Sonder

| 09 | - Love On The Brain

{ 1/10/2016 ; 8:35 pm }

♪ Must be love on the brain,
That's got me feeling this way.
It beats me black and blue,
But it fucks me so good
And I can't get enough ♪

Rihanna's sweet sound echoed off the bathroom walls as I sat in my porcelain tub filled with bubbles, coconut oil, and rose petals. I need this- this sense of relaxation. My mind is racing, going hundreds of miles an hour. I know I am stupid for allowing him to play with my feelings, but I just want him. I want him to love me.

♪ Baby keep loving me
Just love me
Yeah, just love me
All you need to do is love me, yeah
Got me like, ah-ha-ha-owww
I'm tired of being played like a violin
What do I gotta do to get in
your motherfuckin' heart ♪

Pulling the pearled blunt to my lips, I took a long drag allowing my lungs to fill with smoke before exhaling in the space around me.

"Baybeh." His calls fell upon death ears as I lay my head back and enjoyed my relaxing bath and blunt. James Joint blared through the speakers, and I turned it up.

I don't regret anything we did. Brandon is and will forever be my first love. What I regret is allowing him to have whatever hold he has on me. I regret my lack of self control.

♪ I don't mean to really love ya'
I don't mean to really care about ya',
no more ♪

"Brielle!" The constant banging on the door and his yells ceased. The once hot water surrounding me grew cold, my skin wrinkled, and my blunt was now finished. Pushing myself to my feet, I stepped onto the plush rug and wrapped my towel around my body tightly as I turned off my music. Before walking out into my room, I patted myself damp and made sure everything was straight in my bathroom.

{ 2/23/12 - 5:36 pm }

"Brielle, why do ya' still stick around when you know he ain't changing?" My brothers words stuck in my head. Sadly, I can not give him answer. Brandon is all I know, so even when I try to detach, I feel like I'm being unloyal.

Yet, today, I have opened my eyes. The image of my first everything walking hand in hand with another female with a smile gracing his face, sickened me. More than any thought of me possibly being pregnant could.

The dial tone rung lowly in my ear as I awaited for him to pick up. Nervous was an understatement at this point, my nerves are in shambles and my stomach  is doing flips and tricks.

"Helluh'?"

"Uh, hey. Can you come over I need to talk to you."

"I'm busy righ' na' ma, what ya' need?"

"Uh, Brandon. I think, um," there was a slight pause in my words as my nerves took over me, "I think I'm pregnant."

"What you mean, think, baybeh ya' is or ya' not."

"I don't fucking know Brandon. I am too scared to take a test." He huffed loudly. You can hear the aggravation in his tone of voice.