What would Rammstein say?

PT.13

Rammstein at the movies.

(Scene: Escaping a very boring after-party in a Midwest city, The Rammies have repaired to a local theater for the midnight movie. Olli, Richard, Flake, and Doom are sitting in the front row.)

Richard: Did anyone happen to notice what movie this is-?
Flake: I don't care, my head is still spinning, and if I try and go back to the hotel to sleep, I'm going to end up doing a Jimi Hendrix*1. What was that drink they were serving, anyway?
Olli: 'The Alabama Slammer'.
Doom: -Southern Comfort and sloe gin.
Flake: *Urp* Ohhh, gott...I haven't felt this lousy since the Combichrist guys served their 'Roadkill Sausages' in Zagreb...
Richard: Oh, Flocka, they were just kidding with the name...I think...
Doom: Well, it was pretty scary when Olli couldn't find his dog for a hour...
Flake: *Urp*
(Till enters, laden with snackbar goodies.)
Till: Okay, Kerls: Mountain Dew and Milk Duds for Doom...Fanta and nachos with traffic cone-colored goop for Olli, because he can eat that dreck and still look better than the rest of us...three Dove bars and a diet Spite for Richard...oh, and nicotine gum so he won't be leaving every ten minutes to go smoke, then come back and ask us what he missed...and a hazelnut latte and Jujubes for Flocka. By the way, how's the head?
Flake: -Like Hertha Berlin and Torpedo-ZIL Moskva*2 just used it in the World Cup. In overtime. (Till passes the nachos to Olli in front of Flake, who turns green with the sight and ducks his head between his legs.)
Olli (To Till): A-hem...
Till: Oh, right...(Till produces six bottles of Jager from the pockets of his coat and distributes them.)
Doom: Where did Paul go?
Till (Taking his seat and gesturing up the aisle): He's bringing my stuff.
(Paul appears, loaded down like a pack mule.)
Paul (Handing Till a milk can-sized container of popcorn): Popcorn...
(A Costco-size bag of gummi bears) ...gummi bears...
(A depth-charge-sized Dr. Pepper)...Dr. Pepper...
(A bushel of hot dogs)...hot dogs...
(A stack of toast)...and toast.
(He hands all this to Till and sits next to him.)
Till: ...Toast...?
Paul: Ja, it was weird-some guy in a gold lame posing pouch just walked up and handed them to me. Maybe it's an American thing...
Richard (Perusing a half-burnt slice): -Yack! They could have at least buttered them.
Doom: Maybe it's like American biscotti...?
Flake: Um, Kerls-? Do they celebrate Halloween in April in the U.S.?
Olli: No, October. Why?
Flake: Well...look around.
(They look. The audience is, almost without exception, in costume-high heels, garter belts, tuxedos, underwear, maid's uniforms, space suits, etc.)
Paul: Huh. Maybe Mardi Gras-?
Richard: -The fishnet hose on the guy in the wheelchair is an interesting concept...
Till (Sipping at his Jager and taking a bite of hot dog): Sh! It's starting.
Audience: LET THERE BE LIPS!
Richard: What? Let there be what-? Oh, lips.
(Lips appear onscreen.)
Lips: Michael Rennie was ill/The Day the Earth Stood Still/But he told us where we stand...
Olli: Michael who...?
Doom: Shhh!
Lips: And Flash Gordon was there, in
Audience: EDIBLE!
Lips...silver underwear...
Audience: KINKY!
Flake (Turns to give the audience a dirty look, which goes ignored.): Scheiss, I knew American film audiences were rude, but...
Till (Chewing gummi bears): Ja, well, they're no worse than our audiences- I've had all the fat guys in chef costumes I can stand for the rest of my life. At least no one's dressed up like you.
Paul: Actually, there's quite a few guys who look like Flocka here...most of them in boxer shorts.
Richard: -There's one in a garter belt.
Till: What-? Where-?
Doom: Shhh!
(Film continues.)
Lips & Audience: Science fiction - double feature,/Doctor X/will build a creature/See androids fighting/Brad and Janet/Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet/Oh, oh, oh, oh... ...at the late night, double feature, picture show....
