Redemption

Chapter 9

"Felix?" Kat stepped into their bedroom after knocking gently on the doorframe.

He turned to look at her, and she saw the glint of tears in his eyes. In his large, tanned hands, he held a small photo. His hair was a mess as though he'd been running his hands through it incessantly. The skin under his eyes was dark as though he hadn't slept in days, and his shirt was untucked with the top few buttons unbuttoned. A tie lay in a crumpled heap on the floor where he'd thrown it when he took it off.

It had been about a week since she first started talking to Mrs. Trenton. During the week, she'd also been at work frequently. She knew for a fact that the elderly woman was praying for them, but Kat wasn't sure if it was doing much. Felix had been avoiding her all week, and this was the first time she'd seen him in days. He looked haggard. How was he even functioning looking like that?

"Well? What is it?" he snapped. "Or did you just come to gawk?"

Kat's lower lip trembled. "I... Uh... I made your favorite for dinner. W-would you like it now? I-if not... I mean, I can just save it and warm it up for you. But I thought after the hard week you've had..."

Felix's sneer fell, and he looked away, but not before she saw the pain lurking in the depths of his once bright brown eyes. "Sure... I'll be down in a minute."

She nodded even though he wasn't looking at her and turned to go.

"Katarina..."

She froze at the tone of his voice. It was almost like it had been when they first married. The faintest touch of warmth was in her name again, and it made her heart soar even though she knew it wasn't exactly progress.

"Thank you," he murmured, still not looking at her.

"Of course... I... I love you," she whispered back, her cheeks hot as she turned and fled back to the kitchen. Why did I say that to him? He still hates me! Why? Why did I have to say such an idiotic thing? Now I've set myself up for emotional pain and trauma all over again. Stupid!

***

"So..." Felix awkwardly cleared his throat as he swallowed his bite of chicken pot pie.

Kat pushed her food around on her plate without a word. Her appetite was non-existent by now.

"Did you enjoy your time at the neighbor's?"

Kat smiled weakly and nodded. Her eyes swept over his haggard face and barely combed hair. He'd clearly washed his face, but it couldn't hide the effects of pain on his visage. Her stomach sank, and her throat tightened as tears blurred her vision. "What's happening to us, Felix?" she whispered. "We used to be great together... What happened?" She pushed herself away from the table and fled, leaving her food for him if he wanted it.

She heard his footsteps as he followed after her. He's going to come after me? Maybe we can talk about this and figure it out? I don't want to see him pain anymore, and I want to stop hurting too.

Kat found herself staring at the white paint and wood grain of their bedroom door. In her haste to escape the awkward situation and painful reminder of what had become of her marriage, she had headed to the first place she'd always gone for comfort. Her room. Turning around, she saw Felix standing behind her, his dark eyes vulnerable for the first time in a while.

"F-felix?" She stepped back, pressing her back against the wood door.

He came closer. "Katarina... Why do you keep running? Just admit what's happening and move on."

"I c-can't..." she whispered, her breath hitching.

"Why not?" Felix breathed, brushing her curls off her shoulders.

She shivered, looking away. Her bottom lip trembled as she tried to breathe normally. "B-because you're my husband. I can't accept that y-you h-hate me..." Her attempt to remain calm crumbled as she dissolved into tears. "I'm sorry I lost the baby. I'm sorry, okay? There isn't a day that goes by now where I forget that I made a mistake. Felix, please... I can't survive this alone."

"Why not?" he asked again, his eyes seeming to search her soul as he pushed for answers.

He had always been this way. At first, it was what drew Kat to him. She liked that he questioned things. She liked that he didn't just accept the status quo without thinking about it first. To her, his intellect was the first thing that had attracted her.

While her parents might be content to just believe whatever they were told by those they respected and viewed as heroes or mentor figures, Kat was not, and she had never wanted to marry a man who was content with it. Naturally, someone like Felix would draw her in with his intuitive nature and questioning ways.

"I'm too weak... I keep opening my heart to you and to others only to be hurt, Felix. Why does it hurt so much?" she asked, clinging to his button-down sweater. "Why? Answer that question? Why did our daughter develop issues in the first place? Well? I don't care what the answer is; just tell me that there was a reason."

"I don't know," Felix said, pulling away and opening the bedroom door.

He ushered her through, and she hesitantly stepped in, heading to sit on the rumpled bed. Felix followed, sitting beside her.

"I don't know either," Kat murmured, her eyes tearing up. "Is there a reason?"

"If I knew, do you think it would be so hard for me to accept all of this, Kat?" Felix asked.

His shoulders slumped, and he pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his cheek on them like a child. He kept his eyes shut, but he wasn't closed off to her now. He was just tired and sick of fighting. Kat never thought she'd see the day where Felix could give up on fighting, but now she was, and she didn't know what to do with it.

Hesitantly, she reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "Felix, I know it isn't an easy thing to ask... But please... Forgive me..."

His eyes opened slowly, and he chewed his lip, watching her quietly. "A part of me has wanted to do that for a long time. But another part of me blames you for what happened... I don't know which side to listen to..."

He's lost too, Kat thought. Both of us are... "You aren't alone with the pain and confusion, Felix. Wouldn't it be better if we faced it together?"

He gave a slight nod, closing his eyes again.

Kat sighed, her shoulders slumping as she let out the breath she'd been unconsciously holding. Quietly, she tucked her feet underneath her and rested her head on Felix's shoulder. Reaching up, she ran her fingers through his messy hair.

For a moment, he stiffened, not responding. Then he relaxed with a soft exhalation and reached out to rub little circles on her arm. Tears filled her eyes as he kept up the familiar, soothing gesture. It had been so long since he'd touched her with this kind of tenderness and love. If You exist, God, please let my husband forgive me... I can be happy again if he'll just love me once more... she thought as he pulled her down to lay beside him on the bed.

The warmth of the covers settled over her as Felix tugged them up and allowed her to nestle up against him as she always had before they'd allowed circumstances, life, and tragedy to tear them apart. Her eyes drifted shut, and a contented smile drifted across her lips as Felix kissed the top of her head softly. Then she drifted off to sleep, a tear still lingering on her lashes.