When Shadows Fall | BTS Kim Namjoon

Chapter 15: Tears and Roses

I could feel the ice spreading through me, freezing me into place. Yejun was continuing to speak. "The police didn't tell us anything else, about where he was found, what they think happened, or anything like that. They only told us that he's... dead."

I couldn't seem to form words. I kept trying, but nothing was coming out.

"I know I should have told you in person, but I thought you would want to know as soon as possible. I'm sorry."

I was able to repeat his last words in a murmured "I'm sorry." His voice suddenly broke, and I heard one raw sob.

"Sorry," Yejun choked out, and the call ended.

I sat staring at the table for a moment. What? What had he said? Was that real? Hajun, dead? No. It couldn't be. It didn't feel real. It didn't feel... like anything. I would be crying if he was dead, right?

I realized that Namjoon had been calling my name. I looked up. "I have to go." I stood up and walked out of the booth, my steps wooden. I had to get home. I had to get away from this nightmare. Surely when I got home I'd be able to figure out what was real.

And maybe none of this would have been true.

*

Namjoon followed Chunhwa out of the café, watching her sleep-like walk and hoping she wouldn't fall over.

"Chunhwa!" he called as she walked over to her car and climbed in. "Jeong Chunhwa!"

She didn't seem to hear him. He hurried over and tapped on her window, worried at the look on her face.

"Are you sure you should be driving right now?" She locked the car door and waved, starting the car with only one engine failure.

Namjoon put his hand on her window. "Chunhwa, are you okay? What's wrong?"

She put the car in reverse and waved again. Namjoon backed up as she began pulling out of the parking spot, not wanting her to run him over.

He watched her drive away, hoping she'd stay safe. So much for sharing problems - he knew the caller had told her something about Hajun, but what it could have been to make her eyes so dead and her face so cold, he didn't know.

Returning to the booth, Namjoon picked up the coffee he'd ordered before Chunhwa arrived and took a sip of it before realizing that it was cold. He frowned and pushed it away.

His phone buzzed, and he looked at it. A text from Boyeong - What do you mean I'm being difficult? You're the one who's stupid! I never see you anymore! Come see me!

He put his head in his hands. What did Boyeong expect? He was an idol and he had responsibilities. And on the occasions he did meet her, he hadn't come home happy in a long time.

Chunhwa's words echoed in his mind. If she's the source you look to for happiness, you'll be unhappy forever.

Was that what he wanted from Boyeong? To make him happy? To fill up his loneliness?

Do you know what you want from the relationship? Maybe what you think you want isn't actually what you want.

What did he want from Boyeong? He'd thought what he wanted was everything she had - a nice body, an exciting personality, affection and adoration for him... But maybe that wasn't true.