Our Greatest Adventure

Chapter 9: 24 Weeks & Counting

Leaving at the end of the week had been difficult, and I hadn't expected feelings of not wanting to leave to bubble up inside me. I have never not wanted to leave a place. My mind always raced with a need for home, and the comfort of familiar surroundings. Trips left me spent, exhausted but this one had been different.

We had started all over again, trying to find the love we knew was still there. Any minute he had to spare for me was spent making love or discussing plans for the future. Though we traveled through the city, what we saw was never as important as what we were feeling. It was as if, for the first time, we were recognizing the natural chemistry between us.

I felt calmer than I had before, and weight I didn't know I was holding onto had lifted. On the plane I wanted to cry for what I was leaving behind, but at the same time I wanted to smile because I knew what I had in Jai. It didn't matter how far away he was, or how long it took him to come back. What mattered was that he always did come back for me. He would never leave me behind.

I knew the coming weeks would be a challenge, especially since I had fallen in love again. Jai would be out of reach for awhile, and visiting would be infrequent. Thrown into the thralls of acting, he would be spending much of his time on set. His career was about to take off, and more films would be offered. Where Jellybean and I fit into it all, I didn't know. But we had time to figure it out.

After years of pushing people away, I was starting to trust the universe around me and allow things to happen. I had to let go of trying to control everything, because I couldn't. And I knew if I wanted to continue making these positive life changes, seeing a therapist was part of the process.

Mae offered to come with me, provide me a sense of support as I waited to meet with Dr. Roth, and I should have accepted the offer. Even as far as I've come over the past 24 odd weeks, I was still getting used to the idea of allowing someone to hold my hand and comfort me.

Sitting in the large open waiting room, alone with my thoughts was like putting an antelope in a room alone with a lion. I'd always heard a mind is a dangerous thing, but it's worse when it's in a quiet environment. It feeds you all of your insecurities until you're wondering why you are such a failure.

Dr. Roth appeared after I had flipped through a single copy of People Magazine five times, and lead me back to her office. It was calmer than the waiting room, painted in compromising browns and golds. The leather couch was cool, and comforting and I melted into it like butter

"How are you feeling today?" She started off, grabbing my chart. I began to wonder what she would write.

"I'm doing better than when I called to make the appointment," I answered honestly.

Before making the appointment I was struggling with my feelings for Jai and preparing for Jellybeans arrival. Today I felt that I was clearer in those two areas of my life. They weren't completely solved, but I was satisfied for now.

She nodded, jotting down notes. "Let's start with what brings you here then. Why did you decide to make the appointment?"

"Umm well, I've been to a therapist before for past issues and they were never really resolved. I didn't benefit from her type of therapy, and now that I've got new issues mixed with old, my best friend suggested I try you." Every time I shifted in my seat or umm-ed it made we wonder if I looked as crazy as I felt.

"When did you first start therapy?" Dr. Roth was big on eye contact, and though she was noting what I said, she was looking at me as if she cared. I'm sure I was just another patient to her, but at least she was making me feel important.

I crossed my legs. "Probably when I was like 18 or 19, I started visiting the counseling center at my college. They were helpful to listen to my problems but not on how to solve my problems."