One More Drink

02 | ketana

02
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k e t a n a

Hinihingal akong lumabas ng dance floor; hindi makapaniwala sa ginawa ko kanina. Why I did it to him? Ganoon ba ako ka desperada? Urgh, this is not me; this is unusual.

"Ketana!"

I can hear my name from the crowd. I close my eyes and wait for another utterance. Hindi ako gumagalaw, pinipikit ko ang aking mga mata. I don't have the face to look back; I don't have the right to defend myself. Ako mismo ang nagpahiya sa sarili ko; sa harapan pa ng isang Abueldo!

All I am thinking about is my stupidity. Why I allowed him to touch every corner of my body?

"Ketana, please come back!" I can hear my name again.

Since then, I was like a candle that was left melting. Oo, isa ako sa mga taong iniwang unti-unti nang nawawala. I am one of those people who never had the chance to be heard nor to be loved. Kahit ang ama ko ay ayaw sa akin. Bakit lahat ng kamalasan ay napunta sa akin?

Now, I inhale and awkwardly face him. Parang wala akong mukha na maipagmamalaki sa kanya. He's unreachable, mahirap abutin at angkinin.

"Please stop this show, Niel!" I shout.

I can still smell his fume. Every angle of him reminds me on how I maneuvered my hands to his perfect body. Ang mabalahibong kamay niya ay nagpadagdag ng kagwapuhan niya. His sweat dampens his white polo shirt making his broad chest reveal. Ramdam ko rin ang paglabas pasok ng hininga niya; parang lahat ng galaw niya ay kabisado ko na.

"Don't call me 'Neil'. I think it would be better if you used Nathan."

I beam. I just want him to know how strong I am. Tama lang na gantihan ko siya ng isang ngiti. This is usual if someone trying to talk to. Kaya ito ang ginagawa ko ngayon. Letting him say everything that he wanted to say. Besides, matagal ko na ring hinihintay ang pagkakataong ito. So, let him take enough time.

"Fine, Nathan," I answer.

"Why you left me? Hindi mo ba alam na binitin mo ako?" His brilliant smile shines despite the dim place.

"I just did the right choice. Hindi na tama ang isusuko ko na lang ang pagkababae ko." My grin raises leaving him a curious look.

"But you started it at first. I feel like I'm a sterile and impotent after our quick play." pagdudugtong niya.

Lalong ngumisi ako. I smile at the irony of it. I don't expect that the man I was looking for a long time is now making an excuse to me. Isn't it ridiculous? It may be. Akala ko, ako lang ang naghahabol dito? I never thought Nathaniel, I mean Nathan is capable of asking like this way. I was wrong; I am wrong up to this time. Maybe this is just a chance for me that I will be knowing him even more.

"It is not already my fault if I made you feel like you're sterile and impotent. I don't give a f*ck."

Akma na sana akong tatalikod nang bigla niyang hinatak ang baywang ko. His movement is motile - like a train leading to its destination at the full speed. Without any hesitation, we're now standing in the crowd of people.

"Please stop, Nathan. This is not good." I murmur.

I keep on cursing him but Nathan lightly grasps my waist, holding still, as he has owned me. He lowers his head.

"Nathan." My voice quavers and I draw a quick breathe, sending my nervousness to him.

Bigla nalang tumulo ang mga luha ko. A white and crystal-like water drop down my face. My vision blurs and all I am thinking is my affection toward him.