Dear Jen.

I knew It couldn't Last.

Dear Jen,

         Hey you good? That's good. Well I hope you know that this might be the last time I write. I'm just to freaking tired of it. All of it. Always being left behind. I'm Done. Always being yelled at for no bloody reason. I try to help but not once is that being taken into account. SHE's ALWAYS in a bleeding rush and What do I get? RAN THE HELL OVER! Sorry I hadn't written yesterday but it was literally the last day that she was civil. The cops got called out to Missy's again. Auntie had to go because her van was there. Anyway I was allowed to stay here by myself. I talked to my friends and Heaven asked if I could spend the night Febuary 3rd. We want to go see a movie that's going to be in theaters. I know that I'll probably not be alllowed to go. Not now. I'm just tired of it. Never being allowed to go anywhere. I mean what do I look like? A FRIGGIN ROBOT? I'm not something that can work and work all day! Everyday! She threatens me with leaving and with throwing me out. I'm tired of it. Maybe one day I'll be able to stand up to her and everyone else. Well... Maybe not. I'm forever just sitting and waiting for someone to save me. She constantly compares me to cousin. I'm getting tired of it. All of it. My friends used to believe that I never would take crap from anyone. I don't think they understand just how much crap I take. I should have know that I'm not done getting repaid the karma I've built up. It should be over soon though. I'm sure that roughly 16 years of suffering is enough. roughly 16 years of confusion and doubt. that's enought for everybody right? No one should live without a little more control and understanding right? No I'm not going to tell you any details. I'm sure Auntie will find you and try to figure out what this all means. She'll believe that I'm being a disrespectful wench. Well... I guess it is in a way. But I have to respect myself too. I can't keep taking everything in with out saying or doing SOMETHING in return. I'm not good at "killing others with kindness". I'm not good at holding my tongue without it having some physical  reaction, like and eyetwitch or a clentched fist or hands covering the eyes or massaging the temples. Everyone has a way of dealing with some kind of pain and anger that wells up in them. Auntie doesn't like any of them. She wants everyone to be docile and respectful. I CAN"T DO IT ANYMORE! I can't be docile because I'm normally someone who jumps at oppertunites to get into arguments. I'm TIRED of letting everyone walk all over me. I can't keep this up for long. but I know it's all I can do. Until I get out of here. I'm stuck. See Ya around.

                                                                 Shadow Raven

                                                                                 concluded: 12:04 pm January 21st 2001

                       Tears streaming silently down Shadow's face she closes the diary for the last time. Never again will she open it. She just can't go back and write it down anymore. She's finally lost her will to even fight back.