thoughts ; meanie

12 ; restrained

restrained

-mingyu

"I heard what happened," I started as Chan and I sat on the swings, "How are you holding up?"

He sniffles and looks at me with blood all around his mouth and nose, one of his eyes swollen shut, and tears streaming down from the other one. "How does it look like?"

I sigh and say, "I know what you're going through. You don't know this but the same thing happened to me. It's actually how I met Wonwoo."

He looks at me in disbelief and I only nod my head at him.

"You know, he hit me so hard. I don't understand what I did to make him hate me so much that he wanted to kill me. I'm his son. Shouldn't he love me for me?" Chan starts to get choked up from all the tears and I hold his hand to help him continue through the traumatizing story.

"He said that he wished I was never born. Why? Why would he say that to me? Just yesterday he was saying how proud he was of me that I worked so hard at my job. But now, he said that he wanted to kill me himself. He said that I was the most disgusting thing he had ever laid eyes on. I'm nothing now. Absolutely worthless and take up space that could be used for someone who is actually important. Is this what you become from being gay?" His eyes hold so much pain as he squeezes my hand.

It's absolutely horrendous to hear what Chan's father did to him. It made him feel as if he isn't good enough to be a human since he is gay. Telling someone that you want them dead, especially your own child, is traumatizing to them. I can't even describe how disgusted I am with his father or how horrible Chan must feel. After what happened to me, I was never the same. Wonwoo wouldn't know since he only knows the me my father made the day he disowned me. But I used to be sorta happy. I could laugh freely and smile whenever I wanted to, but now it takes so much to do those simple actions. I thought about killing myself multiple times after the incident but Wonwoo was always there. He protected me from myself and I owe my life to him for it. So I can't even imagine what Chan is thinking right now. How gross and wretched he must feel with himself. I wish I could have saved him from having to go through that.

"I don't have a home now. Seungchoul and Jeonghan both invited me to stay at their places but they both have roommates that live with them and I don't want to be a bother. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I don't even want to breathe, Mingyu. I'm scared to feel this way. I don't want to feel like this." He starts to panic, the thought of feeling like this forever starting to set in his brain driving him to an anxiety attack.

"Chan listen to me, you have a home with Wonwoo and I. You are going to come home with us and we will clean you up. You might need to go to the hospital for the internal injuries you endured. But we will help you because we are your family now. All twelve of us. Now come on, I'm sure those tears are stinging your cuts." I help him off the swings and walk over to the group. They all look surprised and a bit confused so I just shrug at them.

"We are going to take Chan home, okay? Is that alright with you, Wonu?" I ask him, watching his features soften and a slight smile spread on his face.

"Of course it's alright. You are always welcome at our house, Chan. Always."

"Well I think we need to get him home now. He's beaten up pretty bad and his injuries need to be treated." I look at the group and they all stare at me with a sort of passion that I can't explain.

"You guys are acting weird. I don't know if it's because of the horrible event that happened an hour ago or the karaoke before that so I'm just gonna go and let y'all get back to normal." I say as Wonwoo chuckles and helps me with Chan. Our house is only a few blocks so it's not a far walk.

As we head down the empty streets, the sound of our breaths mingling together is the only thing that can be heard. Chan acts as if he wants to say something but he doesn't get the nerve to. So we just walk, not saying anything. We let the wind blow away our misery and keep moving forward, determined to keep fighting. That's what Wonwoo always tells me. That the wind and rain aren't bad things but fresh starts and new beginnings.

As we reach our apartment building, the memory of when I first saw this place flashes by. The warmth of Wonwoo's jacket and the leaves blowing everywhere. I remember walking into the dim hallway, all the way down to room 30A. The feeling of terror but safety running everywhere. I hope that Chan can learn to feel safe again here like I did.

"Come on, the first aid is in here." I go to our room as Wonwoo drags Chan into the small kitchen, plops him down on the same rickety chair I sat in when he cleaned me up. I rummage around and find my journal. I open it up and turn to a fresh new page and write:

june 17, 2016

don't let your past define who you are. you aren't who your parents want you to be. you are who you are. and always wear it with pride. because even if you feel like you are restrained by who people want you to be, you will always break free with your friends by your sides. Always.