What would Rammstein say?

PT.11

What if R+ tried to wear cheap disguises while shopping at the mall?

(Scene: 'Mall Of America', Bloomington, Minnesota. The Rammies are on a short break during their American tour, and as this mall is the only place Richard can find the shade of black nail polish he likes in all the Midwest, his bandmates have reluctantly agreed to accompany him-but incognito. So: Doom is 'Frau Schneider', Flake is a nun, Olli is a Hare Krishna, Paul is a 80's-era butt-rocker complete w/ mullet, Richard is a Rastafarian, and Till wears a t-shirt that says: 'This IS My Fucking Disguise.')

Richard: -I really don't think you're getting into the spirit of this, Till...
Till: What 'spirit'? We're just escorting you while you buy some ficking nail polish! And you'd better appreciate this, cause I think I have actually lost 26 I.Q. points just by setting foot in this overblown Temple Of Mammon!
Olli: -This what...?
Paul: He's a poet, never mind...
Flake: You know, Reesh, the whole concept of 'disguises' is, you know, to be 'disguised'. You don't think we're just a bit conspicuous...?
Olli: Ja, besides, this is the U.S.-nobody recognizes us here- especially in the Midwest.
Richard: Better safe than sorry, Kerls-remember, we're in a country where a president got shot at just because some guy wanted to get Jodie Foster's attention.
Flake: True...Americans are a little celebrity-mad.
Paul: Ja, I already got mistaken for Nikki Sixx, Bret Michaels, Joan Jett, and the guitarist from something called 'Shotgun Messiah'-?
Richard (Lighting a cigarette disguised as a giant spliff): *Sigh* Come on, knabes-you don't hear Doom complaining, do you?
Flake: That's because he's been keeping an eye out for Victoria's Secret and Fredrick's Of Hollywood since we got here.
Doom: -Think there's a shoe store here that specializes in extra-large sizes...?
Till: Well, I don't want to spend a second longer here than we absolutely have to. These places are designed with total sensory deprivation in mind- you actually lose sense of time, of place, the very fabric of reality starts to unravel after a few hours, and- YAAHHHH!!
Olli: What's the matter, Till?
Till: Scheiss! I'm starting to hallucinate already! Does anyone else see a giant piece of swiss cheese coming at us?
Richard: Calm down, Till, that's just Spongebob Squarepants from Nickelodeon Universe.
Paul: Hey! Let's see if it's one of those girls from Disneyland! (He starts towards Spongebob. Till grabs him by his studded dog collar.)
Till: NO! I want OUT of here! NOW! I- (Stops suddenly.) ...Oooo...what's that wonderful smell...? (Looks around and spots the Cinnabon.) Ohhhhh...jaaaa....
Richard: (Handing Flake a $100 bill, grabbing a mesmerized Till and pushing them towards the Cinnabon.) –We just need an hour, Flocka. Keep him occupied. Okay, Paul and Olli, you cover the north side, Doom and I will cover the south.
Olli: Okay...um, what store are we looking for, again...?
Richard: Uhhhh...oh, scheiss...I forget the name, but the sign is sort of retro-70's-looking, with flowers, and it's kind of yellowish...
Paul: *Sigh* We'll find it. If we never see you again, it's been nice knowing you...(Pumping a leather-gloved fist) Onward into the mouth of hell! It's a good day to die!
(He and Olli set off in a Northerly direction, Olli humming 'Hare Krishna' and shaking his tambourine.)

