Rammies On A Plane
(The inside of a plane. Rammstein's jet is down for repairs, so they must take a commercial flight-in coach, as 1st class was unavailable. There are numerous small children running amok, and while the Rammies do love children, there are limits...)
Boy #1 (Sitting next to Doom): What's your name?
Doom: Christoph.
Boy #1: What's your name?
Doom: ...Christoph.
Boy #1: What's your name?
Doom: Christoph!
(This continues for some time. Olli is engaged in a staring contest with a 2-year old looking over the seat in front of him. For the past 45 minutes. And neither is winning.)
Boy #2 (Staring at Till, who has many little empty booze bottles in his lap, and is busy draining more): You got nails in your eyebrow!
Till: ...No scheiss.
Girl #1 (On Till's other side): What does 'scheiss' mean-?
Till: It means-
Paul (In the seat behind. In 'Mom' mode): Till...
Till: It means rainbows and lollipops.
Girl #1: And unicorns?
Till: Ja, unicorns with great big schvanzes.
Paul: Till!
Boy#2: You have a hole in your face. That's stupid!
Till: Ja, well, you have a big hole in yours. Would you like me to shut it?
Paul: Till!
(Flake is sitting with Girl #2, who is in the middle of a severe sugar rush, evidenced by the candy wrappers and pop cans around her seat.)
Girl#2: So, anyway, my Auntie Britney-not Britney Spears-my auntie has a plastic leg-isn't that neat? I wish I had one, cause then I could kick my brother really really hard-but I only kick him when he does stuff like put my My Little Ponies in the microwave-anyway, I wanted to be Lady Gaga for Halloween last year, but my mommy said no way in hell-I mean heck-so I had to be a stupid hobbit. Hey! Hey! What's that thing in your neck? It looks like a ping pong ball. Do you like ping pong? We had a ping pong table, but our dog Scooter kept eating the balls and my other poophead brother kept swatting me in the behind with the paddles-how come you're so skinny? Are you a model? Can you really see with those big glasses? (Etc.)
(In contrast to his mates, Richard is patiently humoring Girl #3, who he is letting paint his fingernails. Boy #3 is watching with disdain.)
Boy #3: How come you're letting her paint your nails?
Richard: Because I think it looks pretty.
Girl #3: Pwetty!
Boy #3: But you're not a girl.
Richard: So-?
Girl #3: Tho-?
Boy #3: Just girls wear nail polish.
Richard: No, they don't.
Girl #3: No!
Boy #3: So, are you gay, then?
Richard (Patience fraying): No, but who cares if I were?
Girl #3: Who careth!
Boy #3: My grandpa says gays are all going to hell.
Till (In the seat behind): Ja, well, grandpa sounds like an arschloch.
Girl #1: What's a-
Paul (Quickly): -It's a big cupcake!
Girl #3: Aw done!
Richard (Admiring his hands-which resemble Rorschach ink blots from the amount of nail polish.): Oh, what a wonderful job! Thank you so much!
Boy #3: No it isn't, you're lying. My Grandpa says liars go to hell, too. (Till reaches over and flicks Boy #3 in the back of the head, then quickly goes back to drinking.) Ow!
Till (To Girl #1): Did you see that? That was Wolfgang, the little gnome who kicks arschlochs in the head!
(Girl #1 giggles.)
Boy #2: No it wasn't! It was you, I saw! (Till claps a hand over Boy #2's mouth.)
Richard (Rising): *Sigh* Excuse me... (He heads for the bathroom.)
Boy #1: What's your name?
Doom: Elvis.
Boy #1: Nuh-uh! What's your name?
Doom: ...Susan.
Boy #1: Nuh-uh!
(Olli and the 2 year old continue to stare at each other. )
Girl #2: -And then, and then, my cousin-not the one who wears all his clothes when he takes a bath, but the one who always has to turn around three times and say 'mashed potatoes' when she goes in a room-she said her daddy says people never went to the moon, it was all in Hollywood, where they make the Mickey Mouse cartoons, and my daddy says that the sixties were really good to her daddy-what does that mean? But anyway, I had a chocolate milk and gummi bears for breakfast this morning and I threw up, and there were little pieces of gummi bears in it-
Flake (suddenly): Hey! You know what? Want to play 'plane crash?'
Girl #2: What's that-?
Flake (Pulling down the oxygen mask and taking a roll of duct tape from his bag): Here, I'll show you...
(Richard emerges from bathroom, coughing and waving at what is clearly a cloud of cigarette smoke.)
Boy #2: Ahm! He was smoking in the bathroom!
Richard: Sh! No, I wasn't!
Boy #2: Oh huh! You were, too! I'm telling!
Paul: Say, don't you kids have some parents with you-or a guardian-or-
Till: -A parole officer-?
Flake (wrapping the last of the duct tape that is holding the oxygen mask on Girl #2's head): Their teacher is with them-over there.
(Richard walks over to the teacher, who is sound asleep-with the help of several little bottles of cognac-and taps her on the shoulder.)
Richard: Meine Dame...pardon-?
(The teacher wakes up. It is Rammstein's Sonne*. She groggily looks up at Richard.)
Richard: I hate to bother you, but your kids are-
R.S.: Oh, Mon Dieu! Richaaard! (She passes out.)
Paul: Nice going, rock star.
Richard: -Why do they always do that-?
Boy #1: -What's your name?
Doom: Archimedes.
Boy #1: Nuh-uh! What's your name?
Doom: ...Bubbles LaRue.
Boy #2 (To Till): You're fat!
Till (Grrr): ...It's muscle.
Boy#2: People don't have muscles in their chins!
Till: Hey, see that little latch on the window-? You know, if you pull it, candy comes out! Go ahead, try it!
Paul: TILL!
(The staring contest between Olli and the 2 year old climaxes with the kid spitting up all over Olli... but he's still staring.)
Girl #2: Mlpphmlphmmplh-mrmmrmulph murhph murph...
*Member of Gemmus forum-who just happens to work with children.
YOU ARE READING
What would Rammstein say?
Fanfictionjust a random funny stuff where the writer imagined a lot of funny scenes played by our belovers All rights are for the owner "tillsdoppelganger"