Paul: Aw, this is kind of cute, everybody's singing along.
Richard: Yeah, I like this better than 'Sound Of Music' so far...
Doom: Shhh!
Lips: I knew Leo G. Carrol/was over a barrel/when tarantula took to the hills...
Audience: LICK THOSE LIPS!
(*Lick*)
Till (Through a mouthful of popcorn): Oh! Maybe it's like, interactive porno-?
Lips: And I really got hot, when I saw-
Audience: JANET'S TWAT!
Till (*Munch*): Ja, it's a porno.
Lips: Science fiction/Double feature/Doctor X...
Audience: SEX! SEX! SEX!
Lips: ...will build a creature./See androids fighting...
Audience: AND FUCKING AND SUCKING ON!
Till (Gulping Dr. Pepper): ...See?
Olli (Finishing his nachos): Till, pass me some of that toast, would you?
Till: Sure. Hopp-la! (He tosses Olli a piece of toast.)
Audience Member in Unconventional Conventioneer costume behind Till: No, no! Not yet!
Till: What-?
A.M.: Oh, you must be new! Awesome! You can be in the Virgin Cast!
Paul: The say what the who now-?
Lips: ...to the late night, double feature, picture show/In the back row.
Front Row: FUCK THE BACK ROW!
Back Row: FUCK THE FRONT ROW!
Lips & Audience: Oh, ho, ho... ...to the late night, double feature, picture show...
(The film stops. Guy in wheelchair & fishnets, aka 'Dr. Scott' rolls onto stage.)
Audience: GREAT SCOTT! (Cheers.)
'Dr. Scott': Velkom to za zirty-zekond anniverzary schreening uff Der Rocky Horror Picture Show!
(Cheers from audience.)
Flake: ...Should we be offended...?
Richard (Auf Englisch-exaggerated, of course): Vell, zorry, Flocka, but zat iss vhat ve zound like...
Flake (Under his breath): Maybe you do, Herr 'Personal Cheeses'...
'Dr. Scott': Und ass you all know, efry anniversary, ve select some lucky first-time audience members to participate in za 'virgin cast'.
(Cheers from audience.)
Olli: -That would be a difficult thing to prove, wouldn't you think-?
'Dr. Scott': Zo! Vhere are za 'virgins'?
(House lights come up. A spotlight sweeps the crowd.The Unconventional Conventioneer audience Member behind Till taps him on the shoulder.)
U.C.: Go ahead!
Till: Whaaaaat-?
U.C.: You're virgins-go ahead!
Paul: You mean you can tell by looking...?
U.C. (To 'Dr. Scott'): Over here! This whole row!
(The spotlight falls on the Rammies. Till immediately sinks into his seat. Paul and Richard smile and wave, the others are just confused.)
'Dr. Scott': Ach, schon! Kommen sie heir, Liebchen!
(Audience applauds. Paul nudges Flake and Doom out of their seats and approaches the stage. Richard pries Olli and Till out from under their seats and drags them forward, Till leaving a trail of gummi bears and popcorn behind him. A 'Columbia' and a 'Magenta' steer the Rammies into a line onstage.)
'Dr. Scott': You veterans know za drill: take a goot, long look at zese chentlemen, decide who you zink zey should be, and write your answers on za papers Columbia und Machenta are passing aroundt.
Flake (to Richard): Do you seriously think we sound like that-?
(Columbia & Magenta pass out papers, return to stage.)
'Dr Scott': Now, meine Herren, you vill be taken backstage vhere our costume und makeup experts vill transform you into your Rocky Horror Doppelgangers!
Doom: They're going to do what...?
(Till glances around desperately for an exit, but is hauled offstage by an eager Richard and an eagerer Paul.)
Till: No, no, no...dragging me to Disneyland and The Mall Of America wasn't enough for you?
Paul: What are you worried about, Till? You're a shoo-in for Rocky.
Till: Rocky...? You mean the hunky blond one?
Richard: Ja...and I noticed a lot of hot Janets in the audience, Tillchen...
Till (Reconsidering): Well...I guess if I can wear that latex thing in 'Mann Gegen Mann', I can wear a gold lame posing pouch...
(Paul and Richard haul Till backstage, the other Rammies following.)