Changes: Misunderstood Book 3

Chapter 35

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yo, its rebecca donaldson 

coming back atcha with another update

motherfuckass

okay, people this is it. we started from the bottom now we are here.

 this chapter may be confusing, but please comment and ask me what the hell you are confused about!!!! 

oh yeah, sorry for being m.i.a. lol

~mackawesome0908

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I woke up to rain hitting my windows. I swallowed hard and gripped onto my covers. I didn't want to get up, I didn't even want to move.

I felt broken like I was a piece of glass that was smashed onto the ground.

I felt worthless, pointless, useless, pathetic. I'm alone, and I'm scared. No, not only of people and places but myself too. "What if I lose control again?", is a question I ask myself every day. What if I try to cut myself, or try to kill myself?

It's all my fault that I'm like this, I just can't change myself. The real thing is how I feel all of these feelings, and I still feel nothing at the same time.

I left someone in, I left Arson in and he broke me. And I don't know what to do anymore, I've told myself this multiple times, don't let anyone in.But I thought I loved Arson, I thought Arson loved me.

I'm too much for him, I'm too much for everyone.

I opened my eyes again and looked up at my bathroom. I slowly lifted the covers off of my body and got out of bed. I walked over to my bathroom, closing the door and quickly locking it.

I search through all of the drawers, trying to find something that would ease the pain. I found one of my razor packs that I use to shave with, and I ripped it open. I grabbed one of the razors and put my finger nail in between the plastic and the blades.

I forced my nail and it wouldn't budge. I continue to pick at it, eventually giving up on it and trying something else. I started to slam the plastic on the counter, trying to bust it open.

Nothing was working, they sealed these suckers in tight.

I groaned in annoyance and set the razor onto the counter, falling onto the floor.

This is how desperate I have become, trying to pick at a razor to get the blades out.

I felt the hot tears roll down my cheeks, banging the back of my head against the wall.

Come on, you deserve this pain, I told myself.

I nodded my head and stood up, walking back over to the counter. I picked up the razor, forcing my nail in between the plastic once again. I tried my hardest, trying to get it open.

It finally broke in two, the razors falling right out. When the razors were falling to the ground, it caught onto my thumb, splitting it open.

"Shit," I whispered as blood starting to roll down my hand. I decided to not worry about that and focus on the main task.

I picked up the blades off the floor, trying to not cut my hand again. I pulled down my shorts and took a deep breath. I finally felt the metal across my skin, I deserved this. I messed up, I let someone in and this is my punishment.

I did it again, and again. Funny how I drew with silver and it turned out red.

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"How do you think the appointment will be today?" Sadie asked. Sadie Rothers is my new therapist for this trial. I had the appointment today and they recommended to talk to someone before I got to the hospital. So I agreed.