The Girl in the Mirror (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Sienna’s POV

We walk into my hotel suite, side by side. My head hurts still and I feel like shit. My lack of sleep, over indulgence in alcohol and copious amounts of sex are taking their toll on me. My ego is still wounded from Simon’s words, embarrassed that my insecurities are out on show. How could Simon throw me under the bus like that?
I’m so pissed off at him, but I am scared at the same time. I’m scared that Harry will believe everything Simon has said about me. I’m worried that he might start to doubt me, I don’t want him to doubt me in anyway.
We sit beside each other on the sofa, a significant gap between us. He doesn’t lean over to touch me, like he normally does. I turn to look at him, only briefly, and he wears a deep scowl on his face. He seems deep in thought and I want to ask him what he is thinking, but I haven’t got the guts. I become paranoid, convinced Simon’s words have made him doubt how I feel for him. I’m insecure and all I want is for him to tell me we are okay. I want to know he still feels the same about me.
I stay quiet though, worried if I speak it will give him free reign to question me. I’m not ready to answer any questions, especially about my past relationships. I will have to be truthful with him and I’m not ready for that. I don’t want to tell him who I was because I’m not like that anymore. I’m a different person now that I am with him. The men before him, all meant nothing and were nothing compared to what I have with him. He is the only person who has ever loved me and I have genuinely loved back. It wasn’t my fault the ones before him fell in love with me, I didn’t encourage them. I ended up breaking their hearts and I ended up blaming them for that, they shouldn’t have fallen in love with me so quickly.
I attempt to move closer to him on the sofa and he quickly stands up. He moves away from me and I am hurt by his clear rejection. I’ve never felt like this before, I’m not use to being rejected by anybody, especially not him. He walks towards the door and I stare at him, confusion laced on my face. What is he doing?

“I need to go and speak to the guys.”

He pulls his phone out of his pocket, concentrating on the screen. He starts to type away on his phone and I remain quiet, saying nothing.

“Niall’s text me, they’re all waiting in Paul’s suite for me.”

I nod, feeling empty at the distance being carved between us. He is being distant with me and I’m massively hurt by him. I don’t want this, I don’t want there to be tension between us. I want him to still like me, like he did before.

“They want to see me, so I’m going to go speak to them. I think it’s best I go alone, they’re all pissed off at me.”

He walks to the door, making me bite down on my lip to stop myself from crying and becoming emotional. I don’t want to be some stupid needy wife, but right now I am. I need some reassurance from him.

“You’ll come back when you’re done, won’t you?” I ask.

I hate this pathetic needy side of me. I am so not needy normally, but that was before him. He has made me need him and suddenly he is giving me nothing back.

“Yes, I’m not sure how long I will be though. I’m probably going to be a while.”

He goes to the door, turning the door handle and he opens the door.

“Harry.”

He stops, turning around to face me. He raises his eyebrows at me questionably, but I can see a worrying distance in his eyes. Where was the clear love from earlier today?

“Are we okay?”

I’m so fucking annoyed with myself. I hate how pathetic I sound. I never would have cared before, so why do I suddenly care about him going somewhere without me?

“Course we are.”

He doesn’t reassure me any further and instead he walks out of the door, shutting it behind him. My mind goes crazy, convincing myself that we aren’t okay. It’s clear to see we aren’t, I can see the distance between us. It’s a horrible feeling and it makes me feel guilty. I have treated him like this loads of times before and it isn’t nice when I’m the one being treated like this. The longer I wait for him the more paranoid I become and the more the voices seep their way back into my head. I can’t fight them anymore, not without him beside me.
The longer I wait for him, the worse I feel. I worry about why he is taking so long, and what the others have said to him. I keep pacing the suite, standing up and then sitting back down. I am growing more agitated as every second passes by. The voices in my head, growing stronger and coming in thick and fast. I try to ignore them, but I can’t. I’m not strong enough to ignore them, and the only person who can make me strong again is Harry.

‘He’s going to leave you, everyone always leaves you.’
‘He doesn’t even love you.’
‘You’ll always be alone.’
‘Nobody wants you.’

