Where My Demons Hide

Darwin Wins Again

****Trigger warning!****

My entire life I have never had control of anything.  As a toddler, I was told what to wear, what to eat and what to play with. When I reached elementary school, I had teachers telling me how to write, how to read and how to add. When I got home from school, I was told what to change into, what to snack on and what order to do my homework in. 

But there was one place that stood out among all the others. At the time, in those moments, I felt like I was in complete control. Because that was how I was made to feel. He let me think I had a say in it.

In the dark of my room, as a young child, I was told where to put it, how he liked it and how to lie about it. 

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The first time he went to far, I remember waking up scared and confused with blood on my bed. With tears in my eyes, I remember running to the bathroom down the hall from my bedroom and throwing up my dinner. The confusion I woke up with only lasted a short while. As I continued to spill the contents of my stomach, the memories of my night with him flooded back.

I knew I had to be quiet because mama would be so angry if I woke her up with a sick belly. She didn't tolerate being sad and sick. I knew if she woke up she would want to spank my butt and that was the absolute last thing I could handle right now.  There was no way I would be able to tell her why I was sick and crying. It would only make her more angry at me and then he would be mad at me, too.  

Jonah joined me in the bathroom a few minutes after I stopped throwing up. I think he must have been listening outside the door since he knew when I was done. He closed the door behind him quietly and looked at me with sad eyes.

"Dodo, I don't like knowing that you're sick. You gonna be ok?" 

"I'll be fine, Jojo, I just got scared and that made my belly hurt me," my voice was so small in that quiet bathroom.

"Dodo, what made you so scared? You were so happy earlier," he came closer to me and for the first time I knew his hugs wouldn't make me feel better.

"You hurt me, Jonah," I reached under my nightgown that mama insisted I wear and pulled my underwear down. "Look, I even have blood in my undies."

I watched as his eyes went wide like he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Then a different smile started showing on his face.

"Oh, Meadow, I didn't hurt you baby.  That's what was supposed to happen.  It means you belong to me now. Like for real, not just as my sister. This is proof that no one else has ever done that to you," he seemed really happy about something which just confused me more.

"But you know that, Jojo. I told you before that no one ever did that to me. Remember? You got real mad at me and said I better not be lying or you were gonna tell mama," the tears started to burn my eyes again.

"This makes me so happy Meadow, you shouldn't be crying. You should be happy with me. Now I don't have to tell mama that you were a naughty girl. This will show her.  She'll be so happy with you, too, baby."

That thought alone made me sigh in relief. Any time I could make mama happy was a happy time for me. I knew Jonah wouldn't lie to me so if he said mama would be happy that there was blood in my undies, then I would be happy about it, too.

"Ok, Jonah, if mother is going to be happy and you're happy then I will be happy," I scrubbed my hands across my eyes to get the tears to stop. "What should we do with them? Should I show mama?"

"No, no baby.  I'll keep these and show mama in private," he put my underwear in his pajama pants. He walked the rest of the way towards me and pulled me in for a tight hug. I was wrong, I did feel better.  

"Jonah, you're poking me again. I thought you said you felt better?" I whispered into his chest.

"Dodo, this time I'm poking you because I'm so damn happy that you weren't lying and now mama isn't going to spank you. I hate to see you get hurt Meadow, you know I love you too much to stand it," he ran his hand up and down my back stopping just above my bum.

"Do you want me to help you again, Jojo? I feel kind of funny. Like when I ride my bike for too long and my, um, vagina starts to hurt."

"It's ok baby, you did so good tonight, you don't need to help me this time. I can help myself," he sounded almost sad.

"Please don't be sad with me, I can try to do what you want but I'm a little scared because of how weird I feel down there."

I watched him back away a little bit and reach his hand into his pajama pants. I looked up at his face and saw how pleased he looked staring back at me.

"Meadow, can you show me where it hurts?" his other hand reached forward and starting lifting up my nightgown.

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The familiar feeling of bile in the back of my throat startled me awake. The nightmares were a regular occurrence but they almost never made me physically sick anymore. Of course, I wasn't counting the physical effects of the panic attacks and the constant tightness in my chest I felt because of my ongoing anxiety.

That nightmare hasn't plagued me for years. Of course, between my phone call with mother and then the shit show that happened in my living with Gage, it's not wonder my mind was pulling out the old shit. This was my own fucked up way of punishing myself. I didn't need a therapist to tell me that. I knew enough by now to understand that because I felt like shit my mind automatically assumed I was "in trouble" and therefore I needed to be disciplined. 

Texting him had been an impulsive decision. I needed him to understand but I couldn't talk to him about it. Because he would never get it. No matter how many times I painted him a picture, there was no comprehending my level of fucked upness. I tried to hard to piss him off just to get him off my fucking phone. His fucking hero complex is like a thorn in my side. 

As soon as he hung up, I felt even worse than I did after I sucked him off. I picked my phone up without a second thought and wrote to him. But as soon as he told me I didn't scare him, I knew he wasn't taking this seriously. I don't think he will be able to grasp it through text but I answered him honestly, "I should". 

At this point, I had done all I could to warn him away. Darwinism existed for a reason. When it came to my past and my demons haunting me, it really would be survival of the fittest. 

And I desperately hoped one of us could survive. 

**** I know this one is short, but as I wrote the last line I felt like I reached the end of the chapter. I will make up for it in the next chapter.

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