The Stacks

Chapter 12: Deep

Song: "You Found Me" by The Fray

*Suicide Trigger Warning*

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"So I swallowed half a bottle of pain killers and hoped I wouldn't wake up."

I felt a sickening knot tightening in my stomach. It was only then, with this admission, that I actually felt some of Harry's despair, how desperate, how visceral and real, his pain must have been to reach that point. "What happened?" I whispered.

"About half an hour after I took them, I puked my guts out. I literally threw up everything in my body, and every time I even had a sip of water for the next 24 hours, I would throw it up again. I really felt like I was going to die, but I didn't want to anymore. The moment the pills came back up, I had this overwhelming sense of relief, realizing that I didn't really want to die. I just wanted the pain to subside for a while. And it did, that whole 24 hours while I puked over and over, I wasn't thinking much of my emotional pain. It sucked, and the only reason I didn't go to the ER was because I didn't want them to label me suicidal or admit me to a psych ward."

I just sat and stared at him, blinking one every few moments, not sure what to say.

"Does that scare you?" He asked. "Or make you feel like I'm a freak?"

"I don't know," I admitted.

"I'm doing better now. Honestly. That was the first and last time anything like that every happened or will ever happen. I just thought you should know."

"Do you still have those pills in your house?" I asked bluntly.

"Yeah, why?"

"Then you should get rid of them," I demanded. "Do you have a gun in the house?"

"No. Regan, why would you ask that?"

"Do you have another plan to kill yourself?" I asked.

"Regan, I just told you that I would never do it again. I honestly don't know what came over me. I had just hit a low and that seemed like the only solution in the moment."

"What if you hit that low again?" I asked.

"I didn't think you'd react like this," he said.

"I'm just scared. A suicide attempt is no laughing matter."

"I know that. You're making it sound like I'm a little kid who doesn't know better."

"What if it happens again?" I asked, near tears.

"It won't!" He snapped. "Why are you so upset?"

"Because I care very deeply for you, Harry, even if I've only known you a few weeks. It scares me to think you reached a point so hopeless that you thought death was the only answer." I could feel tears burning my eyes because the very idea made me panic.

"Hey," he said, cupping my face in his hands. "I told you because I didn't want to keep anything from you, okay? I wasn't telling you so that you were warned that I might do it again. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. I promise you, I'm doing much, much better now."

I closed my eyes, squeezing back the tears that were threatening to fall. Finally, I opened my eyes and said, "You shouldn't be the one apologizing. I'm sorry if I sounded insensitive. I just worry about you."

"I know," he nodded. "I know you do."

"I'm sorry," I whispered again.

"I know."