My hands wrap around my hair, pulling on it desperately. I pull hard, like it will make the voices disappear. My eyes fill with tears and I clinch my teeth together, willing the voices to shut up. I am so scared, scared that Harry is going to end what we have. The voices feed on my fear, knowing I can’t cope being alone. They use my fears against me, repeating the words I am terrified of hearing.
I want to make myself forget him, but he’s made me see what it’s like to really want someone. I can’t forget that feeling, not now. I know exactly what is going to happen, I know what those four bastards will do. They will all discourage him about our relationship, and put a downer on us. They will help seal my fate, meaning Harry will leave me, like everyone always does.
My mind is fixed by the thoughts of cocaine and vodka. I need them, either one of them, to help me function, again. I need them to save me, I can’t get through this without them. I try to push the need away, but I can’t.
The unfamiliar pain that consumes me starts to reduce, anger taking over instead. I am pissed off at Harry. How could he do this to me? How could he give up on me so easily? I know Simon said some horrible things, but Harry should know me better than that.
My imagination is running wild, imagining things Harry is thinking about me. There are so many different scenarios in my head and each one as painful as the previous. My anger isn’t going to disappear, it is slowly pushing me over the edge.
I search aimlessly, looking for something to destroy. My hands reach an ornament, I pick it up and I throw it viciously against the wall. My anger disintegrates slightly as the ornament smashes against the wall and breaks into tiny pieces. It breaks, like I am doing inside.
My anger is still surging though, provoking me further. Who the hell do these band mates of his think they are? They don’t know me, they don’t know Harry, not like I do. They don’t understand us, or the relationship we have.
My anger pushes me well and truly over the edge, making me lose full control. I rush around my suite, smashing everything up. I smash every ornament and vase I can lay my hands on. I tip the TV onto the floor, the cracking sound surging me on further. I smash the coffee table up, with my foot, smashing my heel into the wood.
I don’t stop, until my once exquisite suite is broken, smashed, and shattered. My body collapses to the floor, allowing me to try and catch my breath. The tears that have been threatening to fall, pour from my eyes, and I have no strength to stop them. I don’t even try to stop them, or to wipe them away. My vulnerability is latched onto me, by the voices inside my head.

‘Vodka will make it better’
‘Make the pain stop, have a drink’

I can’t think about it anymore, I instead allow my instincts to take over. I rush to my feet, scurrying over the destruction, until I reach the mini bar. It’s the only thing in the suite, which I haven’t destroyed. I couldn’t destroy it, knowing everything I need is inside it.
I drag the door to the mini bar open, rummaging desperately inside for the one thing I need. I find what I need, my hands wrapping around the miniature bottles of vodka, which lay inside. I open them, hands shaking, lifting the bottle to my mouth and swallowing the contents in one, one after another. The vodka lasts me mere seconds, so I drink every other alcoholic drink inside it, even the whiskey, which I don’t like. I don’t care what they are though, I will drink anything to lose this feeling inside. I want to feel numb.
I stay on the floor, surrounded by empty small bottles. Every second that ticks by, I feel as if I am being dragged further into the black hole, which I have created. The longer I sit here, doing nothing, the more my mind gets clouded by insecurity and uncertainty. Fuck! I can barely even think straight.
I am up on my feet, before I even know what I am doing and I stagger towards the balcony. I pull open the sliding doors, stepping out into the cold air. The wind blows, making my skin feel tingly in a good way. I like the way the wind makes me feel something different. I walk out to the edge of the balcony, looking over the wall at the ground below. The view is breath taking, but I don’t feel anything as I stare down at it.
The brick wall comes to my chest, making it safe for anyone coming out here. The furniture out here is stunning and the plants add to the greenery theme they are going for. The view shows it is a long way down, and shows how big New York is. There is so much to see, and I can’t see it, being trapped in here. I find myself wondering what it would feel like to fly.

Why am I not a bird? Why can’t I just fly away from the mess?

I can’t think straight, the cold air making me feel drunk. The alcohol feels like it is slowly taking over me, and all my thoughts. I can’t control myself, I can’t stop my body from dragging me up on to the top of the brick wall. I swing my legs as they dangle over the edge of the balcony. My hands hold on to the wall, steadying myself as the wind picks up and blows against my body hard. I close my eyes, imagining myself flying through the air. I want to fly so much. Why can’t I fly?

Harry’s POV

I stand awkwardly in Paul’s hotel suite, allowing myself to be attacked. I have had to stand here and endure the five of them ganging up on me, continuing their screaming assault. My blood is starting boil, pissing me off more with every word they day. I haven’t even been given the chance to answer their endless questions, or to defend myself. They all think they can scream at me, and I’ll just stand here taking it. Well, I don’t fucking think so, I’m not having it.
They think they know everything, about my relationship with Sienna, but they have no idea. They have no idea what we have, fuelling my anger more as they bad mouth my relationship. I clench my fists tightly, they hang by my sides and they tense up more, with every word they speak.
I have to listen to them saying she is a bad influence on me and that she is changing me. They claim the Harry before her wouldn’t do something so careless, so inconsiderate of other people’s feelings. I try to count to ten in my head, anything to remain calm, but I blow. They push me to my limit and I can’t bite my tongue anymore.

“You’ve no fucking clue what it’s like being in love! You don’t have a fucking clue what we have, or who she is. I love her, so why can’t you understand that?”

