Redemption

Chapter 7

She turned, nestling into a warm chest and sighing as strong arms tightened around her. Sleepily, she opened her eyes to find that Felix was still sleeping beside her. He hadn't done that in a long time, even when they were still sharing a room. It was nice to wake up with her husband's comforting arms around her and the lingering scent of his pinewood-scented musk surrounding her. In some ways, it made things seem normal and alright again even though they weren't.

She smiled wearily and shut her eyes, relishing the moment as sunlight washed over them, warming her back as it flooded in through the window behind her. She hadn't shut the shades the night before, and now she wished she had. Felix wasn't a hard sleeper, and he was particularly light sensitive when sleeping. The sunlight was sure to wake him soon.

As expected, a moment or two later he let out a sleepy grumble of protest, burying his face in her hair as he used to do when they were first married and waking up together. He always tried to get in just a few extra moments of sleep, and hiding his face in her neck or hair ensured that he got that. She let out a muffled sigh of contentment, but inside that contentment was some resignation as she realized that he would soon realize where he was. Then things would go back to the way they had been before he'd joined her for bed last night.

Her chest tightened, and she felt her stomach churn as she thought about the loneliness that awaited if he returned to his usual habits of late. She kept her eyes closed, but she felt the hot tears pressing at them as she fought for control. Her nose began to stuff up as she struggled to hold back her muffled whimpers.

Felix stirred, seeming suddenly aware that she was suffering. He rolled away, blinking sleepily in the sunshine and yawning as he got his bearings. His eyes focused on her then as she sat up. A single tear threaded its way down her cheek, and she turned her back to him, cheeks heating. Her arms wrapped around her torso as she waited for him to say or do something.

"Did you sleep well?" he asked, sleep deepening his voice to a gravelly base.

She swallowed hard, thinking about how she'd loved to hear him talk when he was waking up or going to bed. That tone used to be one of the things she'd adored about him. If she was honest, it still was. Yet, she didn't know how to respond to the feelings it evoked anymore because Felix didn't feel the same about her. "I... Yeah, I did. Better than I have in a while. Thank you," she murmured.

"You haven't been sleeping?" he asked.

She glanced over her shoulder at him, his surprised tone startling her. "N-no... Have you?"

He shrugged, and she recalled once again just how much she missed touching him and letting him hold her. She missed their talks and laughing with him. Nothing felt right when Felix was so distant. He had truly become the only thing she lived for, and without his love, she felt empty. Once again, she had to wonder why she bothered with life at all. If he abandoned her, what was the point?

"Katarina?"

"What?"

He was quiet for a moment, and she thought he had something to say, but it seemed as though he was holding back. Finally, he got off the bed and said, "Don't expect last night to become a habit."

"Felix," she said, her voice hoarse but steady.

He paused as he was about to walk out of the room. Turning, he looked at her teary eyes and quivering lower lip. He bit his lower lip, crossing his arms. He's trying not to comfort me, she realized. He feels uncomfortable with my display of emotion. Doesn't he realize that I need him? Doesn't he know that I cry myself to sleep at night because I don't want the man I love to turn a cold shoulder to me?

"What?" he finally asked.

"Please talk to me... Please..." She didn't care if she was begging anymore; all that mattered was that Felix stayed and spoke with her about the problems they were dealing with. "Please don't walk out," she whispered, her shoulders slumping from the rigid, straight position they'd been in before.

***

Felix had never seen his wife look so defeated. She looked shattered. And she should. Our baby is gone... Our baby girl didn't spend a single second living here on Earth. It's her fault... Something else poked and pricked at his soul besides the anger toward his wife. You're to blame too. Katarina didn't do all the wrong in this situation. At least she tried. You took your stress from work out on her, and she never once complained.

Narrowing his eyes, Felix snapped back at that still, small voice inside. Shut up. It's not my fault. None of this is. It's all on her.

"Please don't walk out," she said again when he didn't answer the first time.

He wanted to leave; instead, he found himself walking over to sit beside her on the bed. Her tears and relief hit him like a sledgehammer, leaving shattered fragments in his chest where his heart beat. At least, he thought that might be how it felt.

"Katarina..."

"No, Felix... Please don't push me away. I'm trying, okay? I'm trying so hard to understand why you're mad at me. I know I didn't do everything I should've! I know that; it kills me every day because I keep thinking, 'what if I'd just rested more' or 'what if I'd taken better care of myself'? A thousand 'what ifs', Felix. But it's useless. I can't bring our baby back. I wish I could, but I can't. Chance dictated that our child wouldn't survive, and we can't do anything about it. I'm begging you to forgive me. Please... I'm doing my very best to forgive myself for my role in our baby's still-birth, but I can't do it.

I can't do it because you blame me too, and I can't forgive myself when I'm constantly being hit over the head with the fact that I'm to blame. I know I'm to blame, Felix. I don't need you to rub it in. I need you to be my husband; I need you to forgive me and help me to heal. I don't want this to ever happen again." She let out a heavy breath, her shoulders hunching as she hung her head.

Felix gave her a critical once-over. She seems to feel better just because she ranted about this for a few moments. "I don't think I can forgive this, Katarina. How do you forget that your baby died because of your wife's mistake?"

"I don't know, but you could make an effort to try!" she hissed, her stomach knotting as a cold feeling crept over her. "Did you ever love me, Felix?"

His eyes widened and his lips parted slightly. Then he sputtered for a moment, looking for words he couldn't find, no doubt. Finally, he looked away. "Yes, Katarina, I did. You were my world, you know..."

"I was? Well, why is it so easy to forget that now, Felix? Hmm? Now, when we're going through a trial and I need you more than I ever have before? Now you decide you don't love me anymore? I can't accept that, Felix."

Helooked away, shrugging half-heartedly. Her sob broke something inside him,reminding him that he did still love her. But when she got up, grabbed herclothes, and fled from his presence, he didn't do anything to stop her. He justlet her go and wondered if maybe he had made a mistake in rejecting her like hehad in the past months since the baby's death. But it can't be that simple to forgive, he thought. This just isn't something you forgive,right? How can it be?