Surviving in a world of poverty was the greatest challenge. It wasn't easy begging on the coldest weather for something to eat. I even forgot about schooling and focused on how to keep myself breathing.
I was left by my biological mother on the night of Christmas outside the old Ms. Stewart's house. I lost everything at a very young age. Ms. Stewart passed away during my 12th birthday. Good thing, I inherited everything that was owned by the old Ms. Stewart: an old house, a piece of bread and a jar of jam; just enough to feed myself on the night of Christmas.
"I'll survive, I will." The only encouragement I had said to myself when I was younger.
A year after, I was kicked out from my house; they told me I don’t own that one. I left that house with nothing but my clothes in and a pair of ragged shoes. How pity I was that cold morning of Christmas!
In the manger, I found my shelter.
Since I had no one but myself, I had to steal food to satisfy my hunger, had to sell cigarettes and candies in the highway in order to buy myself a cup of coffee, and had to celebrate Christmas at the same time my birthday in the manger with nothing to eat.
In the busy streets, all of my dreams vanished. I was alone and hopeless. I was a little girl living in a cruel world. What else could I do? My life was ruined and useless.
But maybe, God didn’t want me to suffer more. Someone saved me from the remorseful life, manger had brought me. Without second thoughts, I followed her. I believed in her and let her fill my innocent and hopeless mind with her lies.
That day, I had the most regretful decision I made my whole life… I worked myself in a night club. The same day I forgot about God.
People disgust women like me. They accused me as if I had any other choice. But those judgemental stares didn’t scare me. My dirty work awakened my dreams. I just can’t be a filthy, ruthless and indecent woman my entire life! I started chasing my goals and studying and eventually got able to sustain my college degree.
A day before Christmas, I found myself walking through the manger. I paused and watched those happy orphans begging every passer to buy their products.
Questions of confusion occupied my mind. “How could these children laugh and smile still? How could they manage to pretend they were alright? How could they believe in hope when in the manger it never exists?”
My senses came back when I felt a child’s hand on my knees. She was one of those orphans.
“Miss, please buy this last lantern.” I saw her smile. The sweetest and most genuine smile I’d ever seen my entire life.
I took my purse and gave everything I had. “But miss, this lantern is only for 20 bucks.” The little girl insisted as she handed me the lantern.
I shook my head and held her hand. “Look, just think it’s my gift for you.”
Delight was formed into the child’s eyes. “Thank you Miss! Merry Christmas! God bless your kind heart.” She exclaimed and ran to her colleagues.
“Merry Christmas! G-god bless you too.” I uttered.
I forgot the last time I ever heard and said God’s name. I remember how I stopped believing He ever existed. I disgust Him the day he took away everything from me.
But after that child said His name, it felt like I’m renewed again. It felt like hope broke all the strongest walls around my heart and invaded it wholly.
I witnessed how hopeful the faces of those children were. I focused my eyes at them and found tears flowing out from my eyes. Those children never look like me several Christmas before. Their eyes were all filled with hope and happiness.
The child told her colleagues everything. They all look at my way, waved and mouthed the words, thank you. I waved back and found myself smiling because of real happiness.
They showed me the light in my deepest tunnel. They made me realize that I still have a lot of reasons to be thankful.
I tuned my back and hurriedly walked my way to the club I’d been working.
"You just can't come here and tell me you're resigning! Remember, if it wasn't because of me, you might be dead by now!" I closed my eyes as all the hardships I had throughout the years came back. I didn’t utter any word but grab my things and slammed the door.
“I will not go back to that night club never again.” I exclaimed.
**
I woke up the next morning with a bright feeling. I took my jacket and decided to go out for a walk. While walking I saw this crumpled streamer of a job hiring. Then, I got aware of the date. I smiled and stared at the blue sky.
Christmas always signify hope, indeed.
