fuck his promises. || jc caylen

thirteen,

Today was the day. Today was the day I start my life as a full youtuber. Today is the day that all my sadness or at least most of it stops. Today was the day I moved to California, left Washington and moved in with six guys.

I packed all my stuff and Kirra,Morgan and Noah all came by to say goodbye. Noah and I never talked about anything after our ice cream trip but we plan to call and text each other.

By 8'o clock sharp Danny was at my doorstep ready to fly me to the airport. My dad was at work and had zero idea that I was leaving so I decided to leave him a "sweet" little note. I hug Kirra and Morgan one last time. I then look at Noah and he mouths out love you; I blushed and kissed him on the cheek. Danny grabs my big bag walking to the car as I follow with my carry on waving to my friends.

Danny and I probably didn't talk for about an hour, I live in a small town of only 20,000 so the nearest airport is in Seattle two hours away. We just listened to music on the radio and sang along.

We finally pulled up to the airport, Danny and I had said our goodbyes and he would be down hopefully every month to see how things were doing. I looked for the sign with Los Angeles , California. I then hear the women on the loud speaker announce that my flight was leaving in 15 minutes. I get my bag checked and go through security, I hold onto my carry on and get on I rush to my plane and get there just before they close the gates. I pull out my phone and text Connor because he's supposed to be my ride.

L:"Hey Connor just got on the plane about to take flight. You're still my ride right?"

C:"Hey Lauren!! Ohhhhh exiting & yes of course I am, LAX is crazy so I'll find a way to find you so you don't get your little hometown booty lost."

L:"Thanks for lookin out for me ;)"

C:"Anytime. :))"

Last time I flew on a plane was when I went to New York with my orchestra my 9th grade year. But that was four years ago and I had friends to comfort me. It's just me some business lady and an old guy at the window seat. I plug in my earbuds and play Troye Sivan Blue Neighborhood, The 1975 self titeled and I Like It When You Sleep For You Are So Beautiful Yet So Unaware albums and Warhol by Acid Ghost.

*IF YOU DONT KNOW ANY OF THOSE ALBUMS I RECOMMEND YOU TO CHECK THEM OUT*

I was woke up by the business lady elbowing me "Honey we're about to land." She says smiling at me, "Oh thank you. Did I snore or anything during the flight?" "No sweet pea it's all good." She replies.

I start turning off my music, put my earbuds in my carry on bag and get ready to go. I feel my phone buzz and see I had two texts one from Connor and one from Noah.

C:" Hey girl! I'm here text me when you land!"

L:"Hey Con! Just landed about to board off!"

C:"Sweet! Once you get off you'll see this big glass door, get your bag and walk out that door I'll be there!"

L:"Awesome see you then!"

I then look at the text from Noah

N:"Hey Lauren.. I know you're probably on your flight or making a better life but I just wanted to say I miss you. I know I left you stranded when we started high school and I'm so sorry for that. But I love and miss you; I really mean it okay? You're beautiful, like some type of helpless god. No that sounded bad. Like umm a god, yeah just a god. You sweep me off my feet and I always get butterflies when I see you. I stopped doing Heroin, well I only did it that one time. I just needed something to stop the pain for a while; I can't say I've stopped self harming though. My arms cut from my wrist to my forearm, and I'm sorry for that. I know this isn't the best way to tell you but I had to get it off my chest. I know you'll probably want nothing to do with me anymore but if you ever want to talk I'm here. Maybe give me a call once you land, idk whatever.. umm love you?."

Wow, I thought to myself. I never knew how broken Noah was. I never knew how much pain I had caused him. God I felt so bad. God I'm such a fuck up aren't I? Jeez. Everyone was getting off the plane and I slipped in front and boarded off. I had thought to call Noah once I get to the house.

I somehow easily found my bag and did exactly what Connor said.

"Lauren?!" I hear my name and quickly turn around. "Connor!" We run to each other and hug one another. "I'm so glad to finally meet you in person!" "You too!"

We chat for a little while longer and then get my bags in the car. Connor said all my boxes had already been moved to my room. Connor drove us home and as we got closer I had gotten more and more nervous. "We're home." Connor says smiling at me.

I take a deep breath and grab my two bags.
"GUESS WHO THE CAT DRAGGED IN!" Connor yells as we walk into the house.
I see Trevor running down the stairs "Lauren!!" He yells grabbing my bags for me and hugging me. "Hi Trevor!" I smile after taking away the hug."Let me show you your room." He says running up the stairs.

I run up them with him passing Ricky and Sam's room both of them saying hi.

"Okay your room is right next to Jc's and you have a separate bathroom from the rest of us. We figured you wouldn't want to share a room with all of us gross guys."

"Aww thank you guys." I hug Trevor and he says that they were wanting to take me to dinner so I had a lot of time because it was only 11.

Trevor closes my door on the way out. I sit on my bed and use the wifi code Trevor also gave me. I read Noah's text one more time and remember how much pain I brought him. I felt like shit. I dig through my boxes and find a razor I go into my bathroom and roll up sleeve and at this point I don't care. I shut my use and slice my arm all the way up and down not caring. I look down at my arm filled with blood. I then hear a knock on my bathroom door.

"Hey Lauren it's Jc, look I know I never said anything in text or anything like that. So I just wanted to see you and say it face to face."
"Oh umm okay. I'll be right out." I stutter. I fake flush the toilet hide my blade and run water over my arm. It stings but most of my blood goes away.

"Hey Jc. Nice to meet you." I say opening the door. "You too." He says smiling at me. He picks up my skateboard. "You ride?" he says raising his eyebrow. "I haven't since last June." "I'll take you one day. Soon" He says winking at me setting down my board and closing the door as we walks out. I give a big sigh of relief and decided to call Noah.

"Hey Lauren!"
"Hey Noah!"
"How's Cali?"
"Good I like it so far."
"Are the guys nice to you?"
"The guys are just fine."
"Good they should be."

Silence fell for what felt like forever.

"Lauren are you clean?"
"I mean I showered last ni-"
"No like cutting clean."
I sighed "Do you want to know the truth."
"How many days ago?"
"You mean how many minutes?"
"Lauren!"
"What! I was stressed and I didn't know what to do."
"You could have called me."
"And you could have called me."

Another patch of silence fell.

"Lauren I love you."
"I love you too Noah."
"Send me a picture of your arm."
"What no Noah."
"Do it. I want to know how much you needed me and I wasn't there for you."
"No Noah because I don't want you to hurt yourself."
"Then why do you hurt yourself?"
"Bullshit Noah I could say the same to you."
"I have to go Lauren."

And before I could say goodbye the call ended.
I threw my phone against me wall as it fell onto my bed. I heard someone come in and looked up to see it was Kian.

"Hey Lauren you alright?" He says walking in slowly. "Yeah I just threw my phone a little too hard." "Oh okay.. Well the boys wanted to do a new video showing you were the newest member. Recording in 20 minutes you up for it?" "Hell yeah I'll be ready."

Kian laughs. "Good."