Shaforostart It - THE SEQUEL (2016)

Chapter Fourteen

Ciara died twelve days after she told me she had cancer. She died twelve days after she told me she was dying. Her funeral was two days later. It was as if the whole world had been put on pause. Muted. The funeral was the first time we were all together after hearing the news, and no one spoke. No one said anything. No one smiled at each other, or made silly faces, or drank merrily, or asked how Jane was, or asked how my baby was. No one spoke. No one moved. The world was put on pause. Ben did not attend the funeral. It rained, and it was cold, and no one spoke. The words of the pastor fell on deaf ears. It was just us, and her family, and a few of her friends, and Ben's family. Seeing her parents was the worst. As if her mother's nonstop tears were the only sound that registered in my brain. As if seeing the pain, and loss in her brother eyes was the only colour that made sense, and even those were grey. As if seeing her father's empty stares as he held his broken family were the only, of all the silent actions in the room, that spoke a thousand words. Those were the worst things I think I have witnessed in my entire life. They finished the service - only Ben's mum, Ciara's brother, and Brandi spoke. I wasn't sure anyone else could manage like they did. Burying her was probably worse than any of it. We watched our friend, daughter, wife, or sister, we all watched her casket lower into the hole in the ground. Our cold, dead, Ciara, was six feet under. Everyone went home after that. No one spoke. I didn't hear a single comment, a single word from anyone. We all just went home. Upon arrival at Cameron's house, we sat on the couch in the living room, and continued the silence. Neither of us knew what to say. What can you say? What is there to say? Maybe I should call Ben. No. He's probably getting a lot of calls now. And he probably isn't answering. Maybe I could go over? No. We would just sit in silence together. We would just sit, and not talk, and be sad. Maybe I should call Brandi, or Haley. I should probably call Danny. Knowing what I probably should do didn't change things. I wasn't calling Danny that day. I wasn't calling anyone that day. I had finally found out what it was that he and Ben talked about when I wasn't around - it was the funeral arrangements. Danny wasn't at the funeral, I assumed he was with Ben. And in realising that, I didn't want to go see Ben at all. Because I didn't want to see Danny. We still hadn't talked since I kicked him out of my house. I didn't figure out what I wanted, and I didn't ask him to return, so he didn't call. I wasn't sure if he was planning on it any time soon either. Denis was at the funeral, but he did not make an attempt to get near me, or make eye contact, or interact with anyone whatsoever, so I knew he was just there for Ciara. He wasn't there for me. So, as far as I cared to know, everyone just sat in their houses, in silence, and moped. After about three hours of doing nothing with Cameron, she drove me home. When she parked in front of my building was the first time we spoke. "Do you want to come upstairs?" I asked.

"I really wish I knew what to say to make this easier. To make this better. To fix things. I really just wish I knew what to do. But this is killing me. So I think I'm just gonna go home, and cry some more, and sit in more silence." I sighed slightly, nodding.

"Okay. I love you."

"Love you too baby. Call me when you need me." I got out of the car, closed the door, and watched her drive away. I walked upstairs, holding my head low, and opened the door. It was sat ajar in the doorway. I pushed it opened curiously, and Denis was standing at the mouth of the hallway watching curiously. He sighed when he saw it was me, but stood at attention.

"Oh, Leda I just came because-" I ran over and wrapped my arms around him, tears streaming down my face as I sobbed into his chest. "I just came because I thought you might need someone." He said softly as he held me back so tightly

"I do." I cried so hard my chest burned. "I need you so bad." He rubbed my back and stroked the back of my hair and kissed the top of my head, and told me things would be okay. Just like he used to. Just like I needed him to. He picked me up like a baby, surprising me at my new weight, and carried me to the bed. He lied me down on the bed and crawled into it under the covers beside me. He just held me so tightly. He held me like he had never let me go in the first place. It was a few hours before I stopped crying. Another forty two minutes after that is when my breathing slowed, and I was calmed down. Denis just held me. "I don't know what to do." I said, his fingers tangled in mine in front of us. "I don't know how to fix this Denis."

"I know, Leda." He kissed my head. "You wanna know what Ben told me?" He said in soft whispers, calming. I already knew.

"That we have a choice?"

"Yeah." We both spoke quietly.

"I chose you." I turned to face him, our faces inches away. "I will always chose you. I just got too drunk to make a choice, I fucked up and I got caught and I am so so sorry."

"I know." He breathed. He didn't sound angry anymore. He had come to terms with my mistake - even if I hadn't. "Leda I have something to tell you." I raised my eyebrow. "Do you remember when we saw each other at the restaurant. I was with the guys, you were with Danny and Cameron?" I nodded. "Okay, the day before that, I was going to come home. I was standing outside the front door, and then I heard you and Danny laughing together, and I panicked, and ran back to Ben's house. He took me to a bar, and that's when I saw Dasha, for the first time in years. Ben went home, and me and Dasha were catching up. I got black out drunk." My heart sunk. I knew where this was going already. I found out, just before I went to that motel and...yeah. I found out she's pregnant." I closed my eyes as I processed everything. "And it was mine." I nodded. Denis is having a kid with Dasha. Denis is having a kid with another woman. I hurt him, so he got drunk, and fucked his ex, and got her pregnant. Denis fucked someone else. And then it occurred to me that this is likely not even half of how he felt about what I did, and then I wondered how he didn't actually kill himself. "I say was, because she got an abortion. Without telling me." And then I realized that it was the second time Denis had his child taken away from him. And then I was sure that I would have killed myself by now if I was him. But things slowly started to make sense. Why he went away. Why he did everything he did. He had his wife, his child, and another child, taken from him. So he gets nothing. Everything he did started to make sense.

"I'm so sorry, Denis." I said. He didn't look broken though. He looked warm. He didn't look sick, and drunk, and depressed.

"It's okay. I didn't really want to have a baby with her anyways. I will always chose you, I just got too drunk to make a choice." I sighed slightly, and felt a small smile creep into my lips.

"Denis I want you to come home. In fact, I don't want you to leave." I said, feeling myself getting teary again.

"I have to baby. I have to go back to the hospital soon. I have to finish getting better. And once I'm all better, I'll come back. I promise."

"You fucking better." I forced a laugh. And for the first time in months, I saw Denis smile.

I don't even know what to say about this chapter.