The Girl in the Mirror (Harry Styles fanfic)

Chapter 67

Chapter 67

Zayn’s POV

I slam the taxi door shut behind me. The rain hits me as it pours from the sky but I don’t care. I can’t care right now. I walk slowly to my front door allowing the rain to soak my coat and my hair through. What the fuck have I done? I haven’t been able to think straight all the way home and my head is spinning. My head aches as I reach the door. I feel sick. How am I going to do this? How am I going to face Perry after what I have done? How could I have done this to her again? How could I have messed everything up? I can’t have messed this up again. I had just managed to get us back onto a good path. We have just managed to start being happy again.

I don’t know why I did it. I don’t know why I went around to see Sienna. I shouldn’t have gone to see her. I knew it was wrong, I knew it was wrong from the moment I spoke to her. I knew it was wrong when I saw her name flashing up on my phone. I knew it was wrong as I heard her sweet voice asking me to go and see her. I knew from the moment I called a taxi that this was going to happen. I knew I wouldn’t be able to resist her. I can’t pretend I didn’t know what I was doing because I did. I knew I would go around and we would end up fucking. I knew from the moment her name came up on my phone that this was going to happen. I couldn’t resist her and she took advantage of that. She always takes advantage of me and the way I feel about her.

I don’t know why I was so stupid. Why was I stupid enough to start this again? I can’t get tangled back up in this web of deceit. I’m under no illusions though that I am already too late. I am already in too deep. I need to face reality, I need to face Perry. I unlock my front door and I walk inside. I am filled with dread as I hear the sound of Perry’s laughter fill my house, our house. She’s home, she’s always home. I take my coat off and I let it fall to the floor. I haven’t got the strength to even pick it up. I shut the door behind me and I place my house keys on the side. I have to face her but I don’t know how I am even going to be able to look at her.

I slowly make my way to the living room door. I reluctantly stop beside it and I peer inside. I see Louis and Eleanor sitting in my living room talking to Perry. I feel like shit as I take in the frame of the woman I am supposed to love. I don’t love her though. I can’t love her can I if I keep doing this to her. I hear Perry laugh at something Louis says and I close my eyes miserably. This is the last thing I need to deal with, I don’t want to deal with Perry let alone Eleanor and Louis too. I don’t want them to be here. “Babe” Perry calls and I paste on a fake smile as I step into their view so they can see me. “Hi” I say trying to act normal but I don’t feel normal. I feel anything but normal. Perry smiles happily at me and she looks almost excited. I wish I could have the same enthusiasm as she does for our relationship. I never have though and I don’t think I ever will.

“Hey mate” Louis says and I nod at him in acknowledgement. I don’t feel like talking but I know that they’re not going to give me a choice. I stand at the door unsure of what I should be doing. I shouldn’t feel this uncomfortable in my own house. “We have news” says Eleanor and I can tell she is excited. I should be interested in what she has to say and her news but I’m not. I don’t care about their news. I have too much going on in my head to even think straight and take in her words and news. I try to show I care but I don’t. I don’t care.

I can’t help thinking of Harry. I hate him. I blame him for this, I blame him for all of this. He has to fuck everything up all the time. If he hadn’t been such a prick lately. If he hadn’t fucked off and stopped us all from working then this wouldn’t have happened. I wouldn’t have been able to go and see Sienna in the first place. I wouldn’t have been able to meet up with her. He ruins everything. He does these things without even realising it. “Is everything ok?” Louis asks and I look at him. I’m acting strange I know I am but I can’t change it, I can’t act any different. There is too much in my head to even try to function properly. I nod because it’s easier than speaking. I don’t want to talk to anyone at the moment. I feel trapped here, I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I feel like they are trapping me here forever. They are trapping me into a life I don’t want to live. I shouldn’t have left Sienna. I shouldn’t have told her this was over because I want to be with her. I want her, I can’t deny it anymore. I can’t keep kidding myself and Perry that she is the one I want to be with. She isn’t Sienna. She never will be. I have been waiting for something well someone better to come along all this time.