(One half hour later: Doom & Richard are still looking. Doom is in pain and walking wobbly.)
Doom: *Whimper* Reesh, my feet are killing me-can we at least stop by the Croc store-?
Richard (Shuddering): NO! You KNOW how I feel about Crocs!
Doom: Well, I'm taking these heels off, then. (He sits and removes his shoes.) Oh, gott, muuuch better...
Richard: Doom! There it is!
Doom: What-? Where what is-?
Richard (Pointing to store with yellowish retro-70's sign): That's the store! 'FopsRUs: Urbanwear For Your Inner Metrosexual!'
Doom (Under his breath): ...There's nothing 'inner' about your Metrosexual, Reesh...
Richard: Wait there-I'll be right back.
(Richard leaves. A gaggle of teenage girls from the Hot Topic approach Doom.)
Girl#1: Um, excuse me...
Doom (Looks up from massaging his feet): Ah...ja...?
Girl#2: ...We were just wondering...are you with that show...
Doom: Uhh...'show'...?
Girl#3: You know...um...'RuPaul's Drag Race'...?
Doom: 'Rupaul's...?
Girl#1: -Cause you look really good! We thought you were, you know, 'real' at first.
Doom (Envisioning a bunch of rednecks materializing and beating the crap out of him in the parking lot.): Uhhhh....ja! Ja, I am!
Girl#2: (Delighted): Awesome! What's your name?
Doom: Um...'Gerta Dammerung'. *
(The girls look at him blankly.)
-I'm German.
Girls: Ohhhh!
Girl#3: That's so cool! Is RuPaul here?
Doom: Err...ja! That's him, right over there! (Points to a tall, nattily dressed black gentleman with a smaller blond woman.)
Girl#1: OMG! That's him-uh, her!
Girl #2: That must be Pandora Boxx with her! I love him-uh, her!
Doom: I'm sure he'd be delighted to give you his autograph!
Girl#3: Really? Epic!
Girl#1: Thanks! Oh- hope you win!
(The girls dash over to the tall black gentleman. Richard appears with a large crate of nail polish.)
Richard: I don't believe it! I got the last case of the limited edition Trent Reznor's 'Black As Your Soul' nail enamel!
Doom (Grabbing Richard's arm and leading him away quickly): That's fantastich, Reesh, but we must go now-
Richard: What-? What's the-
Tall Black Man: WHO SAID I LOOKED LIKE RUPAUL?!?!
Doom (Teetering on high heels): -I'll explain later.
(They run back to the Cinnabon. Paul and Olli approach. Olli is loaded down with copies of the Bhagavad Gita.)
Doom:...What's all this-?
Olli: Well, we ran into a covey of actual Hare Krishnas, and before I knew it, one of them shoved these at me, said 'Hare Hare Rammalama Dingdong', and...
Paul: -And I just spent the last half hour trying to convince a large biker named 'Dogfucker' that I was not his long-lost 'Bro, 'Weed' from the 1985 Ratt tour. We ditched him when he went into the Harley Davidson store to fetch his 'Ol'Lady'-
Olli: 'TwinkleTwat'.
Doom: Well, something has come up, and we need to leave now...where's Till and Flake?
Richard: -There they are.
(Richard points. Till and Flake are at a table piled high with empty plates. Till looks very stuffed and happy, with frosting smeared on his face, shirt, shoes, hair, etc.)
Doom: Come on, Kerls, we're leaving!
Till (In a sugar coma): Awww...do we have to...? *Burp*
Doom: Yes, we do. Upupup, Tillchen. (Pulls on Till's arm.) Argh, he's not budging. Olli-?
(Olli sighs, grabs Till under the arms, lifts.)
Olli: GAH! My scrotum!
Till: 'We all live in Amerika, Amerika...hmmhmm...Cocacola, Wunderbra...'
(Olli and Doom haul Till towards the nearest exit. Flake tosses the $100 bill to the Goth kid behind the counter.)
Flake: Here, keep the change.
Goth Kid: Oh-thank you, Sister.
Flake: 'Sister'-? (Looks down at his habit.) Oh, ja...uh, Dominus Patris...uhh, Comme ce, comme ca. Bless you, my child. (Makes a quick sign of the cross, leaves with other Rammies.)
Goth Kid (To co-worker): -OMG, I knew nuns were homely, but-

*I know, you have to be an opera geek to get that reference.