Shaforostart It - THE SEQUEL (2016)

Chapter Thirteen

Ben had to be the one to tell everyone. To tell his friends and family, and Ciara's family, that she was dying. To explain to them that she could not get better. I admired his strength, because he only cried the first two times, and for the rest he was blank. I stayed with Ciara while Ben called people, only doing a few at a time. The rest of the band was the first to arrive. Ciara's family the next day. If I wasn't in the room with her I was waiting outside with Ben. James, the only one in contact with Denis, waited with me in the hospital cafeteria while he visited her. He was allowed to go, with someone waiting outside the door, just to visit her. He could go whenever he wanted, the hospital said, but I knew he wouldn't be around much. I was around, and he didn't want to watch his best friend's girlfriend die. When he left we went back upstairs. She had fallen asleep. I hugged Ben when I saw him. "How are you?"

"Oh, you know, not good." He forced a laugh, pain evident in his voice. I nodded. "You?"

"Oh, you know." I sighed, looking up at him. "Not good." We both laughed slightly. "How is he?" Ben took my hand and pulled me to the chairs by the window.

"He's getting better. I think. He didn't say much. But he looks better. Still looks like a right fuck with his hair gone, but its growing back. He's on antidepressants, and can't drink at all anymore. He seemed like he was doing better but it's kind of hard to tell when he's supposed to be sad, you know?" I nodded. I knew.

"Well that's good. I hope he's doing good." Ben rolled his eyes. I sighed. "What's wrong with that?"

"You. And him. This isn't you guys. 'I hope he's doing good' is some serious bullshit. I wish I was in your position." I raised my eyebrow at him.

"You wanna be seven months pregnant with the one man your husband hates, with your husband in a hospital slash rehab facility?"

"If it meant I- if I meant Ciara could stay. I would do anything, be anything, give up anything, to keep her. You have a choice, Leda. I don't. We don't." I felt myself choking up. He was right. The truth was, I missed Denis like a part of my soul had been removed for examining by the entire world. I wanted nothing but to have this baby, and for it to be his. But that couldn't happen. So in the mean time, he's in the hospital, and I'm telling Danny I love him out of what feels like obligation. Bad things are not supposed to happen to Ben and Ciara. That's not how this works. Bad things happen to everyone else, to me, and to Denis. Not them. So why this. Why are they being torn apart. How do people believe in God when things like this happen? How could there be a God who lets this happen. Ben and Ciara were perfect for each other - Are, perfect for each other. So why is she being taken from him? How could there be a God that could take her away from us?

There was a knock on the door. It was Danny and Cam. James let them in and I stood wiping my eyes. "Think about what I said, Leda. Please." Ben squeeze my hand reassuringly. I nodded.

"Okay. I'll come back tomorrow. Tell her I said goodnight." He nodded and I walked to Cam and Danny. They were here to bring me home.

"Hey baby." Danny hugged me tightly. I resisted the urge to bawl my eyes out into his jacket. He kissed the top of my head. "I'm gonna talk to Ben for a few minutes, okay?" I looked up to meet his soft blue eyes. "Cam is gonna take you home, I'll be there soon." I sighed. He kissed my forehead again and walked over to Ben. I said goodbye to James and took one last look at Ciara before I left. Every day I did that, like I was trying to memorise the features of her face, trying to get one last glimpse. I didn't know when the last time I would see her would be. I didn't ever want to admit that one day I might arrive to see the worse has happened. So I took one last glance, and we were on our way. We got to my car, and I got in the passenger seat, and I cried. I cried every day when I left. It was so hard to be around everyone right now. It was hard just to be in the hospital. It was hard to know that Ben was losing the love of his life and I was pushing mine away. Cameron drove me home. When we arrived we went upstairs and sat on the couch. I picked at the now peeling fabric on the couch cushion. Without Denis around to slap my hands when I did it, I picked a hole and began pulling small pieces of the stuffing out. No matter how many times Danny stayed over, I never let him sleep in mine and Denis' bed. We slept in the guest room, or on the couch. I couldn't allow myself to let him on the bed that was not his. That side of the bed was Denis' and Denis' only. Cameron and I did not speak until Danny arrived. He sat down beside me, blocking my couch hole. I picked at my own cold fingers instead, not knowing what to do.

"What did you talk to Ben about?" The words fell from my lips like water from a tap someone had left on.

"Usual stuff. Ciara." Danny shrugged. I didn't know what the usual stuff was. Danny never told me. "How are you." I continued to blankly stare forwards.

"Nothing. That's how I am."

"Don't say that."

"This isn't what I wanted." I muttered. "None of this is what I wanted. I want to go back to my busy little life and get this stupid baby out of me already so I can actually do stuff and I want Denis back in this house and I want Ciara to go back home with Ben because everything is okay and she's all better. None of this is what I wanted. I want to go back." I let the tears fall, knowing I had hurt Danny.

"You don't want me in the picture." He said so quietly I was sure he didn't intend for me to hear. I looked at him.

"That's not what I meant. You know that."

"Then what did you mean, Leda? Cause I'm tired of guessing. Do you want this to be his baby, or mine. Do you want to be with me? Do you even want me around anymore?"

"Danny don't." Cam said quickly. "Not now."

"I'm sorry Cam, but I'm going to." Danny stood up and looked at me. I went back to picking at the couch hole. "Leda, you need to stop being bipolar here. Tell me what you want, Leda. You gotta tell me."

"I can't." I finally screamed. "I can't tell you Danny. I can't tell you what I want, because I don't know. I want everything to go back to normal but that can't happen and I don't want to lose you. So I don't really know what my options are at this point. Because everything seems to be going to absolute shit." Danny just looked down. "So don't fucking push me right now. Do not push me. Because I am holding on to my fucking sanity by a thread, and my hands are slipping."

"Leda I'm-"

"Leave."

"Leda I'm sorry." Danny said. He was right to be angry at me for doing this to him. But I was right to be upset about everything, so I didn't care.

"Leave!" I scream as loud as I possibly could and stomped my feet like a child. Danny grabbed his coat and closed the door behind himself. I walked into the bedroom and lied down on the bed, and cried into the pillow. So much time had passed that I forgot Cameron was even over until she came into the room. She lied down beside me, making sure to stay on my side of the bed. I was on Denis'. "What are we gonna do, Cam?" She thought for a moment.

"I don't know, Leda. This time, I just don't know.