and the link to the song:
http://youtu.be/JluohQmEnHY
(Wake me with your kiss)
Who will care if I'm not here?
If suddenly I disappeared?
No one's gonna notice it at all
Dying flowers in my hand
I'm vanishing from where I stand
It isn't yet too late to get the cure
In it it talk about her being lonely and how this person caused it and who would miss her if she's gone. Every lonely or suicidal person wonders how many people would care what happened to you. Honestly I've thought about it a lot and my answer is, No One. Not a single person on this planet would care if I dropped dead where i lay. I'm sure they would pretend to care and put on a show for the everyone else but no one would truly care.
As much as it saddens me to say that I know it's my fault I push everyone away when they try to get close and only keep those around who don't care so that no one will miss me. I don't let anyone get to know me not that anyone wants to know me. I never get attached to people I can let you go easily I only ever had a hard time letting go of one person but I had to they were getting so close I actually started to have feelings for them and it was amazing till I got that feeling. That feeling deep in your stomach. The one your mind brings on in paranoia that they will betray you. They've gotten so close they can hurt you just by saying a couple of words and it's the worst feeling knowing it's now gonna hurt you as well to let them go but if you don't that gives them the option to hurt you as well. So what do you chose pain that will lead to less heart break or the one where you could possibly be betrayed?
At the time I chose to let go. I regret it everyday because i miss that person so much it would kill me inside if I wasn't already dead. I wish I had taken the chance of them breaking my heart then never knowing weather or not they would have. And now I've lost the only person who ever made me feel cared about....
