Our Greatest Adventure

Chapter 19: 38 Weeks & Counting

Though I had gone to bed shortly after 10pm, I was still wide awake when 2am came rolling around. I should have been sound asleep, building up my energy for the day before me. Instead, I lay in bed staring at the ceiling thinking up all the horrible "what-ifs" and overwhelming myself with irrational thoughts. There was no reason to be nervous, yet I was.

Over the past 38 weeks, I had prepared diligently for this very moment. Read every book imaginable, listened to all of my doctor's advice, and attended multiple parenting classes. I had even done the work to heal my past and emotions, to better prepare for my new role. There was no one better prepared for motherhood than myself.

Still, in a few short hours, my little Jellybean would be here, in my arms. For the next 18 years, she would rely on me for physical and mental stability. Could I provide that with only 38 weeks of practice? Could I be a better mother to her than my own had been? Soon we would find out. I hoped just wanting to be a good mother would make me one.

Beside me, Jai snored softly. I'd allowed him the luxury of sleeping in our bed tonight. But I had done it more out of my own selfish needs. It unnerved me how quickly he had been able to fall asleep. Wasn't he as nervous as I was?

I nudged him until he stirred, and groaned. "What's wrong?"

"We don't have a name for Jellybean." I tugged on his shirt to keep him awake.

Jai rubbed the sleep from his eyes, then rested his large hand on my cheek. "I thought we decided to wait and see her. That way we don't name her something wrong."

For an entire week, we spent our nights flipping through baby name books and visiting baby name websites. We wanted something unique, but that went well with Courtney. It was not as easy as we thought. There was importance to naming your child something with meaning, but we weren't liking the names that matched the meaning we wanted. For example, when looking for a name that meant "friendly" we came across Amity. Which would not have worked for obvious reasons?

After nixing too many names to count Jai and I decided the best thing do is wait. Especially if we gave her a name meaning friendly, and she was born with Jai's "bad guy face." We thought with the amount of research we'd done, a name would come to us the moment we saw her.

"Yeah but what if a name doesn't come to us?" My anxiety was built up and I could no longer see a good reason to wait.

"Is that what you're really worried about? Or is it something else?" He rubbed his thumb up and down, trying to lull me to sleep.

There were multiple things I was worried about: breastfeeding, sleeping, diapering, and more. But I only had one night to figure it all out, and her name seemed to be the most important topic.

"I'm scared."

He pulled me in as close as my belly would allow. "So am I. This was a lot easier to deal with when she was just a Jellybean on the sonogram. But pretty soon she's going to be a real life human."

"That's what freaks me out the most. I'm ok with the idea of having a child now and I can imagine myself being a good mom. But I've practicing on dolls, not little humans." I rubbed my belly, feeling Jellybean move around. She was as restless tonight as I was.

Jai placed his hand over mine. "I have nightmares that I'm going to squash her. That I don't know my own strength."

"Maybe having these fears and anxieties will make us good parents."

He chuckled, drawing circles on my belly. "How do you figure?"

My whole life I had been plagued by anxiety, but every single bit of it has led me to something better. In many ways, my anxiety forced me to be better or find something better. Worrying may be irrational, but only if you don't do anything to fix it. When I thought I wasn't good enough to be loved, it didn't help to continue worrying about it. I had to open myself up to Jai in order to be better.