My voice bellows through the room, matching the tone and decimals their voices have reached with me. My eyes burn into him, as Zayn has the audacity to fucking laugh at me. My fists tighten, teeth clenching together, as I am ten seconds away from smashing his teeth down his fucking throat. I fucking hate him, I have always hated him, and now I hate him more than I ever thought possible.

“I’m engaged” he states “Obviously, I know about being in love.”

He speaks to me like I am a child, a stupid child, with no clue about the world. He may believe he loves Perrie, but it is nothing compared to what I have with Sienna. There has never been anything that compare to what we have. If he really loved Perrie how I love Sienna, he wouldn’t betray her every time we are on tour.
The longer I stay here, letting their hateful words seep in, the more I realise how far apart we all are. They don’t understand me anymore, nor do they want too. The more I listen to them, the stronger my feelings for Sienna are, and the more I can’t believe they don’t get this.

“Well, why don’t you understand then?” I ask him.

If he is an expert on love, like he seems to believe he is, then why doesn’t he get how I feel. Why doesn’t he understand this overpowering feeling of love? A feeling that’s so deep, I have no control over it.

“You’ve known her two fucking minutes! You can’t love her, love needs time to develop.”

There he goes again, the fucking love expert, spouting off his bullshit.

“I know how I feel” I defend myself and Sienna.

I stare around the room, trying to prove my point to all of them, so they all get the message too. The only thing they are doing is pushing me further towards Sienna, and pushing me further away from them. Why can’t they realise that? Why can’t they see that Sienna and I are meant to be together? I’m drawn to her, we’re like two magnets, and we will always be connected.

“It’s not even about you loving her” Louis pipes up again “It’s the impact all of this shit has had on the rest of us. Do you think it’s just a big fucking joke? That it’s funny you fucked off to Vegas, without telling any of us. Is that fucking fair?”

I know what he is saying, but they are blowing this out of proportion. It isn’t as big of a deal, as they are making it out to be. This whole conversation should be over now, apologies done, and accepted, but they aren’t having it.

“What’s the big deal? It was just a couple of days, no harm done.”

I try and defend myself, but their faces screw up into anger, showing me they aren’t letting this go yet.

“It was only a day, or so, when you fucked off to LA as well” Louis snaps.

I should have known that arsehole would take over, leading this assault on me. He always has to be the one to take control because he thinks he’s the leader. He also always thinks he’s right, that’s just him though, arrogant prick. I open my mouth, wanting to have my say, but he holds his hand up, silencing me. I am fucking fuming, right now.

“So, we’re all just meant to be okay, when you decide to fuck off, whenever you want? It’s all okay because you say it’s just a couple of days” Louis continues.

“What would you think if it was one of us? You’d be furious if we had to cancel rehearsals, and interviews because one of us disappeared. You wouldn’t be okay with it, would you?” Liam joins the attack.

I start to feel guilty, knowing where they are coming from. I sigh, knowing I am in the wrong, but why can’t they just let it go.

“I’m sorry” I force the words to leave my mouth “I just needed a break.”

They know that I didn’t need the break, they know me better than that. I’m disappointed when Niall shakes his head, I hadn’t expected him to join in.

“No, Sienna needed the break” he states.

He’s right, it was Sienna who needed this break. She’s my wife now though. It isn’t just about what I want, it’s about what she needs as well.

“What she needs, I need too.”

Louis shakes his head angrily, making my eyes draw to him.

“Just remember who has always been here for you and who always will be. She’s just another girl, girls come and go, but friends don’t” Louis states.

I almost want to laugh in disbelief at his words. Friend? He isn’t my friend. A true friend would support me, they wouldn’t be trying to destroy me, and my happiness.

“She’s not just some other girl!” I snap “She’s my wife.”

I’m not staying here a second longer, I refuse to listen to this bullshit anymore. I don’t say another word, my angry gaze, hitting each one of them. I storm out of the suite, slamming the door behind me loudly. I’m not wasting any more of my time, trying to explain to them why I went away. They will never understand, no matter what I say. I’d rather spend my time with the one person who understands me.

