Our Greatest Adventure

Chapter 18: 37 Weeks, 1 Day & Counting

He disappeared once I wandered back upstairs. I heard the front door close behind him. Where he was headed to I couldn't be sure. It was beginning to feel like I didn't know him.

While I wanted to blame every ounce of the new Jai on the film, I knew better than that. His thoughts and feelings were coming from a place buried deep inside. A place he had never needed to visit until now. As much as I loved him, I knew I could not live with the misogynistic views he was now expressing.

With Jai out of the house, attempting to figure himself out I took the opportunity to busy my own self. It did no good sitting around the house hoping everything would fix itself; I needed to continue moving along.

Downstairs I brewed myself a cup of tea and went to work in my office. The small space off the living room had come together nicely. It was painted warm reds and accented in bright golds. In the entire house, it was the only room not prepared for Jellybean. It was my room; the only room that belonged solely to me.

Having a room of my own felt important. Soon my whole world would be Jellybean. While I felt lucky that I could raise a child and work from home, a luxury many moms did not have, I knew it meant I would be in mom mode constantly. Even Jai would be able to take breaks from fatherhood when he had to return to work. I worried by needing to be on all of the time would wear me down and that I would lose part of myself in Jellybean.

She was not even here, and my biggest fear was that I would love her too much. That I would cease to be, except to provide love for her. The woman I had grown into would disappear into the chaotic whirlwind of motherhood. To preserve, and ensure that I would not become a shell of myself, I prepared a room that was all for me.

In my office, books lined every wall and there was a large drawer filled with all of my favorite sweet treats. I decorated the room with furniture that was comfortable, and made sure the lighting wouldn't bother my eyes. The room was the absolute, most perfect getaway space. Even if I was just escaping to work.

After grabbing a stash of jelly beans hidden in the drawer, I laid back on the chaise with a new book. Concentrating was difficult, though, and it was not the book's fault. My mind kept wandering back to Jai. Where had he gone? Was he coming back? Did I push him away? I wanted to stick to my guns, make him feel guilty for what he had done. But in doing so, it only made me feel worse.

As I sat there, flipping through the pages mindlessly, I thought over everything I said. I analyzed every word, wondered how I could have been more sensitive. Perhaps he needed someone to lean on like I had. Someone who could support him when he was difficult to handle and had no faith in himself.

When my mind decided to forgive him is when the paparazzi images of him partying appeared in my head. The video of him acting a fool, as one of his costar's unbuttoned his shirt played over and over. Jai enjoyed a good party. I knew that when I got involved. His partying was not the problem, though. It was his lack of concern that bothered me most.

My father had walked away from our family. My mother had given up on me and pushed the thought of my well being aside. I had issues of abandonment. It's why I kept my heart closed off to anyone, including those who knew me best. It's why I had pushed Jai away before our relationship really had a chance to work.

So to have him abandon me when he knew my issues better than anyone else, felt like a slap in the face. I wanted to bang my fists against his chest and hurt him for doing it. Wanted to hurt him the way he hurt me, make him feel the pain I had.

Over and over these thoughts spun through my head. I felt as if I was going insane. Finally, I had to throw on some music and hope it brought enough distraction. One more week of avoiding stress is all I needed to get through.