fuck his promises. || jc caylen

twelve,

*this chapter has self harm & is hella long srry. :(:*

"Will she ever wake up?!"
"Fuck I have no idea!"
"Dammit I fucking hate Brett."

I hear faintly Kirra, Morgan and Noahs voices.
"Hey can you guys shut up? I'm trying to sleep." I say turning to my side.

"LAUREN!" Noah yells picking me up from Kirra's bed that I was all of a sudden in, He didn't let go of me. Noah just held me in his arms for maybe a minute then slowly letting me down to my feet, He's 6'4" and I'm 5'7" so it was quiet a difference.

"Whats going on?" I ask as they all just stare at me. All three of them start talking at once, I hush them and have one person talk as they we recapturing what happened my mind just went blank. Not at the fact that I was bored or anything but the fact that whatever Brett wanted to do even scared Noah, they're best friends may I add. After they all tell me what had happened I was totally lost, all I wanted to do was sit around with these three losers for my last couple days in Washington. " Oh yeah and it's Sunday." Morgan added in quickly.

"Wait?! What?! No it can't be, I was out all Saturday?! I only have a day left here?!"

No one answered me, instead they all gave me a group hug that had to be as long as five minutes. We talk about what I wanted to do for my last day here, I first wanted to go to the skatepark, get some ice cream, than come back to Kirra's and binge watch American Horror Story and we did just that.

It was about noon and we had just finished up at the skateboard, yes I know all four of us can skate it somehow is a shocker to some people, well not the fact that Noah can but that us three girls can. We skateboard to Baskin Robins that wasn't too far, we ordered our ice cream and sat in the surprisingly green lawn right next to the shop. Morgan and Kirra had gone to McDonalds across the street because they were craving chicken nuggets.

Noah and I were finished with our ice cream by now and were just laying in the lawn listening to the cars drive by and the sun shine on our face even though it was still around 60 degrees.

"So, California?" Noah asked breaking the silence.
"Yeah I thought it would be best to get out of here." I saw shrugging, sitting up. Noah sits up as well and put his hand in mine.
"Are you okay Lauren?" I tried not to move or flinch "I'm fine." I reply with a little nod.
"Fine is not okay. I mean are you not sad everyday?" He says gripping my hand harder
"I am sad, a lot. But I try to have it overpass and see the positive." I say with a fake smile
"So trying to slit your wrist till you bleed out is the positive?" Noah says.

His reply left me in shock. Noah and I had been best friends freshman year, but as he got more popular and I got more of a loser we separated. I had self harmed since the seventh grade and Noah had always known, he had always been my counselor, but when we drifted I never found that in anyone again and just started to cut deeper.

"Whatever keeps me sane." I snap back with taking my hand away from him and picking at the grass now.
"Lauren its not healthy.. have you been eating?"

Dammit why did this guy have to know everything about me?? Yes I'm bulimic, do I feel better after I throw up? 100% but I know it's not good for me but it somehow makes me feel better.

"I've been eating." I saw turning my head to him, "Just flushing it away soon after." I say making eye contact.

He stared into my eyes, as I did stare into his. How couldn't I.. I was head over heels for this dude in the ninth grade.

Noahs p.o.v
God I loved this girl, and she was leaving tomorrow. How the hell did I just let her out of my gripe? Oh yeah because I'm a huge prick, that's probably what she's thinking right now. Lauren is the most tragically beautiful human I've ever met or seen. Dammit it's all because of me that she wanted to kill her self, I was always there for her and them one day I just left her in the dirt. I've never let it down. I've beat myself up about it everyday and when I found out that she was moving I couldn't do it. I never thought I would ever do anything like this to myself but I broke apart of a shaving blade and used it. Yes, I self harmed about three days ago Lauren probably thought nothing of my long sleeves, no one probably did. And that's were I had wished I had stopped but I called a friend I had and spent all my money on heroin. Okay yes I know wtf Noah what the hell is wrong with you why didn't you just smoke some weed, doesn't fuck you up. Because I was in the moment and trust me I thought about it but I just needed something that would take all the pain away and cutting just didn't do it.

Lauren's p.o.v.
By now it had been five minutes of me and Noah just staring into each others eyes and I didn't know what it was but his eyes seemed dull, You know when you mix a bunch of different colors together and it turns brown? Like paint or pencils. I guess the darkness of brown eyes is just a mixture of all that someone has to offer to the world, and all that someone has received from the world. In a metaphorical sense, that is. Like all of the stories, the laughs, and the potential in someone. It all shows through the brown eyes. All the moments that make someone love life or question life... All of that, through those deep brown eyes, guess brown eyes aren't a bore. I always thought that about Noah but they just seemed bland now, they seemed dark.

"Speaking of being okay.. are you?" I ask breaking the silence of probably 10 minutes.
"In all honesty.. yeah I'm feeling pretty good." He says puffing his chest out.
"What was the pause for?"
"What pause?"
"Honestly.. yeah.?"
"I don't know. Dramatic effect."
"Whats up with you Noah?"
"What do you mean?"

I turn my body to face straight at him as he does the same.
"Your eyes..-"
"Well what? What about them?"
"There dark and dull. They used to be so sparkly and full of energy."
"I could say the same for you."
I hit his forearm and he twitched, I all of a sudden got a bad feeling in my stomach. I looked at Noah and he was already staring at me almost waiting for my to look.
"Noah..?"
"Lauren I'm not okay if that was what you were looking for."
"Can I..?" I asked inferring to lifting up his sleeve. He nods and I roll them up slowly. I see cuts from about two days ago and there was about five to ten all deep to the point were his skin was basically open. And then I look higher up and see needle stabs, I tilt my head at him
"Drugs.?" "Heroin." he replies almost too fast.
I let down his sleeve and look at him. "Noah you and I need help. I know that I'm not ready, and maybe you're not either. But just in case we're not ready we have each other okay.?" I say putting my hand on his. He looks at me and nods, I pull him into a hug as Morgan and Kirra walk up with three bags of McDonalds.

"I thought you guys were just getting chicken nuggets?" I ask
"Well we did."
"Those three bags are just for chicken nuggets?" Noah says.
"Yeah."
"Then why did it take so long?"
"Well we had a bunch of other things on the menu while we were there."
"Jesus Christ." I laugh rolling my eyes and picking up my board.

We all ride to Kirra and make a change of clothes as Kirra lent me some. We all huddled together with me in Noahs arms on a huge bean bag chair with our 60 chicken nuggets lots of dipping sauce, and genuine happiness for the first time in a while for all of us.