Where My Demons Hide

Best Laid Plans

With the lights off in the building and nothing but my thoughts to keep me company, my mind began to wander. I knew it must have something to do with being here, normally I was able to quiet my mind enough to get through each day. But silence and time are a deadly combination and will prey on the weak. And tonight, that was me. Weak and quiet with hours to go before my release.

By some miracle, Gage and I are able to work out some semblance of a system to appease Dr. White. The seventh and final day of my stay was tomorrow and I could not wait to walk out the doors of this god forsaken facility and never step foot in them again.  Gage had spoken with Dr. White and agreed to meet again on my last day.  

My body was practically vibrating with the scent of freedom in the air. This last week here had me all fucked up.  I completely lost my carefully planned schedule, honestly I don't think I could serve a beer quite like I had before and I can only imagine the amount of messages I would have to return to my mother. Not that any of them would demonstrate any actual concern for me, simply letting me know what she needed from me in order to accomplish her goals.  

One of the things that pissed me off the most was that Gage, a stranger for all intents and purposes, had seen me completely vulnerable not once but twice. That thought kept tumbling around in my mind making me feel restless. I had perfected the art of appearing perfect. No one in my life had witnessed a melt down like Gage had. He had front row seats to my crazy show and for some fucked up reason he kept coming back. Maybe he was the one who needed to be in here. No one in their right mind would put any time or effort into a head case like me. And no matter how many hours I spent thinking about it while I was here, I was completely unable to make heads or tails of the whole thing.

Growing up the way I did, I learned at an early age how to read people. My mother was controlling and manipulative, but I was always able to gauge her mood and determine what to expect. With Jonah, I learned that when he had a bad day at school his finger nails were chewed down as low as possible and his left eye would twitch. When mother gave him a hard time or pissed him off, he would constantly itch his right ear. I didn't care to learn why he did those things, only how they affected me.

Jonah's mood always determined my night. Good mood meant he would more than likely stay out of my room. A bad mood caused by classmates or teachers meant he made me do things to him and a bad mood caused by mother meant that he did everything while holding me down. Any noise I made only served to increase the pace of whatever hideous act he was in the middle of and tears resulted in bruises on any body part hidden by clothing. 

Not even a teenager yet and I had completely perfected my poker face. My parents had no idea that in the middle of the night I was violated in more ways than I can describe. Father never knew how verbally and emotionally abusive my mother was. Mother never knew how father snuck me treats and money in order to make me leave him alone to his work. Unless you were unlucky enough to see inside my mind or read my thoughts, you would never know. My perfect smile could be retrieved at a moments notice, my posture and manners were infallible. 

Now all these years later, far away from the devil himself and safer than I have ever been, I am unlucky enough to have a nosy fucking cop on my ass trying to save me from myself. Of course he would be the one to witness my meltdown that first night in the bar. And even more lucky for me, he would be the first responder the night I cut too deep. He has a keen eye and a heart of gold and seems to be hell bent on fixing me. Because I'm just so fucking lucky. If it weren't for bad luck, I wouldn't have any at all, though.

I close my eyes and breathe in as deep as my lungs will allow. My world went from order to chaos in about two weeks and I haven't taken the time to process exactly what it means in the long run. Everything seems to be falling apart in a way I'm not sure I can handle. Too many eyes have seen my destruction and too many ears have heard my cries. Doctors and law enforcement all seem to be rallying for me to get better and the only thing I can think of is how badly they are going to fuck everything up. It's like walking on a partially frozen lake expecting not to fall through. Nothing good is going to come from this, I'm absolutely certain of that fact. 

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A/N: A bit of a filler chapter, but I needed to get some of her internal dialogue out. Plus I wanted to wrap up her stay and move on with the story. 

Next chapter will definitely have some more back story - sorry for anyone this upsets but it is crucial to the story. 

There will also be more Gage in the next chapter, different sides to him as well.  I Was also considering doing a chapter from his POV, but I'm not quite sure when in the story it would work, only that I would really like to hear from him. 

Comment if you can and let me know what you think :-)