I walk back to Sienna’s suite, trying to calm myself down, before I reach her. I don’t want her to see me this worked up and angry. I don’t want her to know what those arseholes think about us, or for her to see how badly their disapproval has got to me. She will be furious if she knows how much they have upset me. She would want to confront them, and this time I wouldn’t be able to say no. I think they deserve it, they deserve everything they get.
I reach her door, taking a deep breath and calming myself, before I open the door. I was a dick earlier with her, I was off with her, but not purposely. I just had a lot on my mind, I was anxious about seeing the guys, and needed a few minutes to myself, to gather my thoughts. I shouldn’t have taken it out on her, she didn’t deserve that. I just get pissed off at how hard everyone is on us all the time. I feel like everyone is trying to make me see the bad in her, trying to push me to leave her. I won’t though, I will never leave her.
I open the door, walking inside and as I do, destruction hits me. The suite is completely trashed, everything is smashed, and nothing is unturned. My stomach lunges, making me feel sick. My heart races and sheer panic fills me. My instincts tell me to be concerned for my girl, worried what has happened. Is she okay? Has someone broken in here?
I stare around the room desperately, trying to find something to tell me what has happened. I don’t shout, just in case the perpetrator is still here. I carefully step through the destruction, quietly looking around the suite. The further into the suite I am, I notice the balcony doors are open and the curtains blow wildly, wind sweeping into the suite.
My gut tells me something is wrong, really wrong. I nervously walk to the balcony doors, moving the curtains out of my way. My stomach drops, literally falls out, as I stare out onto the balcony. It takes everything I have not to shout out, or make any sound.
I feel like my eyes are deceiving me, but I know they’re not. My eyes aren’t lying, it’s Sienna’s silhouette standing on the balcony ledge. Her arms are outstretched at her sides, her body stiff and firm. The wind whips her hair around furiously, showing how strong the wind is up here. My heart is in my throat, making me barely able to breathe. It will only take one big gust of wind to knock her off the balcony and making her fall to her death. It will be that simple for her life to end. Why the fuck is she doing this?
My hands are shaking, my heart beating furiously, and my stomach churning. I can’t speak, or make a single sound. I am scared that if I do, I will startle her, and make her fall to her death.
I quietly make my way out onto the balcony, ensuring I move slowly, so I don’t startle her. I get closer to her and as I do, I hear the words she keeps repeating. Her words sound insane, literally insane.  

“I’m a bird.”

She repeats those words, over and over again. I have no idea what is going through her head, I wonder if she even knows. She sounds insane, completely insane. I knew she has issues, mainly with alcohol and drugs, but this is some new shit. This is the sort of thing you get locked up for, making me worry for her stability.
I reach her, standing behind her, without her even realising it. I can hardly think straight, my mind too engulfed in worry for her safety. I quickly throw my arms around her waist, holding her tightly, and I pull her off the balcony. I drag her body to the ground, before she has chance to realise what is going on. She looks startled, looking back at me, like I’ve lost it, which makes me lose it. I fucking lose it.

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!”

My words come out in flustered screams, but they don’t get the desired affect I want from her. She isn’t startled, or even worried by my words. She just stares at me, like I’m the crazy one who’s just tried to kill myself.

“Flying” she replies calmly.

I can smell the alcohol on her breath, whiskey filling my senses. Her eyes are bloodshot, glazing over, and her cheeks are flushed pink. I quickly pull her up off the floor, dragging her inside the suite. I shut the doors behind us, standing in front of it, so she can’t get back out there. She thankfully doesn’t resist, she just allows me to take her inside. My eyes dart around the suite, soon finding the empty alcohol bottles, which lay empty on the floor. I am so frustrated with her. Why does she always do this? Why does she keep spoiling herself with drugs and alcohol?

“How much have you drank?”

“A few” she shrugs.

She is acting like her behaviour is normal, like it is okay to think you can fly. My anger builds, the calmer she remains. Does she realise how unfair she is being? This isn’t fair, I am trying to be there for her, but she is making it really hard.

“What have you done in here?”

I want answers from her, I want to know what is going on inside her head. I want some answers, but like always she is reluctant to give them to me.

“I didn’t do this.”

She stares around the room, looking like she is in shock. Has she gone insane? She sits down in an exhausted heap on the floor, knocking the debris out of her way. I feel pathetic at being so hurt and angry by her behaviour. I should have known she’d let me down.

“You promised me. I told you I’d leave you the next time you took something.”

I mean it, I’m not putting up with this. Her eyes open widely, panic spreading across her face. She grips my leg, wrapping her hands around it, in desperation.

“I didn’t touch drugs, I swear. I just had a few drinks, that’s all. I just want to know how it feels, how it feels to fly. I just wanted to forget all the troubles, like the birds, and fly.”

She’s gone mad, she isn’t making any sense. What the hell has happened to her? She was fine earlier, before I left everything was okay.

“You’re not making any sense.”

I bend down to her, so our eyes meet. I take her hand in mine, trying to understand her words.

“I wanted us to be like the birds, I wanted us to fly.”

I am consumed by fear, fear of what she will do next. The girl I knew yesterday, the happy girl, seems to have gone. Her eyes now look heavy, she looks exhausted and she closes her eyes, laying her body down on the floor. I watch her, fall asleep on the floor. I can’t believe what she has done to the suite and I feel sick, knowing what she could have done if I hadn’t come back when I did.
I feel like I have the weight of the world is on my shoulders, and I can’t shake the burden with anyone. It seems like every time I leave her, something bad happens, but I can’t be with her all the time. What am I going to do? I don’t know how I am going to be able to live like this.