Georgia Rose (One Direction)

Chapter 43

Angel- Sarah Malachlan

My Immortal -Evanescence

Asleep -The Smiths

My hands slammed onto the bathroom counter, I cried out with everything I had in me. This girl is so right, it'd be so much better if I was gone from everyone's life. The constant worry I shove onto their shoulders would finally be gone, they'll be able to breathe for once without me blocking their way. I won't be using up the only personal space they always wanted to have but never got the chance to grasp, I am just a suffocation device.

She said so herself, I'd be doing them a favor. To be honest, Id be doing myself a favor. This last month or two has been absolutely horrible. I am permanently damaged from the inside out, there isn't a bandage out there that's strong enough to keep me from bleeding through. Not only is my body scarred and will be for the rest of my time on earth, my heart along with my mindset is also. I am not myself, not the girl I was two months ago.

Some people may think Im crazy for doing this over a guy, but they don't understand and they will never be able to truly grasp the concept. I didn't do this over Harry, I did this because I've bottled it up for too long. I'm doing this because I have lost the people that mean the most to me. I've pushed them away so far that they've fallen off the drop thousands of feet in the air, and they are never coming back.

I'm ready to do the same.

I am so ready to give up on every single little thing that I have ever lived for, I'm passed my breaking point. It's not worth fighting anymore, I'm completely done.

I have felt so discouraged these past few weeks but nothing as bad as this. It feels like my heart has shattered on the tiled floor beneath me. My empty stomach seems as though it has finally shriveled up into a prune, even if I wanted to eat I couldn't. In the past 21 days I haven't eaten more than a packet of crackers a day, why did I feel like it was worth it? Is not having any energy what so ever worth it? Should looking in the mirror be such a chore like it is for me? Is it normal to be able to clearly see your ribs and hip bones stick from under your skin, but still easily point out the fat hanging off of your body?

Of course it is, for me anyway.

It's my job. I am put on this earth to hate myself, to literally despise my whole existence. If I could've chosen not to live I would've in a heartbeat. In my point of view, nothing is getting better, I've tried so unbelievably hard but I just can't see the light coming through to my misunderstanding life.

Cutting is nice but it just doesn't do the job anymore. The pain numbs me from the inside out im just so sick of this horrid feeling. I mean, seriously, what's the point anymore. I'm running down a road with no end, I'm exhausted and Im am ready to lay in the lining ditch, just waiting someone to find my lifeless body hours later. I am sprinting down this road at 100 kilometers an hour but the end is nowhere near, the only way to find the end is to end it all.

So what if I do end it all? I can finally be at peace.

I smile at the thought of being able to relax without the fear of falling into the bottomless pit that follows behind me. This pit lures me in, tells me things I want to hear. It offers me these items I've been longing for, that I feel are nessesities. A sharpened razor blade. A father that can accept me. Nights where sleep comes easily. The guilt of being the one who killed my mother off my shoulders. Harry.

The pit filled with blackness assures me that everything will be alright if I just let myself fall into it, escaping this life. All I have to do is fall back and that same pit will be there, it's always waiting. I have explored this dark experience before but have never had the courage to follow through to the complete end. The demon inside the pit assures me that what I'm doing to myself is good, it'll help me. It tells me that if I find the bottom of the pit, then the stress that sits on my shoulders will be gone.