Sonder

| 17 | - Sounds Good (Filler)

{ 7/15/17 - 1:23 pm }

Caring for a child at a young age while being heartbroken, and going to work is a hard task. I barely eat, or sleep. There is no more me time, but as long as she gets all that she needs and is happy, I'll be fine. I sacrifice my all for my child, because my mother never did for me.

I've endured some drastic changes, and the emotions that came with them all by myself. My sister lessons the load with her being by my side.

Yesterday, July 14th at exactly 3:46 in the morning, I got a call that my brother had been gunned down. My brother was one of the most important to me, and knowing my daughter wont have the privilege to grow up knowing her Uncle Stokes first hand, hurts me more than ever.

I have never been one to want to cause any harm on to myself, but with a new baby, no consistent baby father, and the death of my older brother, I damn sure felt the pressure. I don't feel lost, but I'm managing to pull it all together, by the grace of God.

Swift's Pull Up sounded through my car speakers, the sun beamed on me, and the beauty of the day actually brightened my mood some. Kyari sat strapped in her car seat behind my chair, singing along to the music as best as she could. Pulling up to the apartment complex, immediately made me nervous. I haven't seen much of Brandon, and I'm sure he would be taken back by my new look- My long dark brown hair now cut and styled into a short do underneath the blonde full lace unit I made.

Grabbing Kyari and her diaper bag, I walked inside to the lobby of his complex, and jumped on to the elevator. With every floor passed, my nerves increased. Stepping out the elevator, it took nothing but a few feet to get to his apartment. Apprehensively, my small hand made a fist, and knocked on his door. There he stood in the doorway, his big curls were pulled back into a neat bun, and he dressed casually with a white t, and some grey sweat pants.

"Wassup Bri?" He gave me a slight head nod, before grabbing Kyari's black car seat out of my hands, and moving back so I could walk. His apartment was nothing less than what I expected it to be. Brandon has always been a neat freak, so I figured it would be clean and well kept.

Brandon wasn't active everyday in Kyari's life, but when he is , it is like her whole world lit up. She knew he was her father, and loved every moment of his playful behavior. He always made her laugh, and the behaviors she picked up from him made us all laugh.

"Hey daddy's princess." He cooed softly, a smile covering his face, and this bright twinkle in his eye. Kyari instantly began to react- grabbing his face, smiling, and screaming at the top of her lungs. Whenever she smiles, I smile, so I enjoyed this moment just as much as she did.

Kyari and Brandon had a ball. They played games, he read books to her, and they watched Moana together. Kyari lay on his chest, as I sat beside them on the sofa.

"Brielle." Brandon's voice held an apprehensive tone- like he wants to tell me something but doesn't know how. Not even saying anything, I simply removed my gaze from my Twitter feed, and turned towards him.

"I um-" He paused and looked down at Kyari, and squinted his eyes. He's nervous. "I apologize for everything I put you through. Everything that I am putting you through. I left you at the worst time, and I am sincerely sorry for that. I know having a child is new to the both of us, but the idea of actually being her father scared me- probably more than it scared you. You had someone to look up to, some ideas on how to be a parent the way you feel is correctly, and I never had that. I had to get my head on straight, and leaving seemed to be the best option at the moment."

Everything he said to me, stuck. Yet, a lot seemed like an excuse. Brandon has a habit of taking the easy way out of things, and I despised that about him. He would either make you wanna leave by pushing you away, or leave himself when times got hard.

"I hear you Brandon, yet you should've thought of that before you fucked me without protection knowing I wasn't on any contraceptives. We both knew what we were doing, so you leaving because you got scared seems like a shitty ass excuse to me. There is no reason my daughter should not have the pleasure with waking up to her father everyday, or seeing him more than twice every few weeks. I barely had a father, and I am not putting my daughter through that." Tear stood guarded at the brim of my eye lids. I counseled myself before this visit, so allowing them to fall is a no no.

I will not allow this to break me.

"You already left me Brandon, don't leave her. She needs you." My words sounded as a whisper. I couldn't say them any louder or my voice would crack. His brown eyes softened once they met mine.

{ 7/16/17 - 5:03 pm }

"Get up." Jaii pulled the cover off of my body. I had finally given myself time to mope since Brandon took Kyari for a day or two. Yes, it isn't good to mope, but that's all I wanted to do at the moment.

"Jaii, I'm fine."

"No you're not. You, Mona, and I are going out tonight. Get up, go shower, and put on some clothes so we can go get pampered and ready."

"Jaii-"

"Brielle, I was telling you not asking."

Getting out of bad, seemed to be a struggle. My limbs heavy, and my mood somber.

After taking a long, relaxing shower, I threw on some black Pink leggings, and the matching jacket, my black Fenty Puma slides. My blonde hair sat in a messy top bun. Staring in the mirror, I immediately felt worse. My skin now pale, and my eyes accompanied by many bags. I look exactly how I feel- exhausted.

There was hope in me. Slight hope that this day will actually pick up my spirits, and help me return to who I once was.

If I even remember who I was.

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This book is coming to end. 3 more chapters left. I love and appreciate all of you guys. 

Kyari and baby Brandon above ! 

I apologize for any mistakes and the briefness. This is a filler